Creature from the Black Lagoon Virus and JB.

When ever I am sick my mind reverts to its 4 year old self for a moment and I relive the S page in Dr. Seuss' alphabet book. It was always my favorite.

"Big S little S what begins with S? Silly Sammy Slick drank six sodas and got sick sick sick."

Pretty much everyone in southern CA is sick right now because the temperature dropped below 70 and the indigenous peoples bodies simply don't know what to do. Their immune systems might actually be attacking themselves simply recognizing the need for jacket. So one of the local folk has coughed on me and here am I. I spent 4 hours in the ER to be seen by a medical student who told me I had a virus. I wish I hated anyone reading this, (if anyone reads this), enough to post a picture of what I coughed up yesterday morning. I actually took a picture of it because I have never coughed up something so big and so green in my whole life. I sent it to Travis to make sure I didn't need to call 911 and tell them I may be turning into the creature from the black lagoon from the inside out. Creature from the Black Lagoon Virus. That is what I have.

Aside from being sick, this month has really gotten off to a rocky start. I said in my last blog that I don't want to get into any detail here, but the past 7 days have not mimicked the style of the preceding month. I have been trying to work though some personal/relationship issues that I feel like I have sat on for a long time. I am not one to sit on issues, but this one is special and my all of a sudden standing and not only acknowledging it but ravenously sifting through all its layers trying to make sense of it without being placated by giving up and neatly covering it all back up to sit on it again, has created some waves in life to say the least.

I assume some of my out of the blue non complacency is partially due to my much lower dose of meds. 25mg does a lot less flat lining than 100mg- which is a good thing. It is important to feel things, good or bad. However I am not sure I was really prepared to follow through with feelings. What I mean is, this thing makes me feel bad; normally I would just find a way to cope with it, and medication aided tremendously in that coping. But with much less medicine (and soon none), I feel bad about something and I cannot find it in myself to just cope with it, but I also am unsure as to how to follow through with my need for change in a healthy way. Does that make sense?

Things aren't as black and white as I would like them to be sometimes. This particular situation isn't as easy as cope or don't, I have to find middle ground. I know what the middle ground is but I feel like I am trying desperately to land from sky or crawl from middle earth to get there. My middle ground is God. It is finding a way to trust so fully in God that this particular thing, (which I have no control over), cannot affect me positively or negatively. I feel very strongly that He has told me to "let go", stop fighting so hard to be right, and let Him do His job. This sounds really great in theory but man if it isn't the hardest thing on the planet to do, because I AM right. I am not just saying that to be cute, I really am in this case and I am not the only one who sees it. It is difficult to have the right answer, the answer that could change everything, and to just stop talking about it.

All that to say, I am working on it.

Haven't been able to work out at all because I am hacking up my insides, but I have still done well eating. Incorporated a little more dairy this past week than I would have liked, but still eating mostly protein veggie scramble which is really my most favorite thing. I have discovered that when I eat things like beans or dairy my stomach really doesn't respond in a happy way. It would seem that would speak volumes as to how everyone should feel eating those things, only we adjust to it or don't recognize its affects as being abnormal. I am willing to bet that if you stopped eating vegetables for a month your stomach wouldn't be upset when you reintroduced them. However, yogurt and granola is delicious. Hey, it's organic and better than eating cookies. I also cannot let go of popcorn. Popcorn is the new manna. If JB, (John the Baptist- he lets me call him that), were here he would eat popcorn and vanilla yogurt instead of locusts and honey. Just sayin.

I was gonna end this with a clever and funny photoshopped image of JB with popcorn and yogurt but when google imaged John the Baptist I couldn't decide which image was the best representation...mostly because they all seem so unrealistic and weird. So instead of photoshopping lets look at a few of the riveting images I found.

The first two I find pretty disturbing. Da Vinci was a genius but I think he really missed the mark with this one. It is less wild, insect eating man, more sensual, transgendered, come hither. I feel the same way about the second one by Titian only the beard takes away from the transgendered part.

 

Up next we have someones really excellent computer paint skills. This artist is clearly illustrating JB's tendency towards insects for protein. Glad they aimed so high on the "teaching kids about scripture" artwork.

I decided to skip the 700 of them that looked similar to this next one because they are pretty par for the course Jesus/JB art. But just so you know, this is the norm. Sad and emaciated.

Last is my favorite and I am not sure it counts as art because it's actually a still shot from the "Bible" series that was on TV not that long ago. This JB has dreadlocks and, scruff. He is dirty and bloody from persecution. Probably lots more people than we would think actually had some form of a dreadlock back then, not so much for fashion as much as they probably brushed their hair with pine cones or reeds or something. Anyway, here is my favorite google image page 1 JB.

I am gonna go cough and eat my husbands spaghetti (first noodles in over a month) even though its wheat and chemical sauce and will probably make me feel disgusting, but its the best ever and I am sick. Cheers.

January and a New Reality.

Well I have accomplished just over a month of working hard to change eating habits as well as ideas about health. I am certainly proud of this miraculous (for me) feat, however the hype is wearing off. Don't get me wrong, I have no interest in going back to eating wheat/rice/processed anything, but school has started and that means life beyond Paleo Pinterest recipes is happening. Life means if I want to eat well at breakfast I have to crack an egg rather than grab a protein bar. If I want to eat well at lunch I have to prepare food the night prior and if I want to eat well at dinner I have to prepare dinner rather than serving up a bowl of cereal or frozen pizza so I can get back to homework or decompressing from the day. Throw in extra curricular kids stuff, appointments, keeping a house clean, etc etc and LIFE seems quick to rob me of the opportunity to be as healthy as I would like. This is just reality people- sobering, frustrating, honest reality. Despite all of these things that at the moment are making me feel like Atlas, I am trucking along making the best choices I can.

Lets shuffle away from new reality for a moment and talk about the month of January. I really wanted to look back before we got too far away from it because it has been a REALLY productive and encouraging kick start to my year. So if you for any reason think you CANNOT start working towards goals for any reason I am here to prove you wrong. I am 100% non superhero, therefor if I can you can. Here is what January looked like for me:

1. I juiced for 12 days.

2. I cut out processed foods including anything with wheat and sugar.

3. I started cooking again and ENJOYING it.

4. I successfully reduced my meds from 100mg to 25mg and still going.

5. I found and committed myself to an awesome church- serving and small groups included.

6. I make it to the gym at least 3 days a week.

7. I am back at school taking 16 units, and TAing. 

8. I hiked Iron Mountain!

9. I made a new friend who is amazing and am working on building a relationship with 

her and her family. 

I think that covers it. That is A LOT of positivity in a really short amount of time. This month has had a bit of a rocky start for reasons I prefer not to go into here, but TODAY is new and I was blessed enough to have a really long and helpful conversation with the most wonderful man on the whole entire planet, my dad. (You thought I was gonna say husband huh? He's pretty wonderful but nobody beats daddy in the way of advice). He helped remind me to keep pushing into God and His promises despite feelings of any sort, and that is just what I plan to do. I say "he" helped me, but really God spoke amazingly through him and it was clearly God because he was even like, "I have no idea where any of that just came from." 

Moral of the blog today: YES YOU CAN, YES I CAN, EVERYDAY IS NEW, CHANGING YOUR THINKING CHANGES YOUR LIFE.

The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour
are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.

-Arnold Bennett 

PS. I have discovered that sugar in any form is really addicting. I have had more raw sugar and or natural sugar in things lately and the more I have the more I want. Working on cutting back- but I was just really startled at how quickly I started craving it again even when most of what I was having was from things like honey or sugar in the raw...or Starbucks- which I have had a few too many times and need to exercise self control concerning. ALSO, the church I started going to has a gluten free pastor so I didn't even have to cheat in order to eat Jesus bread this Sunday! 

I Take Myself Real Serious- ESPECIALLY on Chemical Thursdays.

I wish I had the cojones to take a picture of my sad bloated abdomen for you. Not only do I not have cojones of a large enough persuasion but quite frankly, ain't nobody got time for that.

I didn't intend for today to be a "cheat" day, as I really have had no desire to eat anything other than what I have been eating. My cravings for junk have completely subsided and small portions fill me up. I have actually been eating to live rather than living to eat, which had you told me I would have accomplished this a month ago I would have laughed at you and then cried at my assumed lack of self control.

It started at breakfast. I need groceries really bad and didn't wanna feed the kids Nutella toast so we went to a little cafe. I had an egg and some bacon- no biggie, but they didn't have raw sugar. I had to use processed sugar in my coffee. I use the term "had to" loosely here, clearly I didn't HAVE to have coffee at all. So that is what started it. Then I had to buy lunch at school. My school actually makes a wicked good salad for cheap so I wasn't concerned about it until the salad maker man couldn't hear me when I said "STOP" on the blue cheese crumbles. Pretty sure it was a 2lb salad and at least half of that was in blue cheese alone. I left a lot of it but it was there so I "had" to have a little. Fast forward to dinner, still haven't grocery shopped, no time, we go to Panda Express. I have a veggie bowl with some spicy chicken which seems innocent enough if we ignore the whole MSG thing. I was FREAKING STUFFED and so was my family but we just happened to have gift cards to Coldstone and there just happened to be one right next door to Panda Express. I didn't get anything but I definitely ate some of Presley's cotton candy with Oreo and Travis' death by chocolate with extra chocolate in a chocolate waffle bowl.

Can I just tell you I feel like a TOTAL trashcan? I look like I am 5 months pregnant, my stomach is upset, and I am disappointed in myself. I'm not all, "ERMEHGEHRD ER SERK ERT LERF" because I know I could have made WAY worse choices, but my streak was pretty epic. Now I feel like I need to run a marathon and drink juice only for two days to clear my system of what shall forever be remembered as "Chemical Thursday".

So I took this job as a TA right? Well the professor I am working for is pretty much always 5 to 10min late to her first class. No biggie, but it puts me in the front of the room staring out at 60 college students who are staring back at me for what feels like an awfully long time. The first day no one spoke, it was just silent until the teacher arrived. The next day I was letting them know what they would be doing, writing some crap on the board for them blah blah blah, and I make a joke, (which typically I am witty enough that someone at least smirks), NOTHING. 60 blank faces.

And then it occurs to me- they are all scared of me. I briefly spoke about this problem of mine here. So I stand up and say:

"Okay so I typically find out much after the fact that people are really intimidated by me because they think I am "hardcore" or whatever. I need you all to know that I am about as far from hardcore as one could possibly get. I did not take this job for the teeny amount of money I make, I took it because I really liked the class and I want to help you. That to say, please do not be scared to talk to me. I am not mean and I am not going to hit you." 

I swear on magic carpets ya'll, there was an AUDIBLE sigh of relief and people immediately pepped up and even joked with me. It was a very strange experience because I say I know people are intimidated by me, but now there is no doubt, it is just the truth and it is SO bizarre. I feel like I should just walk around with a disclaimer sign around my neck so people will be friends with me. OR I could just walk around with only this face always:

The food in my teeth is a total bonus- it's a Panda Express/Coldstone combo. Shame my nose ring post isn't fully hanging out because then it would look like I had boogers too. I suppose this look wouldn't make me many friends either, but at least I wouldn't be taken so damn seriously. My mom loves when I make this face. It's her favorite.

Just Stuff.

Well, life just went from 0 to 100 quicker than lickety-split. School has officially begun and I am already feeling a little bit frantic. I am taking 5 classes on top of being a teachers assistant for my cultural anthropology professor from last semester. I have class M-Th and the TA position requires me to sit in on at least one of her classes. I don't know why I feel the need to stretch myself as far as humanly possible, but I did it last semester too. I guess it doesn't feel overwhelming in a bad way; I really like being busy and productive. I spent so long at home with babies that having something to do, even if it is a lot, feels really good...most of the time. That to say blogging will not be occurring perhaps as frequently as it was.

So I have had nightmares every night for over a week. I couldn't really understand why this is occurring because I have never had issues with frequent nightmares. They aren't wake up crying and screaming sort of dreams, but they are pretty violent and personal in nature. Turns out this is a common symptom associated with SSRI withdrawal. So in about a 3 week period I have gone from 100mg of Zoloft to 40mg. Along with the nightmares I have also had the very typical "brain zaps" that occur when lowering or discontinuing SSRI's. I am all too familiar with this particular symptom because I had them REALLY bad coming off Paxil about 8 years ago. It sort of feels like someone is randomly administering a mini electric shock to your brain. More annoying than anything else, but if you aren't familiar with them they can be pretty alarming. Along with nightmares and shocks, here are some other awesome things someone looking to come off meds may need to prepare for:

• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Depression and mood swings
• Light-headedness
• Dizziness and balance problems
• Electric shock sensations
• Fatigue
• Flu-like symptoms
• Headache
• Loss of coordination
• Muscle spasms
• Nausea
• Nightmares
• Tremors
• Trouble sleeping
• Vomiting

Wait a minute....you mean to say that I am going to experience worse symptoms coming off medicine than I was experiencing prior to even taking it? YES! 

Typical pharmaceutical nightmare. I could go on and on but I am not even gonna get myself started. Prayerfully the minimal side effects I am dealing with will subside sooner rather than later and if not I will at least have the perseverance to get through them.

Update on the church situation- the one I wrote about here. I ended up speaking to the pastor and he was super apologetic so I gave the church another shot the following Sunday and I am SO glad I did! Not only was the teaching great, but the people were out of this world nice. Weird nice. I had more conversations that one morning than I have had in 2 years of Sundays looking for a church. Not to mention that when I introduced myself to the pastor he was again, more than apologetic and totally glad I was there. He even emailed me again later in the week and thanked me for coming. I have been for 3 Sundays now and I have totally committed myself to stay there the rest of our time in California. I have already made some friends that I have seen outside of church and am getting myself involved in serving. I feel like this place is definitely something special and considering the circumstances, exactly where God wants me. I am actually excited about Sunday mornings again and I haven't felt that way since Washington.

AND before I go, I got a letter from my school in the mail informing me that I was on some Vice Presidents list for maintaining a 3.5 or above GPA with 12 or more units last semester. I was pretty stoked being as how I am the chick who in high school wrote a whole paper on why I wasn't going to write the paper I was actually supposed to write. True story- I still have it. Hoping I can live up to my accomplishments this coming semester! 

My BFF Kale.

If you had told me a month ago that kale would be a staple in my diet I would have made the crazy face at you. Like this:

But as it turns out, kale is awesome and not just when it's made into wanna be chips, (which I haven't actually ever had but am willing to bet are no substitute for Lays). I actually originally purchased it to make chips with, but ended up using it in my Carcass Soup and really liked it. Since then I have made sure to keep it on hand, (it is super cheap which is a huge deal), and have used it as the base of pretty much every lunch I have had for weeks. All that to say, today I want to share with you what has become my go-to lunch. It is quick, easy, delicious and really good for you.

First of all, you have to have some basic produce in the fridge. I try to buy produce that is on sale rather than what I would prefer because living and eating in California is a huge expense. However, carrots, onions, apples, oranges, cucumbers and now kale are always things because I know if all else fails my kids will eat something in that list. So other than those few staples I buy whatever is being promoted by the store. Recently I have had sugar snap peas, baby eggplant, brussels and cauliflower. You also need a clean soy sauce of your choice or if you want to use meat fat or butter to cook it in the soy sauce may not be needed. I prefer a little bacon grease as a stick repellant for the pan as well as flavor in the food. (I think saving bacon grease may be a southern thing, so if you are unfamiliar with this concept, basically all you do is when you cook bacon, pour the grease in a metal container and throw it in the fridge. When you are cooking veggies or whatever later, instead of using oil or butter use bacon grease.) So without further ado, here is my super formal and complicated lunch recipe:

Veggie Pan Mess

Handful or two of whatever vegetables you have

1.5-ish TSP butter, ghee, meat fat, oil (whatever you choose)

Leftover meat (or not)

Egg (or not)

Soy sauce/spices of your choice

Chop up veggies and meat

Throw in with melted fat/oil/ghee

Cook till veggies are soft but not mushy

Top with fried egg if desired

OR top with nut of choice, raisins or cranberries

EAT!

If I don't use cranberries or whatever I will sometimes couple this with a piece of fruit. I seriously have had this everyday for lunch, and sometimes dinner for more than 2 weeks. The coolest part is it always tastes a little different depending on what grease you use and what veggies you have on hand.

ALSO, I finally got to the top of Iron Mountain yesterday! Third time is a charm! I even had the pleasure of hiking up with this awesome chick I met recently. I wish I had met her 2 years ago when we first planted ourselves here, but I will take and be happy with what I get. It was a pretty legit hike, about 3miles up and then back down, with some momentarily rough terrain. I was super proud of us for not dying AND getting out of bed this morning. I really enjoyed being outside and I certainly wouldn't mind spending more time on things like hiking.

I have no clue why I look ripped in this picture, it is completely misrepresenting reality.

 Today is the first day of spring semester for me and I am gonna be really busy, taking mostly all classes I don't want to take. I am sitting here as we speak with fresh blue dye in my hair, (foiled  cause I am awesome like that), thinking about how much I don't want to go get in the shower and get on with the day. I am so comfy in my routine right now, I feel so good, I am eating well and doing all the right things and I worry the moment my feet hit campus I am gonna rush to the bookstore and start eating Doritos and being sedentary. It is ridiculous, I know. Anyhow, I do actually have to get to the business of being grown, so I wish you all a happy Monday! 

PS. God is good ALL THE TIME!

Mustard Seed Faith.

Went to my psychiatrist. Last time I was there she upped me to a higher dose, (which I never started taking) and I showed up this time telling her I was coming off. I wish I had been able to capture the look on her face when I said it, it was pretty priceless. It was a lot like this:

Only she didn't have a mic and shes Russian and a she. After her moment of bewilderment she flipped through my file reminding me of the multiple emotional disorders I have as well as the 80% fail rate particularly based on my "genetic machinery". Then she told me she had to tell me all that but the choice was mine. So I asked what the next step was. She wrote me a prescription for the lowest dose and told me to take one and a half for the first week, then just one, followed by just half and then none at which point I am to report back to her. She said the fact that I hadn't had any withdrawal symptoms having cut back on my own was a good sign. So I am officially in it guys. I stepped off the sand, into the water and I am wading out.
What is really awesome is that since I started juicing which is almost a month ago now, I have not had to take a Xanax. I have had two instances when I felt super anxious and had to get inside my head and calm myself down, but did so totally without the help of medicine. This is HUGE for me, because typically I would struggle with anxiety throughout every day. I may not need to take narcotics for it but I am generally constantly staving off a panic attack. The whole issue is just a daily struggle even being on meds so the fact that I have felt as good as I have is almost alarming. It makes me nervous, like this is some calm before the storm, which is dumb considering I really do believe God is taking care of it. I guess I am only human and doubt is to be expected, even when there has yet to be a good reason for it.
Doubt is so funny in terms of faith, though. I was watching this televangelist that I actually really like named Jesse Duplantis. He's an older, straight outta Louisiana, full of faith and funny as can be sort of preacher. I had him on the TV mostly as background noise while I was doing something on the computer so I wasn't listening intently but I heard him say "Faith is so powerful that God had to put a dimension on it..." He was talking about a mustard seed. God had to literally size faith down to a tiny little seed in order for us wrap our silly little heads around its power. If faith as small as a mustard seed can literally move mountains imagine what faith the size of a peach pit might do.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

I have a ton of other things to write about tonight but my family has started a movie so I have to run. Till next time friends.

Scales are stupid, the media is killing us, here- listen to Tori Amos and cook chicken.

I have to start by making sure that everyone reading this understands that this blog is recording real life. I have in no way shape or form figured "it" out yet and a lot of what I write is a way to help me work out my own thoughts and struggles. I do this publicly because I fully believe someone will benefit or at least be left feeling less alone than before. That being said, I am pretty discouraged today.
I have actually gained weight in the past weeks. I lost some from juicing and then gained a little back which is to be expected, but I am still gaining. I know I know, muscle ways more than fat and blah diddy blah, but my clothes aren't fitting differently and I don't look any different either. I have been eating completely whole and 99% Paleo friendly as well as exercising 3 to 4 times a week. I want so much for this not to be about weight, because I really do want to be healthy, but it would seem losing some weight should be a delightful symptom of such huge lifestyle changes.
This is par for the course in my life. Even when I was exercising vigorously and eating low calorie and in the best shape I have ever been in as far as endurance and strength, I still was not losing weight. I don't get it and frankly it sort of pisses me off. There is no medical issue, nothing I can blame it on. And it isn't even that I am super unhappy with my weight I just don't understand WHY it seems an impossibility to actually drop pounds unless I am actively involved in an eating disorder.
I have read the research and I feel like I am honestly doing everything right.
"What is it that your want Brooks?" is what you may be asking yourself, in your head, right now. Lets talk about ideals. Bare with me while I sort this out for myself, as well as you. I tend to live predominantly in a sort of purgatory where body positivity and unrealistic goals are constantly at war with each other. For instance, I try to encourage myself with things like this:

I follow body positive Instagramers as well as seeking this sort of imagery when I am pooping around online. I feel like ANY sort of body positive imagery be it fat, skinny, black, white, handicapped or disfigured people, is such a far cry from what we see all day everyday in advertisement and really important in helping to keep me grounded. I love that there is even a small percentage of people who are so honestly and unapologetically comfortable in their own skin. I am in awe of them, actually. I wonder how it is that they have managed to make it through life thus far without allowing the world to tell them who they are is not enough. Furthermore, how do I teach my OWN daughter that when I can't even figure it out? I do all that I can to tell her she is enough, beautiful, funny, smart, creative and created in the image of God. I consciously keep my mouth shut about my own issues around her because I know first hand the effects of that. I talk about health and not "diet", strong and not skinny, but I would be lying if I said I believed that was enough to keep her out of the mess I have spent so much of my life in.
The reality is that I can seek out body positive stuff all day long, but as soon as I turn on the TV or drive down the highway or stand in line at the grocery store or go to the gym, this is what surrounds me:

Clothes for real Americans.

They love their bodies. I can't imagine why.

Forget the image, lets just talk about the fact that my 9 year old, who can read, sees this anytime we are at a store.

"Real" Housewives. Right.

Clearly we all "know" what NONSENSE this is and how it in NO WAY actually represents reality. However, it is all we see. Worse than that, it is what our children see. Your sons see what their future wives should look like and your daughters see who they should become physically. Think I may be exaggerating? Take a trip back in time with me real quick so I can give you some visuals as to what our little girls are being sold. I took a moment to create side by side imaging of original versions of toys/characters vs current ones:

Regular Lego/Girls Only Lego

Original My Little Pony Cartoon/Current

Original Candyland Princess/Current

As if Barbie wasn't bad enough- Original/Bratz/Monster High

Original Strawberry Shortcake/Current

Tell me I am crazy. These FEW examples barely scratch the surface of not only the inaccurate representation of what it means to be a woman or female in general but also, (especially with the Lego), the widening gender gap pushed on our kids.
I feel like I am really far off the topic of being pissed at my scale numbers at this point, and much more pissed at the fact that I am pissed at my scale numbers because I am so aware of their insignificance. I have not had a thigh gap since I was a fetus. My hips are wide. I have carried and bore two healthy children leaving my stomach scarred and stretchy. My boobs were at one point swollen with milk and fed little bodies leaving them soft and low. THIS HAS GOT TO BE OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I AM PHYSICALLY AND IT HAS TO BE OKAY. It has to be MORE than okay. I do not want to just tolerate my body, I want to be proud of it, all it is and all it isn't. And more that ANYTHING in the WHOLE world, I want my little girl to be proud of her own body as an extension of her mind and her soul and her REAL self.
Clearly I'm preaching to myself to here people, I hope someone else is hearing it. Really hearing it.

PS. I realize these thoughts are scattered and that was an abrupt ending so please go listen to this amazing song that is in no way affiliated with anything I just said but I love it and Tori Amos is awesome so enjoy.

PSS. Lets make this as random as possible by adding a recipe plug! Best wings ever- recipe could also be used on larger pieces of chicken. Check out the recipe here.