Scales are stupid, the media is killing us, here- listen to Tori Amos and cook chicken.

I have to start by making sure that everyone reading this understands that this blog is recording real life. I have in no way shape or form figured "it" out yet and a lot of what I write is a way to help me work out my own thoughts and struggles. I do this publicly because I fully believe someone will benefit or at least be left feeling less alone than before. That being said, I am pretty discouraged today.
I have actually gained weight in the past weeks. I lost some from juicing and then gained a little back which is to be expected, but I am still gaining. I know I know, muscle ways more than fat and blah diddy blah, but my clothes aren't fitting differently and I don't look any different either. I have been eating completely whole and 99% Paleo friendly as well as exercising 3 to 4 times a week. I want so much for this not to be about weight, because I really do want to be healthy, but it would seem losing some weight should be a delightful symptom of such huge lifestyle changes.
This is par for the course in my life. Even when I was exercising vigorously and eating low calorie and in the best shape I have ever been in as far as endurance and strength, I still was not losing weight. I don't get it and frankly it sort of pisses me off. There is no medical issue, nothing I can blame it on. And it isn't even that I am super unhappy with my weight I just don't understand WHY it seems an impossibility to actually drop pounds unless I am actively involved in an eating disorder.
I have read the research and I feel like I am honestly doing everything right.
"What is it that your want Brooks?" is what you may be asking yourself, in your head, right now. Lets talk about ideals. Bare with me while I sort this out for myself, as well as you. I tend to live predominantly in a sort of purgatory where body positivity and unrealistic goals are constantly at war with each other. For instance, I try to encourage myself with things like this:

I follow body positive Instagramers as well as seeking this sort of imagery when I am pooping around online. I feel like ANY sort of body positive imagery be it fat, skinny, black, white, handicapped or disfigured people, is such a far cry from what we see all day everyday in advertisement and really important in helping to keep me grounded. I love that there is even a small percentage of people who are so honestly and unapologetically comfortable in their own skin. I am in awe of them, actually. I wonder how it is that they have managed to make it through life thus far without allowing the world to tell them who they are is not enough. Furthermore, how do I teach my OWN daughter that when I can't even figure it out? I do all that I can to tell her she is enough, beautiful, funny, smart, creative and created in the image of God. I consciously keep my mouth shut about my own issues around her because I know first hand the effects of that. I talk about health and not "diet", strong and not skinny, but I would be lying if I said I believed that was enough to keep her out of the mess I have spent so much of my life in.
The reality is that I can seek out body positive stuff all day long, but as soon as I turn on the TV or drive down the highway or stand in line at the grocery store or go to the gym, this is what surrounds me:

Clothes for real Americans.

They love their bodies. I can't imagine why.

Forget the image, lets just talk about the fact that my 9 year old, who can read, sees this anytime we are at a store.

"Real" Housewives. Right.

Clearly we all "know" what NONSENSE this is and how it in NO WAY actually represents reality. However, it is all we see. Worse than that, it is what our children see. Your sons see what their future wives should look like and your daughters see who they should become physically. Think I may be exaggerating? Take a trip back in time with me real quick so I can give you some visuals as to what our little girls are being sold. I took a moment to create side by side imaging of original versions of toys/characters vs current ones:

Regular Lego/Girls Only Lego

Original My Little Pony Cartoon/Current

Original Candyland Princess/Current

As if Barbie wasn't bad enough- Original/Bratz/Monster High

Original Strawberry Shortcake/Current

Tell me I am crazy. These FEW examples barely scratch the surface of not only the inaccurate representation of what it means to be a woman or female in general but also, (especially with the Lego), the widening gender gap pushed on our kids.
I feel like I am really far off the topic of being pissed at my scale numbers at this point, and much more pissed at the fact that I am pissed at my scale numbers because I am so aware of their insignificance. I have not had a thigh gap since I was a fetus. My hips are wide. I have carried and bore two healthy children leaving my stomach scarred and stretchy. My boobs were at one point swollen with milk and fed little bodies leaving them soft and low. THIS HAS GOT TO BE OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I AM PHYSICALLY AND IT HAS TO BE OKAY. It has to be MORE than okay. I do not want to just tolerate my body, I want to be proud of it, all it is and all it isn't. And more that ANYTHING in the WHOLE world, I want my little girl to be proud of her own body as an extension of her mind and her soul and her REAL self.
Clearly I'm preaching to myself to here people, I hope someone else is hearing it. Really hearing it.

PS. I realize these thoughts are scattered and that was an abrupt ending so please go listen to this amazing song that is in no way affiliated with anything I just said but I love it and Tori Amos is awesome so enjoy.

PSS. Lets make this as random as possible by adding a recipe plug! Best wings ever- recipe could also be used on larger pieces of chicken. Check out the recipe here.

Click Here For Bacon.

Keepin it short today but wanted to share an awesome dinner idea! Tonight I made Bacon Wrapped Chicken with Maple Parsnips and both were delicious. The smallest child was not a fan of the parsnips which is beyond me because they are cooked in coconut oil and syrup. (RIGHT!) However the meaty entree was a hit all around.
You can get the recipe for the chicken here. It isn't totally Paleo as it uses brown sugar, but it IS totally good and worth the little cheat. I cut the chili powder in half so my kids wouldn't complain, and I was short on bacon so a few of them cooked sans pork and still turned out super yummy.
The maple parsnips are here. I had never had parsnips but they were a lot like a mild carrot and once you cook them in all that coconut and maple they pretty much taste like dessert.
Both of these recipes are super good, however I wouldn't pair them again based on the fact that they are both pretty sweet. I will definitely make both again but pair each with something much more savory.

I also made what turned out to be a really good gluten free, dairy free, vegan friendly "bread/cake". I felt certain while I made it that my kids would not be fooled but was pleasantly surprised when they both moaned about how delicious it was and asked if they could PLEASE take some in their lunch tomorrow! The coconut flour and lack of "real sugar" certainly makes it apparent that it is not the kind of cake I grew up eating. BUT, it is really flavorful, moist and will fill any carb/bread craving you have. If you would like to make it check out the recipe here. The website you will be linked to has a TON of really good recipes like the Cranberry Orange Loaf I just told you about.

I used a LOT of coconut oil tonight and it never occurred to me to check the nutrition label. ACK! It is really high in fat. I know that it is good fat and I get the science behind Paleo and yada yada but it freaked me out to see 14g of fat in TWO tablespoons after I used like 10. Changing your eating habits is hard but changing your MIND about what is good for you is even harder. I needed to remind myself about the science behind Paleo so I went here. I suppose I will just keep reading stuff like this till it is as ingrained in me as my backwards idea of health.

Other than that I have been feeling really good!! My mood has actually been better than usual which I really have to credit to my clean diet and (more importantly) the continued prayer and support from my family and friends and a God who sees my beginning from end and is faithful! I haven't lost more weight but I am trying not to think about it. I have been going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week and really enjoying my workouts for the most part. I think I figured out what to eat to maintain my energy during exercise so that is a huge relief. I am proud of all that I have worked to accomplish for myself and my family so far this year and I have really high hopes for the rest of 2014, which is both exciting and scary. I am definitely not a "aim for the stars" type so aiming for the stars is really intimidating. Plus, school starts in a week and I know that will disrupt my new routine in a major way. I plan on being as intentional as possible in food and exercise and time management, but I know a full class load will certainly manage to rain on that parade a little. Ah well, hope for the best prepare for the worst? I suppose that really isn't hope at all but it seems fitting.

Spendin Money, Cookin Treats, Being Awesome.

Well I went grocery shopping. We now have lots of healthy food items but not so much money. I went pretty far over my budget, (which is already RIDICULOUS living in the state of California). I would prefer not to discuss how much money I actually spent, but I will say that my budget for 2 weeks of groceries is $250. This is usually what I spend give or take a little, and that is shopping sales and ads. If you are really curious about the cost of this grocery trip take into account the fact that the $250 has previously been spent on Walmart brand everything. I am sure if you have ever walked in a whole foods store you can approximate close to how far over budget I went, especially because I had to replace staple stuff. I had to buy almond flour, coconut flour, spices, coconut oil, coconut aminos (a product of which I had no idea what it was till I miraculously found it among the oils), bulk raw almonds and other nuts ect ect. Look I even have ghee, (another product of which I had little to no understanding as to what it was or why I needed it)! I am pretty much totally alternative now. On the fringe.

Not only did I go over budget, it also took me about 5 hours to get it all done. I went to four different stores to get all the things I needed. Trader Joes was first, then Sprouts Farmers Market (they had what Joes didn't plus cheaper produce), followed by Costco to get some meat (and a $12 bag of pork jerky that is the most delicious dehydrated treat I have EVER had), and finally Target which was really for bathroom crap but I grabbed some odds and ends. I literally shopped the entire time my kids were in school. It was awful and I am really hoping now that I have a feel for who has what and where it is located next time won't feel so much like a marathon. Anyways, I got it done like a boss. A money spending boss. I didn't cook yesterday because I was tired of looking at food, but today I made two new things!
First I undertook the Raw Carrot Cake Balls. Carrot Cake is my second favorite dessert of all time and the idea of a health AND raw version was super exciting. I have never been a baker/dessert maker type but the recipe was easy and because they were raw I didn't have to turn on my oven in these disgusting and unnatural California winter temperatures, (85 today. It's January.). They called for Medjool dates, which I had purchased and tried in process of making the carrot balls. OMG its like eating nature candy. Seriously, they are pecan pie without pie or pecans. I could have eaten the whole tub of them, but I didn't. If I had I may have gone into a sugar coma because they are like 27grams per 2!!! I only have a mini food processor which made it not as easy because I couldn't just dump everything in, I had to do a little at a time and then hand mix. I know, rough life. They turned out really yummy. The kids were asking for them after dinner and preferred them over ginger cookies we have left from Christmas!

You can find the recipe here. Next time I would cut the almonds in half, add more dates and cinnamon, but that is my taste. It was super duper easy and a great little grab and go snack.
I also ventured into the world of made from scratch soup. My mom recently made some chicken soup and said it was the most delicious thing she has ever concocted so I figured I better follow suit. I got a rotisserie chicken from Costco, (I know I know not organic but freaking delicious and cheap as crap), took the meat off and boiled the carcass (SUCH a better word than bones) for awhile. After it had been simmering for over an hour I let it sit, mostly because I had to take my tiny child for a root canal and crown because her teeth are made of dust and we can't make them stop disintegration to save our lives, or our bank accounts. I digress. So when I got home I cut up carrots, onions, celery and kale and after straining the broth dumped it back in with all the chicken meat. I let that cook for about 30min, added some salt, pepper, poultry and Italian seasoning and bowled up. It was pretty good. I am not a huge soup person, but in the way of chicken soups that are broth based it was the best I have had. I prefer creamy soups with lots of fat and dairy but this will be great to have in the fridge and there was enough to freeze some as well.

That is all I got in the way of food ideas today, more tomorrow I am sure. I am also having some issues with figuring out exactly what my body needs to exercise without feeling like I might die afterwards. I seem to be fine during my workout (I am mostly all cardio right now), but when I finish it is like both my blood sugar and blood pressure plummet. I am weak, shaky and a little disoriented. Today I had to chug a gas station orange juice before I even got home. I didn't eat a ton today, and I know if I am gonna completely cut out carbs I need to be eating fattier meats. It seems like produce and lean protein just aren't going to cut it on the days I want to run. I imagine it will be a bit of a process and maybe I need to do a pre-workout snack or post-workout shake. It is really sort of a downer though because I would really love to just eat what I eat, exercise and be fine. I have a Drs appointment in the morning for other stuff but I am gonna mention it to him and see what he says. He'll probably tell me I'm stupid for not eating according to food pyramid, but maybe I will concern him enough to do some blood work so I can at least be sure I am not deficient in anything.
I will end today's entry with a picture of my kids lunches for tomorrow. Preparation is key when trying to eat well and I have already learned if i don't wanna send the rugrats off with Nutella sandwiches and cheese puffs I gotta do the whole lunch thing the night before.They just got to try almond butter and loved it, I like to wrap the frogs on logs (celery) in foil so it doesn't roll all around and mess itself up in their Bento boxes.

Yeah I know, rice cakes. Get off me they aren't wheat and my kids really like them. Baby steps people. As you can see, I really am, as above mentioned, a totally alternative mom. Granola even. In the outskirts, the fringes. Fightin the good fight. I'm a loner Dotty, a rebel.

Old Habits Die Hard.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Some people say that and they mean that they have been overweight their entire life and never been able to control it. What I mean is that I have always perceived my weight to be an issue, even when it isn't. This way of thinking has led me to starving myself, binging and purging, reckless eating and over exercising. I don't like to say I have eating disorders, because I imagine "real anorexia" looks like a tiny, frail ballerina pushing peas around a plate. "Real bulimia" is the person who eats a whole pizza and a whole pack of Oreos and a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips and then throws up and eats more. "Real reckless eating" is the already morbidly obese person who hides candy bars in their underwear drawer and shovels pounds of fast food into their mouths every day. I was not the extreme of any of these things, but have certainly fit into the category of all of them on and off throughout my life. Family and friends never knew because my weight never fluctuated enough to become noticeable. I have never in my life been "noticeably thin". I have come out later in life and honestly shared some of the struggles with people who I thought might benefit from hearing my story, but I don't consider myself to be a "recovering" anything. Maybe that is naive of me. It probably is, but I am the master of minimization and like it that way. If I wasn't as good at minimizing as I am, I am certain the weight of the world would have crushed me by now.
*This is a total downer so far, sorry. Don't give up on me yet!
I say all of that because here I am, not far removed from any of it, trying really hard to get on the right track. The track that isn't any of the above but involves caring about my health far more than what a scale says. I want the road less taken; the one that curves away from self destruction and fad diets in the name of "skinny" and into the horizon of "whole, healthy, strong". This seems like a no brainer, you just gotta change your habits! Pick the right thing instead of the wrong thing! Eat the good stuff not the bad stuff! Right? Easy peasy. SO NOT easy peasy. See my problem lies not in initially picking the right things, but when I have to compromise, or have a moment of weakness I feel like such a failure I wanna dump the whole idea because it seems easier to go back to eating the pizza and heading to the bathroom. I know DAMN well that comes with its own guilt, which may actually be worse than eating a cookie when I've sworn off cookies. It all goes back to that extremist side of me that I seem to constantly have to reign in.
So here I am, this is my 2nd full day of eating since the juice ended and I am already worried about what eating is going to do to my weight. I lost just under 10lbs juicing, which was stellar and I definitely needed it. My body looks better (which is apparent in the before and after undies picture I took that I am totally never posting!), and I feel really good. However, coming off a fast means putting a few of those pounds back on, not even in a bad way just the nature of eating anything after not eating anything. Water, fat, muscle, whatever- it is just how it goes. I have been eating REALLY well especially compared to prior to the fast. I am avoiding processed food altogether, any wheat products as well as sugar. Most of what I have eaten has been fresh produce and protein. If this change had been made a month ago I would have been SO proud of myself. And, I am, sort of. The problem is that I just keep thinking about how if I  was only juicing I would still lose more weight. Basically I am reverting back to the same old unhealthy, scale based, eating disorder based way of thinking I have always functioned in. It would be SO easy for me to use "juicing" as a way to avoid food, cleverly disguised as a healthy cleanse. I am still thinking back to the scale. I am still more concerned about being skinny than being healthy and I don't know if that will ever really go away. I want it to, but I feel like no matter how much I know, (and I know A LOT, I am REALLY smart *wink*), this thought process will forever be my baseline.
I am the girl who appreciates EVERY body type on EVERYONE other than herself. I am the mom who encourages her children to think about health and NEVER about body types. I am the wife who recognizes that her husband of 10 years really finds her drop dead gorgeous, (even naked after 2 kids *miracle*).  I am the daughter who preaches against all of this to her mom when she gets stuck in the same rut. I am the friend who reminds you that who you are is beautiful and fat days don't actually mean you are fat. I am the stranger comparing myself to you inch by inch and ALWAYS finding something to appreciate about you.
This is the story of my life, and I am working SO hard at changing my story. We ate out today at lunch and I was hard pressed to find the "right" foods for my new eating plans. So I ate a salad with balsamic, chili, (small bowl), which is not Paleo because beans are evil. I also had a gluten free coconut muffin which is not Paleo because rice flour is evil. AND beets, which are high starch and meant to be avoided except for every now and then. I AM A COMPLETE LOSER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Is what I am saying to myself. Normally, at this restaurant I would have had a cream based soup (probably 2 bowls), a plate of 4+ different types of breads, a cream based high calorie dressing (because you're eating lettuce and that means you can use as much blue cheese as you want), and dessert. Clearly today I did really well. Yes, I had to bend a few rules, but at this point baby steps are a big deal, especially for such a huge lifestyle change. I KNOW that, and yet I still allow myself to feel like I have somehow failed.

This is RETARDED. I am too smart to be this DUMB. It is time to adopt POSITIVITY for, to and about me. It is time to put the scale in the motherfarking DUMPSTER. It is time to eat well and live well because I am worth it regardless of what size pants I wear. This is my new day and I may have had a million of them so far but I got a million more to go and I plan to take advantage of every single one of them.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am more valuable than rubies, made in the image of the Creator of the whole universe. I was made with purpose and destiny to do things far bigger than myself. Before I was born He knew me, every hair on my head. This life is not about how I look and one of the greatest tricks the devil has ever played is convincing me and everyone else that ANYTHING about ascetics matters to ANYONE. This world has it so backwards, and it has influenced so much of my own self worth. I will not do it anymore. I simply, will, not.
SO- Cheers to an amazing start to 2014, the ability to be honest with yourself, take care of the only body that you have the best way you know how, and share your story and struggles with others so that NO ONE is left feeling alone because THAT is what it is about. Everything used for the good.

Day Nine.

I have to just vent right now about something that has nothing to do with juice because I am SO agitated. We have lived in California for 2 years and I have yet to find a church I feel at home in, (that is a whole other blog), so today I was excited to try a new one about 10min from home. I checked out their website and the service times were 8am, 9am and 10:45am with the 8am service calling itself "express" for people looking to get the message and get out. So we head out for the 10:45am service and when I get there the parking lot is empty. I thought for a moment maybe they just weren't at that location anymore or they were doing a special service at a different location but when I got around to the main doors they were open. I peep my head in and there is a dude on the stage so I say, "....Hello....is there no service today??" The gentleman walks over and tells me they only did the 8am and 9am services because the Chargers are playing. Okay- I don't understand any of that because I cannot wrap my head around peoples obsession with professional sports but I can pretend to sort of see if you have a super footbally church why you would do that. So then he says, "Are you on our Facebook group?" I don't have Facebook and it is my first time there. I did check the WEBSITE which is where ANYONE who hasn't been there would go to check service times and NOTHING was mentioned. He lets me know that if the Chargers win today next week will be the same thing. Now, I am fairly sure this guy was the lead pastor based on the pic I saw on the site. He did not introduce himself to me, he did not ask my name, he did not apologize for the confusion, he just told me to download the podcast. Really? Seriously? The whole thing was such a turn off and SO frustrating I won't even go back.
I try really hard to not be judgy about church experiences. The problem I have is that I have been a part of a REALLY fantastic church. 2 of them. Both who made church feel like home as well as reaching out to the community. I have yet to find a church here with both of those features, which to me are what makes a church. Everything is either mega church, which does AMAZING things in the community but is very difficult to connect in, or a small community church that caters to the people that are already there, IE: "Sorry we aren't having service because we all watch football". My church searching has made me SO exhausted and turned off from church in general which is really disheartening and sad because I know the importance of community. Sigh. I'm done now. Lets talk about juice.
So I think I am at a point where food isn't an issue. I didn't feel like I was struggling during Chic-fil-A yesterday at lunch or the tri-tip last night. I don't care to snack in the evening while watching TV and I can't think of anything that I just really wish I could eat. I know I really should be drinking more water, something that has always been REALLY difficult for me. I don't get thirsty and many times have to force myself to drink anything at all. That to say I am really trying today to constantly have water in hand. Which leads me to my next thought....the Master Cleanse.
Okay. So after my little bit of research about poop yesterday and the fact that I just haven't pooped the way I would like to so far during this fast I did some more in depth research concerning the Master Cleanse. I think my mom did this back in the 90s when it first got popular and I had a friend who swore by it as an annual habit, as well as hearing bits and pieces about it from TV, internet and whatever. I never did my own research though. SO based on what I have learned thus far, I am thinking I may transition from my juice fast to a 10 day Master Cleanse. It seems tried and true in the legit cleansing of your GI tract and I will already be ahead of the game having not eaten solid food for 14 days. I am a little apprehensive after the sips of salt water I had yesterday as well as just thinking about 10 days of nothing but lemon, syrup and cayenne water. I am going to do some more digging but at this point the opportunity to flush out years worth of waste in 10 days is pretty appealing.You can find out more about it here.

*Note- If you decide to do your own digging about this cleanse you will find a ton of information on how terrible it is for you on places like WebMD and the like. If this sort of information scares you, I strongly urge you to research what health looks like from a holistic standpoint vs. what Dr's tell us and then make your decision. Watching Food Matters would be a great place to start!*

I will end this wordy entry with a thought I had this morning on my way to the non church service. I was thinking about all the different recipes I have been looking at over the past few days in preparation for eating again. Specifically I was thinking about the raw carrot cake balls I was so excited about last night. I had this moment where the idea that life shouldn't revolve around food seemed so clear in my mind. I have held this little nugget of truth in the wayback of my brain for many many years but I don't think it has ever seemed to make so much sense. We spend so much time thinking about, planning for and preparing what we eat. Social life generally revolves around meals, we love ourselves and each other by using food as a reward as well as punishing ourselves by eating when we aren't feeling our best. What would life look like if food was only used as nourishment and fuel for actually LIVING. And what would LIVING look like?? What would we do if we spent time with friends and family not around a kitchen table? How would our time be spent if life did not revolve around when and what we would eat next?? I do not have these answers but I think they are valuable questions. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting healthy food that tastes really good nor is there anything wrong with enjoying the culture of sharing meals and breaking bread- something that can be traced all the way to the Bible. I am just proposing that what that looked like with Jesus is really far removed from what we do today and perhaps our practices could use reevaluation.

PS. My mom and sister are on their 5th day of juicing and I could NOT be prouder!!!!!

Day Eight.

I went out as DD last night for some friends, which was fine, I have no issue not drinking alcohol its not my thing. However their drunken munchies landed us at Denny's around 1am and I sat and drank crappy Lipton orange spice tea (all they had), whilst they chowed down on club sandwiches, fries and nachos. They felt really bad about eating in front of me, but I was fine and they DEFINITELY needed carbs in their tummies. I did add some honey to my tea which was not raw but the tea was so bad I hadn't a choice.
Felt great this morning, well rested and energetic. We are having last minute guests today so I ran out for dinner groceries (more tri-tip). It was also time to restock my produce and I was super stoked to find some different fruits on sale at the store! I got kiwi, blackberry, honeydew melon, pear, mango and pineapple- all different than what I have been juicing. I stuck with kale, spinach, cucumber and celery for my greens since I have adjusted to their taste. I also juice the beet root greens which I am not sure taste too much like anything. Oh- and I got red cabbage and cauliflower which I am curious about.
I have to be honest here, I am really bad about washing produce. At most I generally dash it under the sink stream and move on. I know I know, it's disgusting, but like many other things concerning my health I have just been so lazy. I am a very black and white sort of gal. If you cant do 100% don't even bother is sort of how I function in certain areas. For instance, if you can't eat all organic all the time then what is the point of rinsing off the apple you are eating. You don't have to tell me how ridiculous that is, I know. I think it is how I justify my laziness. BUT NOT TODAY! Today I decided that if I am going to work hard at my health I cannot ignore the fact that properly cleaning produce especially if it isn't organic (which I cannot always afford), is uber importante. (Check out my sweet linguistics skills). SO as I do for any question which needs an answer I consulted Dr.Google and found that an adequate produce wash consists of 2 parts water 1 part white vinegar. It took me about 20 minutes, but I soaked and rinsed everything I bought and this was the result:

SO GROSS. You can't see it in the image but the bottom of the glass was coated in dirt and silt. Normally I would have ingested all that. Talk about toxins. I am generally of the opinion that "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt", but considering the amount of feces and chemicals in fertilizer these days I understand that dirt actually can hurt and I will never not wash my produce in this concoction again. Now, lets all forget that I have been practically drinking a glass of this everyday for God knows how long and move forward. (No judgement). 

I also have had some issue with the poop. The poop has not been all that I hoped it would be and I was again, googling, and found an idea from the Master Cleanse diet which included drinking 32oz of salt water and lying on your side for 30min. I got about 4 good gulps down before I thought I might vomit and decided I would rather not poop. I understand all the fiber info involved in juicing and how the juice is absorbed directly in the body but I am hard pressed to think that my GI tract has been so well functioning for the past few years that there is no build up. My stomach has just felt gurgley, like I need to use the bathroom but there isn't anything there. Enough about my bowels, I have now made it through lunch at Chic-fil-A and tri-tip with fried potatoes and corn.

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.

Day Two.

Went to bed last night feeling less than fantastic. I was a little foggy with a minor headache, all due to detox I am sure. That lemon water was AWESOME though. I really did not like the juice I made for dinner last night- I gagged numerous times and won't ever make it again.

Woke up feeling great, so great in fact I decided my family and I needed to go on a hike! If you know my family you would understand how good I must have felt because we have never hiked anywhere ever, none of us. I even, (after much canoodling) convinced my husband to go which makes the whole thing even more bonkers. I had my juice and made sure the kids were fed and off we went. We live about 10min south of a trail called Iron Mountain.

We had no idea what kind of hike it was, just that it was close and the parking lot was always full. Turns out its like a 6.5mile hike round trip and uphill the whole way....thus MOUNTAIN. The kids made it a mile and we headed back, but it was fun and the fact that the husband was there made it all the better.

When we got home I got involved in vacuuming out cars and didn't realize how long it had been since I had something to "eat" until I was a little dizzy. I found a recipe for lunch that I liked a lot. It's called Tornado Juice and you can find it here.

Unfortunately I had to go grocery shopping today, which was less than desirable. I stopped and got a V8 Spicy juice to try and curb the overwhelming desire to shove pretty much anything with salt on it in my mouth. I really love the hot V8's and decided that I would keep some on hand for moments when I wanted a really savory juice. It's sort of like a meal in a bottle which makes me feel like im eating even though I'm not. I know it isn't all natural but I am okay with that. I could probably find a juice recipe that would create something similar but in my mind it just wouldn't be the same. So I'm gonna drink my spicy V8 without guilt and grocery shopping sucked.

Dinner time also sucked again today. My family had the leftover tri-tip on nachos with creamy Velveeta cheese, re-fried beans, homemade guacamole and pico. I drank sweet potato and beets. It was more than that, but I am trying to feel sorry for myself. It was no homemade guacamole okay!! I don't think I was even hungry as much as I just wanted to chew and taste food. I really wanted to chew. I still do, right this moment. I should stop talking about it and make myself some tea.