Scales are stupid, the media is killing us, here- listen to Tori Amos and cook chicken.

I have to start by making sure that everyone reading this understands that this blog is recording real life. I have in no way shape or form figured "it" out yet and a lot of what I write is a way to help me work out my own thoughts and struggles. I do this publicly because I fully believe someone will benefit or at least be left feeling less alone than before. That being said, I am pretty discouraged today.
I have actually gained weight in the past weeks. I lost some from juicing and then gained a little back which is to be expected, but I am still gaining. I know I know, muscle ways more than fat and blah diddy blah, but my clothes aren't fitting differently and I don't look any different either. I have been eating completely whole and 99% Paleo friendly as well as exercising 3 to 4 times a week. I want so much for this not to be about weight, because I really do want to be healthy, but it would seem losing some weight should be a delightful symptom of such huge lifestyle changes.
This is par for the course in my life. Even when I was exercising vigorously and eating low calorie and in the best shape I have ever been in as far as endurance and strength, I still was not losing weight. I don't get it and frankly it sort of pisses me off. There is no medical issue, nothing I can blame it on. And it isn't even that I am super unhappy with my weight I just don't understand WHY it seems an impossibility to actually drop pounds unless I am actively involved in an eating disorder.
I have read the research and I feel like I am honestly doing everything right.
"What is it that your want Brooks?" is what you may be asking yourself, in your head, right now. Lets talk about ideals. Bare with me while I sort this out for myself, as well as you. I tend to live predominantly in a sort of purgatory where body positivity and unrealistic goals are constantly at war with each other. For instance, I try to encourage myself with things like this:

I follow body positive Instagramers as well as seeking this sort of imagery when I am pooping around online. I feel like ANY sort of body positive imagery be it fat, skinny, black, white, handicapped or disfigured people, is such a far cry from what we see all day everyday in advertisement and really important in helping to keep me grounded. I love that there is even a small percentage of people who are so honestly and unapologetically comfortable in their own skin. I am in awe of them, actually. I wonder how it is that they have managed to make it through life thus far without allowing the world to tell them who they are is not enough. Furthermore, how do I teach my OWN daughter that when I can't even figure it out? I do all that I can to tell her she is enough, beautiful, funny, smart, creative and created in the image of God. I consciously keep my mouth shut about my own issues around her because I know first hand the effects of that. I talk about health and not "diet", strong and not skinny, but I would be lying if I said I believed that was enough to keep her out of the mess I have spent so much of my life in.
The reality is that I can seek out body positive stuff all day long, but as soon as I turn on the TV or drive down the highway or stand in line at the grocery store or go to the gym, this is what surrounds me:

Clothes for real Americans.

They love their bodies. I can't imagine why.

Forget the image, lets just talk about the fact that my 9 year old, who can read, sees this anytime we are at a store.

"Real" Housewives. Right.

Clearly we all "know" what NONSENSE this is and how it in NO WAY actually represents reality. However, it is all we see. Worse than that, it is what our children see. Your sons see what their future wives should look like and your daughters see who they should become physically. Think I may be exaggerating? Take a trip back in time with me real quick so I can give you some visuals as to what our little girls are being sold. I took a moment to create side by side imaging of original versions of toys/characters vs current ones:

Regular Lego/Girls Only Lego

Original My Little Pony Cartoon/Current

Original Candyland Princess/Current

As if Barbie wasn't bad enough- Original/Bratz/Monster High

Original Strawberry Shortcake/Current

Tell me I am crazy. These FEW examples barely scratch the surface of not only the inaccurate representation of what it means to be a woman or female in general but also, (especially with the Lego), the widening gender gap pushed on our kids.
I feel like I am really far off the topic of being pissed at my scale numbers at this point, and much more pissed at the fact that I am pissed at my scale numbers because I am so aware of their insignificance. I have not had a thigh gap since I was a fetus. My hips are wide. I have carried and bore two healthy children leaving my stomach scarred and stretchy. My boobs were at one point swollen with milk and fed little bodies leaving them soft and low. THIS HAS GOT TO BE OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I AM PHYSICALLY AND IT HAS TO BE OKAY. It has to be MORE than okay. I do not want to just tolerate my body, I want to be proud of it, all it is and all it isn't. And more that ANYTHING in the WHOLE world, I want my little girl to be proud of her own body as an extension of her mind and her soul and her REAL self.
Clearly I'm preaching to myself to here people, I hope someone else is hearing it. Really hearing it.

PS. I realize these thoughts are scattered and that was an abrupt ending so please go listen to this amazing song that is in no way affiliated with anything I just said but I love it and Tori Amos is awesome so enjoy.

PSS. Lets make this as random as possible by adding a recipe plug! Best wings ever- recipe could also be used on larger pieces of chicken. Check out the recipe here.

Nina Simone, Avocado Angels and Blue Haired Zumba.

 So eating is AWESOME. Especially because after my juicing fruits and veggies are more delicious than ever. I have no desire to have anything that I know is icky for me. EXCEPT Starbucks, which I partook in today. However, you have to realize that before the juicing I literally had a Venti of whatever mocha latte syrup dolce whip sugar probably twice a week if not more, on top of whatever coffee I had at home with chemical creamer. I know I know I know- everything about that is terrible for both my health and my bank account. I don't even drink caffeine so everything I have is decaf which seems idiotic to those of you who need the caffeine but I just really enjoy the taste of creamer with a bit of coffee. So today I googled (SURPRISE!), the most Paleo version of Starbucks I could get which was nothing I wanted but I did learn that the mocha flavoring they use is the only flavor that is not in syrup form but comes from a cocoa packet which has way less additives. I also read whole milk or heavy whip cream was the way to go if I had to have it. I got a tall (which is SO tiny I used to believe only children and Santas elves would want it), and it was really good. Before I would have needed like 4 sugar packets but today it was perfectly sweet enough and the tall was a perfect serving. I really enjoyed it until about 30min afterwards when I thought my guts were gonna explode. Pretty sure it was the caffeine/milk combo disagreeing with me. I didn't get decaf because apparently the decaffeinating process involves icky chemicals. Learning this was super sad because my anxiety issues do not mix well with caffeine so I won't be having nearly as much coffee.
Other than that I have been eating all produce, some cooked some not and eggs. I ate chicken, (a very small portion), tonight and my tummy seems to be okay with it. I will say though, cooking it wasn't super appetizing and it took a few bites for me to appreciate it. Not the case with the veggies! I have never enjoyed lightly cooked veggies with a little salt and pepper so much in my life. And OH avocado! Lord have mercy those things are straight from the heavens.

So I decided that Paleo is gonna be the way I go. I cannot get down with the no meat thing. I get it if you have animal cruelty issues, but there is so much info on the benefits of eating meat, provided it is grass fed and what not. (NOTE: I am totally against animal cruelty, however I don't think raising farm animals in a HEALTHY environment in order to eat them is cruel. I don't think chickens have feelings and a family that will miss them when they are gone.) I am much more worried about the grain/gluten thing than meat. I have been researching like a fiend trying to find recipes that are kid friendly. My daughter will be an easier sell than my son. She is super carnivorous and LOVES raw veggies. My son pretty much likes pizza and cheeseburgers. I have always been good about "You eat it or you are hungry", particularly at dinner time because I swore I would never be the mom that made Kraft dinner because her kids wouldn't eat what she cooked. That to say, they are accustomed to eat it or starve and I think we will be okay. Stellar parenting skills I know.
I also ventured back to the gym today since I had energy. I took a Zumba class I hadn't taken before because normally at 10am I am in school. I will call it, "Blue Hair Zumba" in acknowledgement of the fact that myself and maybe 5 other people were under 60. I wish I had had a GoPro on my head because it was pretty epic. The instructor was older too and not as rhythmic as most of them so that was awesome. Also, the woman in front of me who I ended up talking to after class was 62 and had a better body than I do. She probably could have out-Zumbad me as well. I asked her what her secret was and she told me "Never stop moving and eat what they tell you to eat", which I found out was mostly fruit and veggies coupled with Wheaties and soy milk. Her husband eats Cheerios for cholesterol but she doesn't like them, plus Wheaties have less additives. The funny thing is that soy is horrible for you, as is wheat, and this woman is healthy as a horse. Just goes to show that no one way of eating has all the answers for every person. My Nanny lived to be almost a zillion and all she ate was meat cooked in lard, veggies cooked in bacon fat and sweet tea. She also smoked like a chimney for 20 years and never exercised. Why did she live so long but Joe down the street is dying of cancer at 40? There is no answer to this question people!! The key is to do your research, figure out what makes sense to you and what works for your body and then live it out while INFORMING others but not shoving it down throats.
Off my soapbox I go!

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.

Day Two.

Went to bed last night feeling less than fantastic. I was a little foggy with a minor headache, all due to detox I am sure. That lemon water was AWESOME though. I really did not like the juice I made for dinner last night- I gagged numerous times and won't ever make it again.

Woke up feeling great, so great in fact I decided my family and I needed to go on a hike! If you know my family you would understand how good I must have felt because we have never hiked anywhere ever, none of us. I even, (after much canoodling) convinced my husband to go which makes the whole thing even more bonkers. I had my juice and made sure the kids were fed and off we went. We live about 10min south of a trail called Iron Mountain.

We had no idea what kind of hike it was, just that it was close and the parking lot was always full. Turns out its like a 6.5mile hike round trip and uphill the whole way....thus MOUNTAIN. The kids made it a mile and we headed back, but it was fun and the fact that the husband was there made it all the better.

When we got home I got involved in vacuuming out cars and didn't realize how long it had been since I had something to "eat" until I was a little dizzy. I found a recipe for lunch that I liked a lot. It's called Tornado Juice and you can find it here.

Unfortunately I had to go grocery shopping today, which was less than desirable. I stopped and got a V8 Spicy juice to try and curb the overwhelming desire to shove pretty much anything with salt on it in my mouth. I really love the hot V8's and decided that I would keep some on hand for moments when I wanted a really savory juice. It's sort of like a meal in a bottle which makes me feel like im eating even though I'm not. I know it isn't all natural but I am okay with that. I could probably find a juice recipe that would create something similar but in my mind it just wouldn't be the same. So I'm gonna drink my spicy V8 without guilt and grocery shopping sucked.

Dinner time also sucked again today. My family had the leftover tri-tip on nachos with creamy Velveeta cheese, re-fried beans, homemade guacamole and pico. I drank sweet potato and beets. It was more than that, but I am trying to feel sorry for myself. It was no homemade guacamole okay!! I don't think I was even hungry as much as I just wanted to chew and taste food. I really wanted to chew. I still do, right this moment. I should stop talking about it and make myself some tea.