I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Old Habits Die Hard.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Some people say that and they mean that they have been overweight their entire life and never been able to control it. What I mean is that I have always perceived my weight to be an issue, even when it isn't. This way of thinking has led me to starving myself, binging and purging, reckless eating and over exercising. I don't like to say I have eating disorders, because I imagine "real anorexia" looks like a tiny, frail ballerina pushing peas around a plate. "Real bulimia" is the person who eats a whole pizza and a whole pack of Oreos and a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips and then throws up and eats more. "Real reckless eating" is the already morbidly obese person who hides candy bars in their underwear drawer and shovels pounds of fast food into their mouths every day. I was not the extreme of any of these things, but have certainly fit into the category of all of them on and off throughout my life. Family and friends never knew because my weight never fluctuated enough to become noticeable. I have never in my life been "noticeably thin". I have come out later in life and honestly shared some of the struggles with people who I thought might benefit from hearing my story, but I don't consider myself to be a "recovering" anything. Maybe that is naive of me. It probably is, but I am the master of minimization and like it that way. If I wasn't as good at minimizing as I am, I am certain the weight of the world would have crushed me by now.
*This is a total downer so far, sorry. Don't give up on me yet!
I say all of that because here I am, not far removed from any of it, trying really hard to get on the right track. The track that isn't any of the above but involves caring about my health far more than what a scale says. I want the road less taken; the one that curves away from self destruction and fad diets in the name of "skinny" and into the horizon of "whole, healthy, strong". This seems like a no brainer, you just gotta change your habits! Pick the right thing instead of the wrong thing! Eat the good stuff not the bad stuff! Right? Easy peasy. SO NOT easy peasy. See my problem lies not in initially picking the right things, but when I have to compromise, or have a moment of weakness I feel like such a failure I wanna dump the whole idea because it seems easier to go back to eating the pizza and heading to the bathroom. I know DAMN well that comes with its own guilt, which may actually be worse than eating a cookie when I've sworn off cookies. It all goes back to that extremist side of me that I seem to constantly have to reign in.
So here I am, this is my 2nd full day of eating since the juice ended and I am already worried about what eating is going to do to my weight. I lost just under 10lbs juicing, which was stellar and I definitely needed it. My body looks better (which is apparent in the before and after undies picture I took that I am totally never posting!), and I feel really good. However, coming off a fast means putting a few of those pounds back on, not even in a bad way just the nature of eating anything after not eating anything. Water, fat, muscle, whatever- it is just how it goes. I have been eating REALLY well especially compared to prior to the fast. I am avoiding processed food altogether, any wheat products as well as sugar. Most of what I have eaten has been fresh produce and protein. If this change had been made a month ago I would have been SO proud of myself. And, I am, sort of. The problem is that I just keep thinking about how if I  was only juicing I would still lose more weight. Basically I am reverting back to the same old unhealthy, scale based, eating disorder based way of thinking I have always functioned in. It would be SO easy for me to use "juicing" as a way to avoid food, cleverly disguised as a healthy cleanse. I am still thinking back to the scale. I am still more concerned about being skinny than being healthy and I don't know if that will ever really go away. I want it to, but I feel like no matter how much I know, (and I know A LOT, I am REALLY smart *wink*), this thought process will forever be my baseline.
I am the girl who appreciates EVERY body type on EVERYONE other than herself. I am the mom who encourages her children to think about health and NEVER about body types. I am the wife who recognizes that her husband of 10 years really finds her drop dead gorgeous, (even naked after 2 kids *miracle*).  I am the daughter who preaches against all of this to her mom when she gets stuck in the same rut. I am the friend who reminds you that who you are is beautiful and fat days don't actually mean you are fat. I am the stranger comparing myself to you inch by inch and ALWAYS finding something to appreciate about you.
This is the story of my life, and I am working SO hard at changing my story. We ate out today at lunch and I was hard pressed to find the "right" foods for my new eating plans. So I ate a salad with balsamic, chili, (small bowl), which is not Paleo because beans are evil. I also had a gluten free coconut muffin which is not Paleo because rice flour is evil. AND beets, which are high starch and meant to be avoided except for every now and then. I AM A COMPLETE LOSER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Is what I am saying to myself. Normally, at this restaurant I would have had a cream based soup (probably 2 bowls), a plate of 4+ different types of breads, a cream based high calorie dressing (because you're eating lettuce and that means you can use as much blue cheese as you want), and dessert. Clearly today I did really well. Yes, I had to bend a few rules, but at this point baby steps are a big deal, especially for such a huge lifestyle change. I KNOW that, and yet I still allow myself to feel like I have somehow failed.

This is RETARDED. I am too smart to be this DUMB. It is time to adopt POSITIVITY for, to and about me. It is time to put the scale in the motherfarking DUMPSTER. It is time to eat well and live well because I am worth it regardless of what size pants I wear. This is my new day and I may have had a million of them so far but I got a million more to go and I plan to take advantage of every single one of them.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am more valuable than rubies, made in the image of the Creator of the whole universe. I was made with purpose and destiny to do things far bigger than myself. Before I was born He knew me, every hair on my head. This life is not about how I look and one of the greatest tricks the devil has ever played is convincing me and everyone else that ANYTHING about ascetics matters to ANYONE. This world has it so backwards, and it has influenced so much of my own self worth. I will not do it anymore. I simply, will, not.
SO- Cheers to an amazing start to 2014, the ability to be honest with yourself, take care of the only body that you have the best way you know how, and share your story and struggles with others so that NO ONE is left feeling alone because THAT is what it is about. Everything used for the good.

Day Nine.

I have to just vent right now about something that has nothing to do with juice because I am SO agitated. We have lived in California for 2 years and I have yet to find a church I feel at home in, (that is a whole other blog), so today I was excited to try a new one about 10min from home. I checked out their website and the service times were 8am, 9am and 10:45am with the 8am service calling itself "express" for people looking to get the message and get out. So we head out for the 10:45am service and when I get there the parking lot is empty. I thought for a moment maybe they just weren't at that location anymore or they were doing a special service at a different location but when I got around to the main doors they were open. I peep my head in and there is a dude on the stage so I say, "....Hello....is there no service today??" The gentleman walks over and tells me they only did the 8am and 9am services because the Chargers are playing. Okay- I don't understand any of that because I cannot wrap my head around peoples obsession with professional sports but I can pretend to sort of see if you have a super footbally church why you would do that. So then he says, "Are you on our Facebook group?" I don't have Facebook and it is my first time there. I did check the WEBSITE which is where ANYONE who hasn't been there would go to check service times and NOTHING was mentioned. He lets me know that if the Chargers win today next week will be the same thing. Now, I am fairly sure this guy was the lead pastor based on the pic I saw on the site. He did not introduce himself to me, he did not ask my name, he did not apologize for the confusion, he just told me to download the podcast. Really? Seriously? The whole thing was such a turn off and SO frustrating I won't even go back.
I try really hard to not be judgy about church experiences. The problem I have is that I have been a part of a REALLY fantastic church. 2 of them. Both who made church feel like home as well as reaching out to the community. I have yet to find a church here with both of those features, which to me are what makes a church. Everything is either mega church, which does AMAZING things in the community but is very difficult to connect in, or a small community church that caters to the people that are already there, IE: "Sorry we aren't having service because we all watch football". My church searching has made me SO exhausted and turned off from church in general which is really disheartening and sad because I know the importance of community. Sigh. I'm done now. Lets talk about juice.
So I think I am at a point where food isn't an issue. I didn't feel like I was struggling during Chic-fil-A yesterday at lunch or the tri-tip last night. I don't care to snack in the evening while watching TV and I can't think of anything that I just really wish I could eat. I know I really should be drinking more water, something that has always been REALLY difficult for me. I don't get thirsty and many times have to force myself to drink anything at all. That to say I am really trying today to constantly have water in hand. Which leads me to my next thought....the Master Cleanse.
Okay. So after my little bit of research about poop yesterday and the fact that I just haven't pooped the way I would like to so far during this fast I did some more in depth research concerning the Master Cleanse. I think my mom did this back in the 90s when it first got popular and I had a friend who swore by it as an annual habit, as well as hearing bits and pieces about it from TV, internet and whatever. I never did my own research though. SO based on what I have learned thus far, I am thinking I may transition from my juice fast to a 10 day Master Cleanse. It seems tried and true in the legit cleansing of your GI tract and I will already be ahead of the game having not eaten solid food for 14 days. I am a little apprehensive after the sips of salt water I had yesterday as well as just thinking about 10 days of nothing but lemon, syrup and cayenne water. I am going to do some more digging but at this point the opportunity to flush out years worth of waste in 10 days is pretty appealing.You can find out more about it here.

*Note- If you decide to do your own digging about this cleanse you will find a ton of information on how terrible it is for you on places like WebMD and the like. If this sort of information scares you, I strongly urge you to research what health looks like from a holistic standpoint vs. what Dr's tell us and then make your decision. Watching Food Matters would be a great place to start!*

I will end this wordy entry with a thought I had this morning on my way to the non church service. I was thinking about all the different recipes I have been looking at over the past few days in preparation for eating again. Specifically I was thinking about the raw carrot cake balls I was so excited about last night. I had this moment where the idea that life shouldn't revolve around food seemed so clear in my mind. I have held this little nugget of truth in the wayback of my brain for many many years but I don't think it has ever seemed to make so much sense. We spend so much time thinking about, planning for and preparing what we eat. Social life generally revolves around meals, we love ourselves and each other by using food as a reward as well as punishing ourselves by eating when we aren't feeling our best. What would life look like if food was only used as nourishment and fuel for actually LIVING. And what would LIVING look like?? What would we do if we spent time with friends and family not around a kitchen table? How would our time be spent if life did not revolve around when and what we would eat next?? I do not have these answers but I think they are valuable questions. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting healthy food that tastes really good nor is there anything wrong with enjoying the culture of sharing meals and breaking bread- something that can be traced all the way to the Bible. I am just proposing that what that looked like with Jesus is really far removed from what we do today and perhaps our practices could use reevaluation.

PS. My mom and sister are on their 5th day of juicing and I could NOT be prouder!!!!!

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.

Day Two.

Went to bed last night feeling less than fantastic. I was a little foggy with a minor headache, all due to detox I am sure. That lemon water was AWESOME though. I really did not like the juice I made for dinner last night- I gagged numerous times and won't ever make it again.

Woke up feeling great, so great in fact I decided my family and I needed to go on a hike! If you know my family you would understand how good I must have felt because we have never hiked anywhere ever, none of us. I even, (after much canoodling) convinced my husband to go which makes the whole thing even more bonkers. I had my juice and made sure the kids were fed and off we went. We live about 10min south of a trail called Iron Mountain.

We had no idea what kind of hike it was, just that it was close and the parking lot was always full. Turns out its like a 6.5mile hike round trip and uphill the whole way....thus MOUNTAIN. The kids made it a mile and we headed back, but it was fun and the fact that the husband was there made it all the better.

When we got home I got involved in vacuuming out cars and didn't realize how long it had been since I had something to "eat" until I was a little dizzy. I found a recipe for lunch that I liked a lot. It's called Tornado Juice and you can find it here.

Unfortunately I had to go grocery shopping today, which was less than desirable. I stopped and got a V8 Spicy juice to try and curb the overwhelming desire to shove pretty much anything with salt on it in my mouth. I really love the hot V8's and decided that I would keep some on hand for moments when I wanted a really savory juice. It's sort of like a meal in a bottle which makes me feel like im eating even though I'm not. I know it isn't all natural but I am okay with that. I could probably find a juice recipe that would create something similar but in my mind it just wouldn't be the same. So I'm gonna drink my spicy V8 without guilt and grocery shopping sucked.

Dinner time also sucked again today. My family had the leftover tri-tip on nachos with creamy Velveeta cheese, re-fried beans, homemade guacamole and pico. I drank sweet potato and beets. It was more than that, but I am trying to feel sorry for myself. It was no homemade guacamole okay!! I don't think I was even hungry as much as I just wanted to chew and taste food. I really wanted to chew. I still do, right this moment. I should stop talking about it and make myself some tea.

Day One.

I was so stoked after the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" viewing I decided I simply couldn't wait to start my juice fast. My family and I woke up early this morning and after a cup of orange carrot juice, headed to the farmers market to grab some locally grown produce. I did some research, mostly here, and had figured based on 5 or 6 different juices how much of everything I would need....which was a TON. I'm talking like 28 apples, 30 carrots, 24 stalks of celery, etc and this was only for a week of juicing 4-5 times a day. I got about half of what I needed at the market, mostly because it was PACKED and it was hard to move, much less shop.

I was super okay with not sampling all the AMAZING foods at the market, which I think is really only because I would have had to climb through people to lay claim to 1/4 of a cracker with hummus and even if I could have eaten them I'm not sure I had the patience. After the market we headed to a swap meet to get some more cheap produce and do a bit of treasure hunting. I got an entire BOX of cucumbers for $2 as well as a huge bag of oranges for $3. Also, vintage clip on earrings I plan on using as pieces on my plugs, so treasure hunting was a success also! Lunch was Jamba juice, not what I would have preffered, but we were out and I got a fruit/veggie smoothie with no dairy or soy so it was okay. I drank it at the table with my family while they chowed down on Chinese food and really didn't feel like I was missing out. When I got home I cut up/peeled a ton of the produce so it would be less work making my juice the next few times. My fridge is PACKED and there are 2 boxes on my kitchen floor, one full of apples and citrus fruit and another cucumbers and sweet potatoes.

I felt really good until my husband started chopping up mushrooms and peppers to saute for the tri-tip he was grilling, which just happens to be my favorite cut of meat. I made myself a kale/swiss chard/orange and beet greens concoction that pretty much tastes like a freshly mowed lawn. It's gross and my house smells like perfectly cooked dead animal which no matter how disgusting I try and make it sound it doesn't work. I opted out of sitting at the table with my family, which may make me a terrible mother, but a less sad and grouchy one so I have to choose my battles. Anyhow, day one is coming to a close and I am trying to choke down my liquid grass while reminding myself I can have hot water and lemon afterwards. Who looks forward to hot water and lemon????

PS. Found the most amazing cauliflower at the market! It's like eating art!!

PSS. Also found this guy...

I'm ready, I'm not ready, I'm ready....I think.

For the past two years I have done a New Years juice cleanse. The first year I lasted 7 days, the following year only 3. The first go round was amazing, like hitting a reset button on my body. I lost 10lbs and kept it off for over a year. The beginning of this year, my motivation was low and I am pretty sure I cheated even for the measly 3 days I attempted to fast. Needless to say it didn't have an affect on my overall health or weight. It is December 28, 2013 and after a long and tiring fall semester full of convenience food, as well as giving up all things sugar free and replacing them with real sugar and little to no gym time, my body is not functioning or looking its best. I am super low energy, craving all the wrong things, my mental state has not been at its finest even with my meds and I have gained about 6lbs since September. I knew coming up on the holidays that something needed to be done and I halfheartedly began trying to cut back on carbs and sugar while trudging to the gym once a week if I could find the motivation. As you may have guessed, my weak attempt has had no affect. I knew come Jan 1st I would do the juice thing but I was really struggling mentally with even that. Even 3 days of juice sounded like hell on earth, especially with my garbage disposal husband eating everything in site with no regard for its nutritional value and my growing kids who I knew I would have to prepare food for. I needed motivation, and it came in the form of Netflix. If you are a parent you know how hard it is to find something interesting AND kid friendly to watch pre-bedtime, but while scrolling through Netflix documentaries I came upon "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead". I watched in absolute astonishment at the willpower and dedication of Joe Cross as he did a 60 day juice fast, all the while sitting in restaurants with people eating all things fried and delicious while talking about health. Not only did he accomplish his goal, he continued on in this drastic and predominantly raw vegan lifestyle and has since helped tons of other people. His enormous weight loss, close to 100lbs I believe, wasn't even the most amazing part. He has an autoimmune disease which causes chronic hives amongst other things, and from day one of his lifestyle change he has not had a breakout. His diet HEALED his body. This was exactly what I needed. I turned off the TV ready to go....maybe not for 60days, but as long as I could mentally and financially. This little blog is for accountability, to myself and whomever else crosses it. I have taken a before photo of myself in my skivvies, but I am totally not ready to share it. My goal is a minimum of 14 days juicing, leading into a genuine lifestyle change even as I incorporate chewing back into my life. Here we go!