Mustard Seed Faith.

Went to my psychiatrist. Last time I was there she upped me to a higher dose, (which I never started taking) and I showed up this time telling her I was coming off. I wish I had been able to capture the look on her face when I said it, it was pretty priceless. It was a lot like this:

Only she didn't have a mic and shes Russian and a she. After her moment of bewilderment she flipped through my file reminding me of the multiple emotional disorders I have as well as the 80% fail rate particularly based on my "genetic machinery". Then she told me she had to tell me all that but the choice was mine. So I asked what the next step was. She wrote me a prescription for the lowest dose and told me to take one and a half for the first week, then just one, followed by just half and then none at which point I am to report back to her. She said the fact that I hadn't had any withdrawal symptoms having cut back on my own was a good sign. So I am officially in it guys. I stepped off the sand, into the water and I am wading out.
What is really awesome is that since I started juicing which is almost a month ago now, I have not had to take a Xanax. I have had two instances when I felt super anxious and had to get inside my head and calm myself down, but did so totally without the help of medicine. This is HUGE for me, because typically I would struggle with anxiety throughout every day. I may not need to take narcotics for it but I am generally constantly staving off a panic attack. The whole issue is just a daily struggle even being on meds so the fact that I have felt as good as I have is almost alarming. It makes me nervous, like this is some calm before the storm, which is dumb considering I really do believe God is taking care of it. I guess I am only human and doubt is to be expected, even when there has yet to be a good reason for it.
Doubt is so funny in terms of faith, though. I was watching this televangelist that I actually really like named Jesse Duplantis. He's an older, straight outta Louisiana, full of faith and funny as can be sort of preacher. I had him on the TV mostly as background noise while I was doing something on the computer so I wasn't listening intently but I heard him say "Faith is so powerful that God had to put a dimension on it..." He was talking about a mustard seed. God had to literally size faith down to a tiny little seed in order for us wrap our silly little heads around its power. If faith as small as a mustard seed can literally move mountains imagine what faith the size of a peach pit might do.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

I have a ton of other things to write about tonight but my family has started a movie so I have to run. Till next time friends.

Scales are stupid, the media is killing us, here- listen to Tori Amos and cook chicken.

I have to start by making sure that everyone reading this understands that this blog is recording real life. I have in no way shape or form figured "it" out yet and a lot of what I write is a way to help me work out my own thoughts and struggles. I do this publicly because I fully believe someone will benefit or at least be left feeling less alone than before. That being said, I am pretty discouraged today.
I have actually gained weight in the past weeks. I lost some from juicing and then gained a little back which is to be expected, but I am still gaining. I know I know, muscle ways more than fat and blah diddy blah, but my clothes aren't fitting differently and I don't look any different either. I have been eating completely whole and 99% Paleo friendly as well as exercising 3 to 4 times a week. I want so much for this not to be about weight, because I really do want to be healthy, but it would seem losing some weight should be a delightful symptom of such huge lifestyle changes.
This is par for the course in my life. Even when I was exercising vigorously and eating low calorie and in the best shape I have ever been in as far as endurance and strength, I still was not losing weight. I don't get it and frankly it sort of pisses me off. There is no medical issue, nothing I can blame it on. And it isn't even that I am super unhappy with my weight I just don't understand WHY it seems an impossibility to actually drop pounds unless I am actively involved in an eating disorder.
I have read the research and I feel like I am honestly doing everything right.
"What is it that your want Brooks?" is what you may be asking yourself, in your head, right now. Lets talk about ideals. Bare with me while I sort this out for myself, as well as you. I tend to live predominantly in a sort of purgatory where body positivity and unrealistic goals are constantly at war with each other. For instance, I try to encourage myself with things like this:

I follow body positive Instagramers as well as seeking this sort of imagery when I am pooping around online. I feel like ANY sort of body positive imagery be it fat, skinny, black, white, handicapped or disfigured people, is such a far cry from what we see all day everyday in advertisement and really important in helping to keep me grounded. I love that there is even a small percentage of people who are so honestly and unapologetically comfortable in their own skin. I am in awe of them, actually. I wonder how it is that they have managed to make it through life thus far without allowing the world to tell them who they are is not enough. Furthermore, how do I teach my OWN daughter that when I can't even figure it out? I do all that I can to tell her she is enough, beautiful, funny, smart, creative and created in the image of God. I consciously keep my mouth shut about my own issues around her because I know first hand the effects of that. I talk about health and not "diet", strong and not skinny, but I would be lying if I said I believed that was enough to keep her out of the mess I have spent so much of my life in.
The reality is that I can seek out body positive stuff all day long, but as soon as I turn on the TV or drive down the highway or stand in line at the grocery store or go to the gym, this is what surrounds me:

Clothes for real Americans.

They love their bodies. I can't imagine why.

Forget the image, lets just talk about the fact that my 9 year old, who can read, sees this anytime we are at a store.

"Real" Housewives. Right.

Clearly we all "know" what NONSENSE this is and how it in NO WAY actually represents reality. However, it is all we see. Worse than that, it is what our children see. Your sons see what their future wives should look like and your daughters see who they should become physically. Think I may be exaggerating? Take a trip back in time with me real quick so I can give you some visuals as to what our little girls are being sold. I took a moment to create side by side imaging of original versions of toys/characters vs current ones:

Regular Lego/Girls Only Lego

Original My Little Pony Cartoon/Current

Original Candyland Princess/Current

As if Barbie wasn't bad enough- Original/Bratz/Monster High

Original Strawberry Shortcake/Current

Tell me I am crazy. These FEW examples barely scratch the surface of not only the inaccurate representation of what it means to be a woman or female in general but also, (especially with the Lego), the widening gender gap pushed on our kids.
I feel like I am really far off the topic of being pissed at my scale numbers at this point, and much more pissed at the fact that I am pissed at my scale numbers because I am so aware of their insignificance. I have not had a thigh gap since I was a fetus. My hips are wide. I have carried and bore two healthy children leaving my stomach scarred and stretchy. My boobs were at one point swollen with milk and fed little bodies leaving them soft and low. THIS HAS GOT TO BE OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I AM PHYSICALLY AND IT HAS TO BE OKAY. It has to be MORE than okay. I do not want to just tolerate my body, I want to be proud of it, all it is and all it isn't. And more that ANYTHING in the WHOLE world, I want my little girl to be proud of her own body as an extension of her mind and her soul and her REAL self.
Clearly I'm preaching to myself to here people, I hope someone else is hearing it. Really hearing it.

PS. I realize these thoughts are scattered and that was an abrupt ending so please go listen to this amazing song that is in no way affiliated with anything I just said but I love it and Tori Amos is awesome so enjoy.

PSS. Lets make this as random as possible by adding a recipe plug! Best wings ever- recipe could also be used on larger pieces of chicken. Check out the recipe here.

Click Here For Bacon.

Keepin it short today but wanted to share an awesome dinner idea! Tonight I made Bacon Wrapped Chicken with Maple Parsnips and both were delicious. The smallest child was not a fan of the parsnips which is beyond me because they are cooked in coconut oil and syrup. (RIGHT!) However the meaty entree was a hit all around.
You can get the recipe for the chicken here. It isn't totally Paleo as it uses brown sugar, but it IS totally good and worth the little cheat. I cut the chili powder in half so my kids wouldn't complain, and I was short on bacon so a few of them cooked sans pork and still turned out super yummy.
The maple parsnips are here. I had never had parsnips but they were a lot like a mild carrot and once you cook them in all that coconut and maple they pretty much taste like dessert.
Both of these recipes are super good, however I wouldn't pair them again based on the fact that they are both pretty sweet. I will definitely make both again but pair each with something much more savory.

I also made what turned out to be a really good gluten free, dairy free, vegan friendly "bread/cake". I felt certain while I made it that my kids would not be fooled but was pleasantly surprised when they both moaned about how delicious it was and asked if they could PLEASE take some in their lunch tomorrow! The coconut flour and lack of "real sugar" certainly makes it apparent that it is not the kind of cake I grew up eating. BUT, it is really flavorful, moist and will fill any carb/bread craving you have. If you would like to make it check out the recipe here. The website you will be linked to has a TON of really good recipes like the Cranberry Orange Loaf I just told you about.

I used a LOT of coconut oil tonight and it never occurred to me to check the nutrition label. ACK! It is really high in fat. I know that it is good fat and I get the science behind Paleo and yada yada but it freaked me out to see 14g of fat in TWO tablespoons after I used like 10. Changing your eating habits is hard but changing your MIND about what is good for you is even harder. I needed to remind myself about the science behind Paleo so I went here. I suppose I will just keep reading stuff like this till it is as ingrained in me as my backwards idea of health.

Other than that I have been feeling really good!! My mood has actually been better than usual which I really have to credit to my clean diet and (more importantly) the continued prayer and support from my family and friends and a God who sees my beginning from end and is faithful! I haven't lost more weight but I am trying not to think about it. I have been going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week and really enjoying my workouts for the most part. I think I figured out what to eat to maintain my energy during exercise so that is a huge relief. I am proud of all that I have worked to accomplish for myself and my family so far this year and I have really high hopes for the rest of 2014, which is both exciting and scary. I am definitely not a "aim for the stars" type so aiming for the stars is really intimidating. Plus, school starts in a week and I know that will disrupt my new routine in a major way. I plan on being as intentional as possible in food and exercise and time management, but I know a full class load will certainly manage to rain on that parade a little. Ah well, hope for the best prepare for the worst? I suppose that really isn't hope at all but it seems fitting.

I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Day Nine.

I have to just vent right now about something that has nothing to do with juice because I am SO agitated. We have lived in California for 2 years and I have yet to find a church I feel at home in, (that is a whole other blog), so today I was excited to try a new one about 10min from home. I checked out their website and the service times were 8am, 9am and 10:45am with the 8am service calling itself "express" for people looking to get the message and get out. So we head out for the 10:45am service and when I get there the parking lot is empty. I thought for a moment maybe they just weren't at that location anymore or they were doing a special service at a different location but when I got around to the main doors they were open. I peep my head in and there is a dude on the stage so I say, "....Hello....is there no service today??" The gentleman walks over and tells me they only did the 8am and 9am services because the Chargers are playing. Okay- I don't understand any of that because I cannot wrap my head around peoples obsession with professional sports but I can pretend to sort of see if you have a super footbally church why you would do that. So then he says, "Are you on our Facebook group?" I don't have Facebook and it is my first time there. I did check the WEBSITE which is where ANYONE who hasn't been there would go to check service times and NOTHING was mentioned. He lets me know that if the Chargers win today next week will be the same thing. Now, I am fairly sure this guy was the lead pastor based on the pic I saw on the site. He did not introduce himself to me, he did not ask my name, he did not apologize for the confusion, he just told me to download the podcast. Really? Seriously? The whole thing was such a turn off and SO frustrating I won't even go back.
I try really hard to not be judgy about church experiences. The problem I have is that I have been a part of a REALLY fantastic church. 2 of them. Both who made church feel like home as well as reaching out to the community. I have yet to find a church here with both of those features, which to me are what makes a church. Everything is either mega church, which does AMAZING things in the community but is very difficult to connect in, or a small community church that caters to the people that are already there, IE: "Sorry we aren't having service because we all watch football". My church searching has made me SO exhausted and turned off from church in general which is really disheartening and sad because I know the importance of community. Sigh. I'm done now. Lets talk about juice.
So I think I am at a point where food isn't an issue. I didn't feel like I was struggling during Chic-fil-A yesterday at lunch or the tri-tip last night. I don't care to snack in the evening while watching TV and I can't think of anything that I just really wish I could eat. I know I really should be drinking more water, something that has always been REALLY difficult for me. I don't get thirsty and many times have to force myself to drink anything at all. That to say I am really trying today to constantly have water in hand. Which leads me to my next thought....the Master Cleanse.
Okay. So after my little bit of research about poop yesterday and the fact that I just haven't pooped the way I would like to so far during this fast I did some more in depth research concerning the Master Cleanse. I think my mom did this back in the 90s when it first got popular and I had a friend who swore by it as an annual habit, as well as hearing bits and pieces about it from TV, internet and whatever. I never did my own research though. SO based on what I have learned thus far, I am thinking I may transition from my juice fast to a 10 day Master Cleanse. It seems tried and true in the legit cleansing of your GI tract and I will already be ahead of the game having not eaten solid food for 14 days. I am a little apprehensive after the sips of salt water I had yesterday as well as just thinking about 10 days of nothing but lemon, syrup and cayenne water. I am going to do some more digging but at this point the opportunity to flush out years worth of waste in 10 days is pretty appealing.You can find out more about it here.

*Note- If you decide to do your own digging about this cleanse you will find a ton of information on how terrible it is for you on places like WebMD and the like. If this sort of information scares you, I strongly urge you to research what health looks like from a holistic standpoint vs. what Dr's tell us and then make your decision. Watching Food Matters would be a great place to start!*

I will end this wordy entry with a thought I had this morning on my way to the non church service. I was thinking about all the different recipes I have been looking at over the past few days in preparation for eating again. Specifically I was thinking about the raw carrot cake balls I was so excited about last night. I had this moment where the idea that life shouldn't revolve around food seemed so clear in my mind. I have held this little nugget of truth in the wayback of my brain for many many years but I don't think it has ever seemed to make so much sense. We spend so much time thinking about, planning for and preparing what we eat. Social life generally revolves around meals, we love ourselves and each other by using food as a reward as well as punishing ourselves by eating when we aren't feeling our best. What would life look like if food was only used as nourishment and fuel for actually LIVING. And what would LIVING look like?? What would we do if we spent time with friends and family not around a kitchen table? How would our time be spent if life did not revolve around when and what we would eat next?? I do not have these answers but I think they are valuable questions. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting healthy food that tastes really good nor is there anything wrong with enjoying the culture of sharing meals and breaking bread- something that can be traced all the way to the Bible. I am just proposing that what that looked like with Jesus is really far removed from what we do today and perhaps our practices could use reevaluation.

PS. My mom and sister are on their 5th day of juicing and I could NOT be prouder!!!!!

Day Six

Went to bad last night with a seriously annoying headache as well as a little bit of a loopy feeling. I was really not in a good mood the latter part of yesterday afternoon and I was hoping for a good nights sleep and a burst of new energy in the AM. I didn't get either. The good nights sleep was a stretch because I was on a couch so I should have accepted that wasn't going to happen before I thought about it, but I woke up and STILL had a headache which was disheartening. I am really trying to avoid taking something for it because I would prefer to let it work itself out. Seems sort of counterproductive to not eat food but wash down unnecessary pharmaceuticals. Also, I am pretty sure it is a sinus issue and those meds not only have pain killers but also caffeine so I am toughing it out. We headed home after breakfast and the drive did not help the headache. 2 hours in the car, sun directly ahead and an ascent to 5000ft above sea level only to come right back down just added to my misery.
I'm whining. Lets move forward.
I did decide today I need to switch up my juice atleast for a moment to feel like I was taking in something new and different. I decided to just start concoting and the end product looks really bad but tastes like a smoothie! I shall call it The Green Banana, and it makes enough for 2 servings!

The Green Banana

3 leaves Swiss chard                                            
3 leaves kale
1 lg orange
1 lg carrot
1 celery stalk

Juice above ingredients and immediately blend with 2 bananas and pour second serving in airtight jar to be refrigerated. Once you have a serving size left add ice and blend again. Pour and enjoy!

Other than that today has been uneventful. Nothing productive or life changing, no cool pictures for the blog, just a lot of bumming around trying to not feel like I just want to sleep thru the next 3 days. I keep waiting to just not want to eat but at this point I am convinced that eating is so innate in us that the desire on whatever level will never just cease, and if it does something major is going on. Forget all the cultural, social, whatever- aspects we have created about and around food, chewing is in our DNA. We are meant to eat and going so completely against such a natural instinct is rough, even though it is temporary and totally what my body needs right now. I don't want a cheeseburger or supreme pizza, I just want a spoon and an avocado or cherry tomatoes drizzled with balsamic.
I will say I am pretty stoked with myself for not caving over New Years mini vacation. I really can't believe I pushed through, so much so I feel like I ate something and just don't remember. Tomorrow is my halfway point and I am really praying for a smooth ride to the end.

PS. My mom started juicing yesterday and is so far doing well! I am so proud of her!!!

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.