Click Here For Bacon.

Keepin it short today but wanted to share an awesome dinner idea! Tonight I made Bacon Wrapped Chicken with Maple Parsnips and both were delicious. The smallest child was not a fan of the parsnips which is beyond me because they are cooked in coconut oil and syrup. (RIGHT!) However the meaty entree was a hit all around.
You can get the recipe for the chicken here. It isn't totally Paleo as it uses brown sugar, but it IS totally good and worth the little cheat. I cut the chili powder in half so my kids wouldn't complain, and I was short on bacon so a few of them cooked sans pork and still turned out super yummy.
The maple parsnips are here. I had never had parsnips but they were a lot like a mild carrot and once you cook them in all that coconut and maple they pretty much taste like dessert.
Both of these recipes are super good, however I wouldn't pair them again based on the fact that they are both pretty sweet. I will definitely make both again but pair each with something much more savory.

I also made what turned out to be a really good gluten free, dairy free, vegan friendly "bread/cake". I felt certain while I made it that my kids would not be fooled but was pleasantly surprised when they both moaned about how delicious it was and asked if they could PLEASE take some in their lunch tomorrow! The coconut flour and lack of "real sugar" certainly makes it apparent that it is not the kind of cake I grew up eating. BUT, it is really flavorful, moist and will fill any carb/bread craving you have. If you would like to make it check out the recipe here. The website you will be linked to has a TON of really good recipes like the Cranberry Orange Loaf I just told you about.

I used a LOT of coconut oil tonight and it never occurred to me to check the nutrition label. ACK! It is really high in fat. I know that it is good fat and I get the science behind Paleo and yada yada but it freaked me out to see 14g of fat in TWO tablespoons after I used like 10. Changing your eating habits is hard but changing your MIND about what is good for you is even harder. I needed to remind myself about the science behind Paleo so I went here. I suppose I will just keep reading stuff like this till it is as ingrained in me as my backwards idea of health.

Other than that I have been feeling really good!! My mood has actually been better than usual which I really have to credit to my clean diet and (more importantly) the continued prayer and support from my family and friends and a God who sees my beginning from end and is faithful! I haven't lost more weight but I am trying not to think about it. I have been going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week and really enjoying my workouts for the most part. I think I figured out what to eat to maintain my energy during exercise so that is a huge relief. I am proud of all that I have worked to accomplish for myself and my family so far this year and I have really high hopes for the rest of 2014, which is both exciting and scary. I am definitely not a "aim for the stars" type so aiming for the stars is really intimidating. Plus, school starts in a week and I know that will disrupt my new routine in a major way. I plan on being as intentional as possible in food and exercise and time management, but I know a full class load will certainly manage to rain on that parade a little. Ah well, hope for the best prepare for the worst? I suppose that really isn't hope at all but it seems fitting.

In Regards To My Blatancy.

I realize that last post was a little on the heavy side, sorry if I scared you, I can't help but be me and sometimes me is a lot. I think many people have a hard time figuring out what to do with me. Making friends hasn't come naturally to me in my adult life, which is really funny from where I am standing because myself as well as people who do know me know that I am nice to the core. Perhaps too nice sometimes. I love people, I love learning all about them (my inner Freud), I genuinely want to hear your story and process it and come back and help you pick apart things. This is of course why I am studying psychology, but it really is just what I LOVE. However, I suppose to a lot of people I probably look a little intimidating. I have a mohawk and face metal and quite a few tattoos. I am pretty into clothes and fashion so I am generally pretty well put together in my own eccentric way. I have also been told that I have a "bitch" face. 'Scuse my french but it is what it is. It is the face of "Don't talk to me", even though that is NEVER what I am thinking....well maybe sometimes but not often. I have had employers get frustrated with me because I don't look cheerful enough. Apparently my normal, taking it all in face, looks evil and scary.
I guess all of these things together leave people at a loss as to how to approach or communicate with me. I find this is especially true for people who are less "out there" than myself. You know, the blue jean, Old Navy T wearing, sports watching, Olive Garden dining kind of folks. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with any of those things, Olive Garden has the best salad ever, but that person is on the surface very different from what I am on the surface and it is those sorts of people who I assume feel the most at a loss when trying to converse with me. I feel like there is all sorts of awkward pauses and then I say something meant to be funny and they don't get it which just makes them think I am even weirder then they thought followed by more silence and then some comment about the weather. This sort of thing happens to me OFTEN. I cannot tell you how many people who become acquaintances or friends tell me later on how intimidated they were by my presence or how mean they expected me to be.
Couple ALL OF THAT with the fact that when you DO finally have a conversation with me I am transparent to a fault. I just don't have a good small talk gene I guess. I like roots. I like people stripped down to the bone so I can really see all the good and bad, and expose those things about myself as well. I feel like that is how you REALLY connect and REALLY grow both within yourself and in relationships. I don't have trust issues. Nothing about my life is a secret. Mostly. I mean, clearly there are some things, usually whatever may be a current issue, that I don't wanna verbally spew all over you because I am still figuring it out myself, but everything else IS WHAT IT IS. My truth is my testimony and as graphic and weird and frustrating and embarrassing as it may be, it is what God has used to make me who I am today and generally speaking I am pretty proud of that person.
So look, I need you to not be scared of me. I respect your trust issues and the fact that you don't want to tell me the most traumatic thing you have ever experienced during a meet and greet. I get that maybe you don't care about my story, and that is okay too, (we won't ever be really great friends and I think you should really consider what you DO care about in your relationships with people if it isn't roots), but I am not judging your disinterest. I just need you to know that I don't need to trust you to tell you all the awesome things God has shown me and done in my life because I trust God and the fact that regardless of whether or not I come off as too open or too raw or scary or whatever, he is totally gonna use all of that for SOMEONES redemption.
Myself, my metal, my tattoos and my mohawk are really very nice people. We like what we like and that may seem abnormal to you but it is to no ones benefit to assume anything about us based on a visual. I work really hard not to assume you and your artificial blonde hair and Old Navy T-shirt aren't boring and stuck up and sometimes it is really hard, so I get that the opposite is too. I am rambling now but my point is:

LESS OF THIS

MUCH MUCH MORE OF THIS

You are welcome for the most awesome visual possible by the way, I am pretty much a master graphic artist now. 

Before I go I have to share with you that my "Made From Carcass Soup" mentioned here, should actually be called "Throw In Leftovers of Any Variety and Enjoy" soup. I discovered that you can pretty much take any leftover meat or cooked veggie about to disintegrate in its Tupperware, throw it in the soup,heat it up and it becomes even more delicious than it was prior. Not only have I done this with cauliflower rice and Greek meatballs, but today I threw in leftover beef/bacon/fat awesomeness along with a baked sweet potato and it was RIDICULOUS how yummy it was. We were also blessed enough to get to pick some fresh oranges for free at a friends yesterday and they are SO good. I cannot understand why there are starving people anywhere when fruit trees produce more than any family could possibly harvest or eat. The hungry need to come to Lakeside CA with a garbage bag and collect oranges. I am for real, based on produce trees alone there is NO reason for people to not be eating. Anyhow, here is my soup in all its glory as well as the BEST WORSHIP SONG EVER. Happy Sunday! 

I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Old Habits Die Hard.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Some people say that and they mean that they have been overweight their entire life and never been able to control it. What I mean is that I have always perceived my weight to be an issue, even when it isn't. This way of thinking has led me to starving myself, binging and purging, reckless eating and over exercising. I don't like to say I have eating disorders, because I imagine "real anorexia" looks like a tiny, frail ballerina pushing peas around a plate. "Real bulimia" is the person who eats a whole pizza and a whole pack of Oreos and a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips and then throws up and eats more. "Real reckless eating" is the already morbidly obese person who hides candy bars in their underwear drawer and shovels pounds of fast food into their mouths every day. I was not the extreme of any of these things, but have certainly fit into the category of all of them on and off throughout my life. Family and friends never knew because my weight never fluctuated enough to become noticeable. I have never in my life been "noticeably thin". I have come out later in life and honestly shared some of the struggles with people who I thought might benefit from hearing my story, but I don't consider myself to be a "recovering" anything. Maybe that is naive of me. It probably is, but I am the master of minimization and like it that way. If I wasn't as good at minimizing as I am, I am certain the weight of the world would have crushed me by now.
*This is a total downer so far, sorry. Don't give up on me yet!
I say all of that because here I am, not far removed from any of it, trying really hard to get on the right track. The track that isn't any of the above but involves caring about my health far more than what a scale says. I want the road less taken; the one that curves away from self destruction and fad diets in the name of "skinny" and into the horizon of "whole, healthy, strong". This seems like a no brainer, you just gotta change your habits! Pick the right thing instead of the wrong thing! Eat the good stuff not the bad stuff! Right? Easy peasy. SO NOT easy peasy. See my problem lies not in initially picking the right things, but when I have to compromise, or have a moment of weakness I feel like such a failure I wanna dump the whole idea because it seems easier to go back to eating the pizza and heading to the bathroom. I know DAMN well that comes with its own guilt, which may actually be worse than eating a cookie when I've sworn off cookies. It all goes back to that extremist side of me that I seem to constantly have to reign in.
So here I am, this is my 2nd full day of eating since the juice ended and I am already worried about what eating is going to do to my weight. I lost just under 10lbs juicing, which was stellar and I definitely needed it. My body looks better (which is apparent in the before and after undies picture I took that I am totally never posting!), and I feel really good. However, coming off a fast means putting a few of those pounds back on, not even in a bad way just the nature of eating anything after not eating anything. Water, fat, muscle, whatever- it is just how it goes. I have been eating REALLY well especially compared to prior to the fast. I am avoiding processed food altogether, any wheat products as well as sugar. Most of what I have eaten has been fresh produce and protein. If this change had been made a month ago I would have been SO proud of myself. And, I am, sort of. The problem is that I just keep thinking about how if I  was only juicing I would still lose more weight. Basically I am reverting back to the same old unhealthy, scale based, eating disorder based way of thinking I have always functioned in. It would be SO easy for me to use "juicing" as a way to avoid food, cleverly disguised as a healthy cleanse. I am still thinking back to the scale. I am still more concerned about being skinny than being healthy and I don't know if that will ever really go away. I want it to, but I feel like no matter how much I know, (and I know A LOT, I am REALLY smart *wink*), this thought process will forever be my baseline.
I am the girl who appreciates EVERY body type on EVERYONE other than herself. I am the mom who encourages her children to think about health and NEVER about body types. I am the wife who recognizes that her husband of 10 years really finds her drop dead gorgeous, (even naked after 2 kids *miracle*).  I am the daughter who preaches against all of this to her mom when she gets stuck in the same rut. I am the friend who reminds you that who you are is beautiful and fat days don't actually mean you are fat. I am the stranger comparing myself to you inch by inch and ALWAYS finding something to appreciate about you.
This is the story of my life, and I am working SO hard at changing my story. We ate out today at lunch and I was hard pressed to find the "right" foods for my new eating plans. So I ate a salad with balsamic, chili, (small bowl), which is not Paleo because beans are evil. I also had a gluten free coconut muffin which is not Paleo because rice flour is evil. AND beets, which are high starch and meant to be avoided except for every now and then. I AM A COMPLETE LOSER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Is what I am saying to myself. Normally, at this restaurant I would have had a cream based soup (probably 2 bowls), a plate of 4+ different types of breads, a cream based high calorie dressing (because you're eating lettuce and that means you can use as much blue cheese as you want), and dessert. Clearly today I did really well. Yes, I had to bend a few rules, but at this point baby steps are a big deal, especially for such a huge lifestyle change. I KNOW that, and yet I still allow myself to feel like I have somehow failed.

This is RETARDED. I am too smart to be this DUMB. It is time to adopt POSITIVITY for, to and about me. It is time to put the scale in the motherfarking DUMPSTER. It is time to eat well and live well because I am worth it regardless of what size pants I wear. This is my new day and I may have had a million of them so far but I got a million more to go and I plan to take advantage of every single one of them.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am more valuable than rubies, made in the image of the Creator of the whole universe. I was made with purpose and destiny to do things far bigger than myself. Before I was born He knew me, every hair on my head. This life is not about how I look and one of the greatest tricks the devil has ever played is convincing me and everyone else that ANYTHING about ascetics matters to ANYONE. This world has it so backwards, and it has influenced so much of my own self worth. I will not do it anymore. I simply, will, not.
SO- Cheers to an amazing start to 2014, the ability to be honest with yourself, take care of the only body that you have the best way you know how, and share your story and struggles with others so that NO ONE is left feeling alone because THAT is what it is about. Everything used for the good.

Day Twelve.

There has been a breach.

So I was saying yesterday my blood sugar seems to be dipping low, which is super unnerving when it happens and I couldn't really pinpoint why it was happening other than maybe I wasn't drinking enough. Last night after I posted I had to take my son to an appointment. I had a big juice about 2 hours prior and by the time I got there I had to ask his Doc if she had anything to eat because the room was a little spinny. THANKFULLY she had some grapes, which was light years better than something processed, which I would have had to accept to avoid passing out. Point being I ate some grapes. When I got home about an hour later I also drank a bit of a Bolthouse brand premade protein shake, which isn't something I wanted but I needed a quick fix to make sure all was good before bed.

I don't understand what is going on. None of it makes sense because I am juicing a ton of greens, which provide protein, as well as fruits which provide sugar- but not too many fruits because I know I don't want too much sugar. I am also not exercising because after the Iron Mountain attempt it was clear that juicing and exercise was not in my personal cards. I am hydrated, drinking tons of water as well as tea and I am also well rested. Just don't make no kinda sense and it is highly frustrating being as how I am SO CLOSE to my goal!!! I feel like I have even avoided some of the Joe Cross recipes because they are super high in sugar. BAH. All that to say I am listening to my body and if I feel like I need to eat something I will. I had my juice this morning and within an hour and a half felt badly so I cooked up two eggs and some cherry tomatoes which seemed to level things out.

I don't think it is wise of me right now to go from this straight into the Master Cleanse though. I feel confident that for whatever reason my body is responding in a way that is not conducive to hopping on the only water, lemon and syrup train directly after this. I also spent some time talking to one of my most best friends in the whole world who just happens to be studying nutrition and she informed me that her opinion of the Master Cleanse is not good. I totally respect her understanding of health so I am gonna take it all in as wisdom and not do it. She also has some really thoughtful things to say about cleansing in general, particularly in correlation to faith. She mentioned that she felt like a lot of people, who don't know Jesus, spend a huge amount of time and energy on "removing toxins", (generally nameless ones), maybe partially because they recognize a sense of uncleanliness about themselves, but neglect to recognize that no amount of lemon water or coffee enema is going to reach or cleanse it. Jesus is the one who cleans house. Jesus takes the mistakes, pain, sadness, fear etc and makes you whole, not a diet. Don't get me wrong, I am still all for a healthy fast and I am SO glad I have done this for myself to start off the year, but like everything else, there has to be BALANCE.

At the end of the day our bodies are self healing. Can that be interrupted by not taking care of them? Of course!! If you have a cut on your hand and chose not to clean it well and then allow it to continue to get dirty would you expect anything other than infection? Probably not. That same cut, cleaned and taken care of will heal because that is what your body was made to do. Your insides are no different. Yes, I have years of unhealthy eating under my belt, but that is of little significance if I chose to change NOW. My healthy choices now will not only help prevent any further sickness or deterioration but also help reverse damage that has been done. Everyday is new my friends.

So, I am not beating myself up about eating prior to the end goal of my juicing, and I am also not saying there is anything wrong with juicing for as long as you feel well doing it. I am actually proud of myself for listening to my body and responding rather than pushing through it to stubbornly reach a goal or because maybe that two more days would have been two more pounds gone. I have spent my whole life looking at pounds instead of what is actually nourishing my body, so if feels good spend a moment, (and hopefully a LOT more moments), on the other side.

PS. Just because the juicing is ending doesn't mean my blog is! I hope you continue to follow me as I share recipes, frustrations and ideas about a healthier lifestyle!

Day Eleven.

Well at this point I am totally capable of throwing whatever is in my fridge in the juicer, squeezing half a lemon on it and drinking it without gagging. I decided last night to just make enough for my breakfast and lunch today cause I am SO tired of cleaning my juicer 3+ times a day. I was running low on produce so I grabbed whatever I had left and juiced it. Pretty sure it was something along the lines of red cabbage, cauliflower, celery, spinach, kale, cucumber a pear and a quarter of a pineapple. Red cabbage is really strong in flavor when you juice it, not something I would recommend to the faint of heart. I have tried to really keep my juices as low in sugar as possible, which is hard because the fruit and sugary veggies are what level out the green taste. Even veggies like carrots and beets are super high in sugar. Granted, the sugar you are getting from fruit and veggies is obviously better than processed, I am just a stickler about things. If I am gonna drink juice for 14 days to kick start my health, I am gonna drink the healthiest juice possible which in all actuality is whatever I can concoct with as little sugar as possible. I do have to also say though, I can pretty much stomach anything. If you put it in front of me and tell me its dinner most likely I will just choke it down and I know many people aren't able to do that. ALL THAT TO SAY, if you are juicing, really do try to not live on carrots and fruit as the base of your juices. For a great list of veggies and their benefits, click here.

I have found that my energy level is not as high as it was in the beginning. I definitely feel a little low in the blood sugar department if I don't drink 4 juices a day minimum, which is hard because I am just not hungry and they fill me right up. I think I took for granted how important it is to really have 4-6 glasses and it seems to be showing yesterday and today. For the rest of this ride I am certainly going to be more deliberate in my drinking instead of waiting to feel like I want something. The issue makes me a little nervous about the Master Cleanse. I tried explaining what my plan was to my Dad and he could not wrap his head around lemon water and syrup for 10 days. He told me to just go get a colonic and be done with it which is good advice, only you don't get the full cleanse in terms of toxins from throughout your ENTIRE body being removed. I am still gonna give it a go....much to my Dads dismay.

I think I am PMSing which is a crappy place to be on a juice fast. Pretty much been grouchy and wanting pizza and ice cream all day. Also having moments of "I cannot eat right forever, what am I doing, I should just throw it all out and get a Costco hotdog immediately." I think its the hormones but it sure is a far cry from my "YES WE CAN!" post yesterday.

 

Being a woman is dumb. The garlic seems to have worked as I have had no symptoms since yesterday when I finished the second round. I may never look at garlic bread the same again, but it was worth it. I'm gonna go mope now.

Day Ten.

I would like to start today's blog with a moment of silence in appreciation of the fact that school has resumed which means I have 6 whole hours to myself M-F until I go back to school.


......................................................

Amen.

So this morning I wanted to start off my selfie time right by not sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day and decided I would return to Iron Mountain and give it another go. I made my juice and blended it with a banana and some frozen fruit to make sure I had legit substance in my belly and off I went. It was really windy and the wind was blowing completely against me. It wasn't very long before I realized my body was not going to cooperate with the 6+ mile round trip hike I had hoped for. I can only assume it has something to do with not having had any good carbs in my diet thus causing a lack of energy. I am generally pretty capable of things like that but I knew better than to push myself this morning so I ended up going about a mile up then back and another mile down a little side trail. I would have kept going down the side trail except the further I walked and realized NO ONE was on the trail the more I began to think of episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" about rattlesnake bites or cougar mauling and news stories about women out for a jog being murdered and left to die in the dirt. So I turned around, better safe than sorry. I did take some lovely pictures though! I have this ridiculous love of what I will call "small miracles", like insects, plants, deep sea creatures and the like. Something about the complexity of such things never ceases to amaze me as well as serving to remind me of the unsurpassed creativity of our Creator.

  Now that I am over the hump and in the juice thing without much struggle I feel like my head is free to think about all sorts of things. Mostly right now about continuing on in this lifestyle change and getting my family involved and excited, but I also have this renewed positivism about life in general. I actually caught myself thinking in depth about the motivational poster quote "Be the change you want to see in the world!" Now if you know me, this is SO out of character. I am a realist to the core and I will be the first to tell you "following your dreams" is nice, but probably really impractical. I just have never had a "YES WE CAN!" Rosie the Riveter/Obama sort of outlook on life, until now. I think it has come with my determination to follow through with the juicing. I have followed through with other things, (not a lot mind you), but this has been a legitimate test of overcoming physical desire by retraining my mind and I am doing it. It makes me feel like I really can not only achieve my own goals but also have an affect on others. I feel inspirational and it is a really good feeling.

I have also stepped up to a whole new level of holism and granola.

WARNING: This information may be TMI for those of you who just aren't into natural medicine or talking about vagina problems. 

So about 4 days into my juicing I felt like I was on the cusp of a yeast infection, something I have dealt with on less occasions than I have fingers. Apparently this is not uncommon when juicing, considering the amount of sugar you are getting from fruit and the fact that yeast feeds on sugar. I didn't want to take anything, again because it seemed counterproductive to put junk in my body whilst trying so hard to get junk out. I figured I would give it a day or two and see where I was. Nothing got out of hand but I wasn't really getting better either so I went to a whole foods place and bought some natural yeast fighting pills. I figured this was a good start, but a large portion of treating that sort of problem is less through the mouth and more in the actual vagina. So I did what this blog has made strikingly apparent that I always do, I googled.
I googled and I found this: garlic. The first lady just straight stuck a peeled garlic clove inside herself and fished it out later, which did not sound like something I was interested in. The next person mentioned a mesh tea bag which I don't have. And then I found it....peel the garlic, cut the ends off and with a needle and thread, thread through the center of the garlic a few times and knot it off so what you have is like a garlic tampon. Then, do what you do with a tampon and go bout your bidness. It advised to start the procedure in the evening because magically you can taste the garlic IN YOUR MOUTH while its marinating and munching down on yeast in your vag.
So I totally did it. Left it in all night and put a new one in this morning. It is an odd concept but it is a WHOLE lot better than that nasty over the counter mess you would normally buy. It also seems to be working so I plan on keepin it up till it is totally better. I hope you all know how miraculous it is that I am even SHARING this information because NO ONE wants to talk about sad vaginas. The fact of the matter is that yeast lives in your body at all time, and certain foods, meds and other things can cause an overgrowth. In fact, we are all probably suffering from candida (yeast) overgrowth but have not experienced outward symptoms that we recognize as such. If you want to know more about the common symptoms of candida overgrowth and how to test yourself Dr.Oz will fill you in here.
If you have stuck it out till now, you are awesome. It is time for me to make some juice so I am gonna mosey off my soapbox and return to reality. God Bless YOUR day!!!

PS. I emailed the Pastor of the church, which was not the guy I met yesterday, and he emailed me back right away with his phone number asking if I would please call him. I did and he explained what seemed to have been lost in translation in the conversation I had with the guy there. He was really apologetic and quite lovely so I am gonna check it out next Sunday. 

Day Nine.

I have to just vent right now about something that has nothing to do with juice because I am SO agitated. We have lived in California for 2 years and I have yet to find a church I feel at home in, (that is a whole other blog), so today I was excited to try a new one about 10min from home. I checked out their website and the service times were 8am, 9am and 10:45am with the 8am service calling itself "express" for people looking to get the message and get out. So we head out for the 10:45am service and when I get there the parking lot is empty. I thought for a moment maybe they just weren't at that location anymore or they were doing a special service at a different location but when I got around to the main doors they were open. I peep my head in and there is a dude on the stage so I say, "....Hello....is there no service today??" The gentleman walks over and tells me they only did the 8am and 9am services because the Chargers are playing. Okay- I don't understand any of that because I cannot wrap my head around peoples obsession with professional sports but I can pretend to sort of see if you have a super footbally church why you would do that. So then he says, "Are you on our Facebook group?" I don't have Facebook and it is my first time there. I did check the WEBSITE which is where ANYONE who hasn't been there would go to check service times and NOTHING was mentioned. He lets me know that if the Chargers win today next week will be the same thing. Now, I am fairly sure this guy was the lead pastor based on the pic I saw on the site. He did not introduce himself to me, he did not ask my name, he did not apologize for the confusion, he just told me to download the podcast. Really? Seriously? The whole thing was such a turn off and SO frustrating I won't even go back.
I try really hard to not be judgy about church experiences. The problem I have is that I have been a part of a REALLY fantastic church. 2 of them. Both who made church feel like home as well as reaching out to the community. I have yet to find a church here with both of those features, which to me are what makes a church. Everything is either mega church, which does AMAZING things in the community but is very difficult to connect in, or a small community church that caters to the people that are already there, IE: "Sorry we aren't having service because we all watch football". My church searching has made me SO exhausted and turned off from church in general which is really disheartening and sad because I know the importance of community. Sigh. I'm done now. Lets talk about juice.
So I think I am at a point where food isn't an issue. I didn't feel like I was struggling during Chic-fil-A yesterday at lunch or the tri-tip last night. I don't care to snack in the evening while watching TV and I can't think of anything that I just really wish I could eat. I know I really should be drinking more water, something that has always been REALLY difficult for me. I don't get thirsty and many times have to force myself to drink anything at all. That to say I am really trying today to constantly have water in hand. Which leads me to my next thought....the Master Cleanse.
Okay. So after my little bit of research about poop yesterday and the fact that I just haven't pooped the way I would like to so far during this fast I did some more in depth research concerning the Master Cleanse. I think my mom did this back in the 90s when it first got popular and I had a friend who swore by it as an annual habit, as well as hearing bits and pieces about it from TV, internet and whatever. I never did my own research though. SO based on what I have learned thus far, I am thinking I may transition from my juice fast to a 10 day Master Cleanse. It seems tried and true in the legit cleansing of your GI tract and I will already be ahead of the game having not eaten solid food for 14 days. I am a little apprehensive after the sips of salt water I had yesterday as well as just thinking about 10 days of nothing but lemon, syrup and cayenne water. I am going to do some more digging but at this point the opportunity to flush out years worth of waste in 10 days is pretty appealing.You can find out more about it here.

*Note- If you decide to do your own digging about this cleanse you will find a ton of information on how terrible it is for you on places like WebMD and the like. If this sort of information scares you, I strongly urge you to research what health looks like from a holistic standpoint vs. what Dr's tell us and then make your decision. Watching Food Matters would be a great place to start!*

I will end this wordy entry with a thought I had this morning on my way to the non church service. I was thinking about all the different recipes I have been looking at over the past few days in preparation for eating again. Specifically I was thinking about the raw carrot cake balls I was so excited about last night. I had this moment where the idea that life shouldn't revolve around food seemed so clear in my mind. I have held this little nugget of truth in the wayback of my brain for many many years but I don't think it has ever seemed to make so much sense. We spend so much time thinking about, planning for and preparing what we eat. Social life generally revolves around meals, we love ourselves and each other by using food as a reward as well as punishing ourselves by eating when we aren't feeling our best. What would life look like if food was only used as nourishment and fuel for actually LIVING. And what would LIVING look like?? What would we do if we spent time with friends and family not around a kitchen table? How would our time be spent if life did not revolve around when and what we would eat next?? I do not have these answers but I think they are valuable questions. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting healthy food that tastes really good nor is there anything wrong with enjoying the culture of sharing meals and breaking bread- something that can be traced all the way to the Bible. I am just proposing that what that looked like with Jesus is really far removed from what we do today and perhaps our practices could use reevaluation.

PS. My mom and sister are on their 5th day of juicing and I could NOT be prouder!!!!!

HALFWAY!!!! (AKA Day Seven)

                                                                                                         

 

HALFWAY!!! HALFWAY!!! Woke up this morning feeling well rested and ready to go, pretty excited to be halfway there and 7 days closer to EATING! I did some research last night and decided I want to try less fruit in my drinks for the second half. I don't feel like I am breaking the 80/20, (80%veg 20%fruit per drink) rule but I think at this point I can handle a little more of mowed lawn flavor than in the beginning.This morning I had a huge portion of greens with only one apple and half a lemon squeezed in and it was less than desirable but drinkable. I am also going to try and buy different produce than I did for the first half. I have enough to last me a day or two more but when I hit the market I want to get a new spread of color and flavor. 

I have also been rooting around on different sites trying to find vegan and whole food recipes for once I am eating again. There are a ton of what seem to be really great ones out there and I am really excited to try them. I haven't wanted to or enjoyed cooking for about 2 years now so to feel excited about meal preparation feels really good. I am hoping to slowly but surely incorporate the good stuff into my families diet so that they are eventually eating whole foods more often than not. I am trying not to have unrealistic expectations considering the reality of life and the fact that my husband is at this point, a lost cause. (He actually bought SPAM because he wanted it). I do think it is totally possible to make enough little changes that the result will be big. Baby steps is where it's at. If you would like to check out the Paleo/vegan style meals I am looking forward to making check out my Pinterest board!

In light of reaching my halfway point I decided to watch Food Matters as a motivation boost for the remainder of this reboot. SO terrifying to come to terms with the facts about modern medicine and malnutrition. We are so blinded by the people we trust, (DRs) that we honestly cannot imagine that organic and raw foods could literally cure disease. Diseases like CANCER, which is currently treated with cancer causing drugs. If you have not watched this I highly recommend it. I am stoked for my dinner tonight and even more stoked about changing the lives of myself and my family for the long term. WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE CANCER, HEART DISEASE or CARDIOVASCULAR ILLNESSES. This planet was MEANT and CREATED to sustain us, it is our own chemical modification and creation of foods that is killing is. Ignorance is bliss but it is also killing us.

Day Six

Went to bad last night with a seriously annoying headache as well as a little bit of a loopy feeling. I was really not in a good mood the latter part of yesterday afternoon and I was hoping for a good nights sleep and a burst of new energy in the AM. I didn't get either. The good nights sleep was a stretch because I was on a couch so I should have accepted that wasn't going to happen before I thought about it, but I woke up and STILL had a headache which was disheartening. I am really trying to avoid taking something for it because I would prefer to let it work itself out. Seems sort of counterproductive to not eat food but wash down unnecessary pharmaceuticals. Also, I am pretty sure it is a sinus issue and those meds not only have pain killers but also caffeine so I am toughing it out. We headed home after breakfast and the drive did not help the headache. 2 hours in the car, sun directly ahead and an ascent to 5000ft above sea level only to come right back down just added to my misery.
I'm whining. Lets move forward.
I did decide today I need to switch up my juice atleast for a moment to feel like I was taking in something new and different. I decided to just start concoting and the end product looks really bad but tastes like a smoothie! I shall call it The Green Banana, and it makes enough for 2 servings!

The Green Banana

3 leaves Swiss chard                                            
3 leaves kale
1 lg orange
1 lg carrot
1 celery stalk

Juice above ingredients and immediately blend with 2 bananas and pour second serving in airtight jar to be refrigerated. Once you have a serving size left add ice and blend again. Pour and enjoy!

Other than that today has been uneventful. Nothing productive or life changing, no cool pictures for the blog, just a lot of bumming around trying to not feel like I just want to sleep thru the next 3 days. I keep waiting to just not want to eat but at this point I am convinced that eating is so innate in us that the desire on whatever level will never just cease, and if it does something major is going on. Forget all the cultural, social, whatever- aspects we have created about and around food, chewing is in our DNA. We are meant to eat and going so completely against such a natural instinct is rough, even though it is temporary and totally what my body needs right now. I don't want a cheeseburger or supreme pizza, I just want a spoon and an avocado or cherry tomatoes drizzled with balsamic.
I will say I am pretty stoked with myself for not caving over New Years mini vacation. I really can't believe I pushed through, so much so I feel like I ate something and just don't remember. Tomorrow is my halfway point and I am really praying for a smooth ride to the end.

PS. My mom started juicing yesterday and is so far doing well! I am so proud of her!!!

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.

Day Two.

Went to bed last night feeling less than fantastic. I was a little foggy with a minor headache, all due to detox I am sure. That lemon water was AWESOME though. I really did not like the juice I made for dinner last night- I gagged numerous times and won't ever make it again.

Woke up feeling great, so great in fact I decided my family and I needed to go on a hike! If you know my family you would understand how good I must have felt because we have never hiked anywhere ever, none of us. I even, (after much canoodling) convinced my husband to go which makes the whole thing even more bonkers. I had my juice and made sure the kids were fed and off we went. We live about 10min south of a trail called Iron Mountain.

We had no idea what kind of hike it was, just that it was close and the parking lot was always full. Turns out its like a 6.5mile hike round trip and uphill the whole way....thus MOUNTAIN. The kids made it a mile and we headed back, but it was fun and the fact that the husband was there made it all the better.

When we got home I got involved in vacuuming out cars and didn't realize how long it had been since I had something to "eat" until I was a little dizzy. I found a recipe for lunch that I liked a lot. It's called Tornado Juice and you can find it here.

Unfortunately I had to go grocery shopping today, which was less than desirable. I stopped and got a V8 Spicy juice to try and curb the overwhelming desire to shove pretty much anything with salt on it in my mouth. I really love the hot V8's and decided that I would keep some on hand for moments when I wanted a really savory juice. It's sort of like a meal in a bottle which makes me feel like im eating even though I'm not. I know it isn't all natural but I am okay with that. I could probably find a juice recipe that would create something similar but in my mind it just wouldn't be the same. So I'm gonna drink my spicy V8 without guilt and grocery shopping sucked.

Dinner time also sucked again today. My family had the leftover tri-tip on nachos with creamy Velveeta cheese, re-fried beans, homemade guacamole and pico. I drank sweet potato and beets. It was more than that, but I am trying to feel sorry for myself. It was no homemade guacamole okay!! I don't think I was even hungry as much as I just wanted to chew and taste food. I really wanted to chew. I still do, right this moment. I should stop talking about it and make myself some tea.

Day One.

I was so stoked after the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" viewing I decided I simply couldn't wait to start my juice fast. My family and I woke up early this morning and after a cup of orange carrot juice, headed to the farmers market to grab some locally grown produce. I did some research, mostly here, and had figured based on 5 or 6 different juices how much of everything I would need....which was a TON. I'm talking like 28 apples, 30 carrots, 24 stalks of celery, etc and this was only for a week of juicing 4-5 times a day. I got about half of what I needed at the market, mostly because it was PACKED and it was hard to move, much less shop.

I was super okay with not sampling all the AMAZING foods at the market, which I think is really only because I would have had to climb through people to lay claim to 1/4 of a cracker with hummus and even if I could have eaten them I'm not sure I had the patience. After the market we headed to a swap meet to get some more cheap produce and do a bit of treasure hunting. I got an entire BOX of cucumbers for $2 as well as a huge bag of oranges for $3. Also, vintage clip on earrings I plan on using as pieces on my plugs, so treasure hunting was a success also! Lunch was Jamba juice, not what I would have preffered, but we were out and I got a fruit/veggie smoothie with no dairy or soy so it was okay. I drank it at the table with my family while they chowed down on Chinese food and really didn't feel like I was missing out. When I got home I cut up/peeled a ton of the produce so it would be less work making my juice the next few times. My fridge is PACKED and there are 2 boxes on my kitchen floor, one full of apples and citrus fruit and another cucumbers and sweet potatoes.

I felt really good until my husband started chopping up mushrooms and peppers to saute for the tri-tip he was grilling, which just happens to be my favorite cut of meat. I made myself a kale/swiss chard/orange and beet greens concoction that pretty much tastes like a freshly mowed lawn. It's gross and my house smells like perfectly cooked dead animal which no matter how disgusting I try and make it sound it doesn't work. I opted out of sitting at the table with my family, which may make me a terrible mother, but a less sad and grouchy one so I have to choose my battles. Anyhow, day one is coming to a close and I am trying to choke down my liquid grass while reminding myself I can have hot water and lemon afterwards. Who looks forward to hot water and lemon????

PS. Found the most amazing cauliflower at the market! It's like eating art!!

PSS. Also found this guy...

I'm ready, I'm not ready, I'm ready....I think.

For the past two years I have done a New Years juice cleanse. The first year I lasted 7 days, the following year only 3. The first go round was amazing, like hitting a reset button on my body. I lost 10lbs and kept it off for over a year. The beginning of this year, my motivation was low and I am pretty sure I cheated even for the measly 3 days I attempted to fast. Needless to say it didn't have an affect on my overall health or weight. It is December 28, 2013 and after a long and tiring fall semester full of convenience food, as well as giving up all things sugar free and replacing them with real sugar and little to no gym time, my body is not functioning or looking its best. I am super low energy, craving all the wrong things, my mental state has not been at its finest even with my meds and I have gained about 6lbs since September. I knew coming up on the holidays that something needed to be done and I halfheartedly began trying to cut back on carbs and sugar while trudging to the gym once a week if I could find the motivation. As you may have guessed, my weak attempt has had no affect. I knew come Jan 1st I would do the juice thing but I was really struggling mentally with even that. Even 3 days of juice sounded like hell on earth, especially with my garbage disposal husband eating everything in site with no regard for its nutritional value and my growing kids who I knew I would have to prepare food for. I needed motivation, and it came in the form of Netflix. If you are a parent you know how hard it is to find something interesting AND kid friendly to watch pre-bedtime, but while scrolling through Netflix documentaries I came upon "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead". I watched in absolute astonishment at the willpower and dedication of Joe Cross as he did a 60 day juice fast, all the while sitting in restaurants with people eating all things fried and delicious while talking about health. Not only did he accomplish his goal, he continued on in this drastic and predominantly raw vegan lifestyle and has since helped tons of other people. His enormous weight loss, close to 100lbs I believe, wasn't even the most amazing part. He has an autoimmune disease which causes chronic hives amongst other things, and from day one of his lifestyle change he has not had a breakout. His diet HEALED his body. This was exactly what I needed. I turned off the TV ready to go....maybe not for 60days, but as long as I could mentally and financially. This little blog is for accountability, to myself and whomever else crosses it. I have taken a before photo of myself in my skivvies, but I am totally not ready to share it. My goal is a minimum of 14 days juicing, leading into a genuine lifestyle change even as I incorporate chewing back into my life. Here we go!