Mustard Seed Faith.

Went to my psychiatrist. Last time I was there she upped me to a higher dose, (which I never started taking) and I showed up this time telling her I was coming off. I wish I had been able to capture the look on her face when I said it, it was pretty priceless. It was a lot like this:

Only she didn't have a mic and shes Russian and a she. After her moment of bewilderment she flipped through my file reminding me of the multiple emotional disorders I have as well as the 80% fail rate particularly based on my "genetic machinery". Then she told me she had to tell me all that but the choice was mine. So I asked what the next step was. She wrote me a prescription for the lowest dose and told me to take one and a half for the first week, then just one, followed by just half and then none at which point I am to report back to her. She said the fact that I hadn't had any withdrawal symptoms having cut back on my own was a good sign. So I am officially in it guys. I stepped off the sand, into the water and I am wading out.
What is really awesome is that since I started juicing which is almost a month ago now, I have not had to take a Xanax. I have had two instances when I felt super anxious and had to get inside my head and calm myself down, but did so totally without the help of medicine. This is HUGE for me, because typically I would struggle with anxiety throughout every day. I may not need to take narcotics for it but I am generally constantly staving off a panic attack. The whole issue is just a daily struggle even being on meds so the fact that I have felt as good as I have is almost alarming. It makes me nervous, like this is some calm before the storm, which is dumb considering I really do believe God is taking care of it. I guess I am only human and doubt is to be expected, even when there has yet to be a good reason for it.
Doubt is so funny in terms of faith, though. I was watching this televangelist that I actually really like named Jesse Duplantis. He's an older, straight outta Louisiana, full of faith and funny as can be sort of preacher. I had him on the TV mostly as background noise while I was doing something on the computer so I wasn't listening intently but I heard him say "Faith is so powerful that God had to put a dimension on it..." He was talking about a mustard seed. God had to literally size faith down to a tiny little seed in order for us wrap our silly little heads around its power. If faith as small as a mustard seed can literally move mountains imagine what faith the size of a peach pit might do.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

I have a ton of other things to write about tonight but my family has started a movie so I have to run. Till next time friends.

I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Day Three.

Woke up feeling really well this morning. I really enjoyed my breakfast juice and I seemed to have an unexpectedly high energy level. Not just, "Yay I'm awake!", but like, "Slow down on the coffee there speedy!". I felt super alert all morning and into the afternoon. I got a bit grouchy around 2pm, but I think that had less to do with food and more to do with my kids barking at each other about nonsense all day.

1 Large Orange, 2 Carrots, 1 Beet, Handful of Kale

I also started looking at and reading some inspiring blogs and Instagrams. There are some really amazing stories out there, amazing people that certainly allow for inspiration. I am trying really hard to not have a negative attitude about this whole thing...I tend to be a bit of a realist, or pessimist if you ask my husband, so a part of me struggles with the idea that it's all just a fad thing and come the end of the goal I will hop right back on the processed fast food cake and ice cream train and be no better off than I was. I know how hard it is to make a legitimate lifestyle change and aside from my own drive, (which is less than satisfactory sometimes) and the grace of God, all the odds are really against me. My husband has terrible eating habits. I joke about him being a garbage disposal but it is quite true. He eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it on top of smoking a pack a day and guzzling coffee and energy drinks the way he should guzzle water and he could care less about how it is all effecting his health. Short of a miracle I will never get him on board with a healthy lifestyle change, which does complicate matters for me and my kids. All that to say I can get in a rut about the uphill battle concerning my family as a whole and give up on myself. I know it is possible, people all over the world are changing their lives and their health and it isn't about a gimmick it's about LIVING. If they can do it, whoever they are, I can too.
Also, I have been on medication for mental illness for about 14 years and a part of me is really hoping that this is my chance to be well. Clear in body and MIND. I have tried being med free a handful of times, but never in conjunction with clean eating. I am skeptical and terrified at the outcome of trying to come off and not being able to again, but a little part of me hopes that it is possible. I suppose I will see where I am mentally at the 14 day mark and go from there. As for now I am off to cook dinner and drank some more veggies.