I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Spendin Money, Cookin Treats, Being Awesome.

Well I went grocery shopping. We now have lots of healthy food items but not so much money. I went pretty far over my budget, (which is already RIDICULOUS living in the state of California). I would prefer not to discuss how much money I actually spent, but I will say that my budget for 2 weeks of groceries is $250. This is usually what I spend give or take a little, and that is shopping sales and ads. If you are really curious about the cost of this grocery trip take into account the fact that the $250 has previously been spent on Walmart brand everything. I am sure if you have ever walked in a whole foods store you can approximate close to how far over budget I went, especially because I had to replace staple stuff. I had to buy almond flour, coconut flour, spices, coconut oil, coconut aminos (a product of which I had no idea what it was till I miraculously found it among the oils), bulk raw almonds and other nuts ect ect. Look I even have ghee, (another product of which I had little to no understanding as to what it was or why I needed it)! I am pretty much totally alternative now. On the fringe.

Not only did I go over budget, it also took me about 5 hours to get it all done. I went to four different stores to get all the things I needed. Trader Joes was first, then Sprouts Farmers Market (they had what Joes didn't plus cheaper produce), followed by Costco to get some meat (and a $12 bag of pork jerky that is the most delicious dehydrated treat I have EVER had), and finally Target which was really for bathroom crap but I grabbed some odds and ends. I literally shopped the entire time my kids were in school. It was awful and I am really hoping now that I have a feel for who has what and where it is located next time won't feel so much like a marathon. Anyways, I got it done like a boss. A money spending boss. I didn't cook yesterday because I was tired of looking at food, but today I made two new things!
First I undertook the Raw Carrot Cake Balls. Carrot Cake is my second favorite dessert of all time and the idea of a health AND raw version was super exciting. I have never been a baker/dessert maker type but the recipe was easy and because they were raw I didn't have to turn on my oven in these disgusting and unnatural California winter temperatures, (85 today. It's January.). They called for Medjool dates, which I had purchased and tried in process of making the carrot balls. OMG its like eating nature candy. Seriously, they are pecan pie without pie or pecans. I could have eaten the whole tub of them, but I didn't. If I had I may have gone into a sugar coma because they are like 27grams per 2!!! I only have a mini food processor which made it not as easy because I couldn't just dump everything in, I had to do a little at a time and then hand mix. I know, rough life. They turned out really yummy. The kids were asking for them after dinner and preferred them over ginger cookies we have left from Christmas!

You can find the recipe here. Next time I would cut the almonds in half, add more dates and cinnamon, but that is my taste. It was super duper easy and a great little grab and go snack.
I also ventured into the world of made from scratch soup. My mom recently made some chicken soup and said it was the most delicious thing she has ever concocted so I figured I better follow suit. I got a rotisserie chicken from Costco, (I know I know not organic but freaking delicious and cheap as crap), took the meat off and boiled the carcass (SUCH a better word than bones) for awhile. After it had been simmering for over an hour I let it sit, mostly because I had to take my tiny child for a root canal and crown because her teeth are made of dust and we can't make them stop disintegration to save our lives, or our bank accounts. I digress. So when I got home I cut up carrots, onions, celery and kale and after straining the broth dumped it back in with all the chicken meat. I let that cook for about 30min, added some salt, pepper, poultry and Italian seasoning and bowled up. It was pretty good. I am not a huge soup person, but in the way of chicken soups that are broth based it was the best I have had. I prefer creamy soups with lots of fat and dairy but this will be great to have in the fridge and there was enough to freeze some as well.

That is all I got in the way of food ideas today, more tomorrow I am sure. I am also having some issues with figuring out exactly what my body needs to exercise without feeling like I might die afterwards. I seem to be fine during my workout (I am mostly all cardio right now), but when I finish it is like both my blood sugar and blood pressure plummet. I am weak, shaky and a little disoriented. Today I had to chug a gas station orange juice before I even got home. I didn't eat a ton today, and I know if I am gonna completely cut out carbs I need to be eating fattier meats. It seems like produce and lean protein just aren't going to cut it on the days I want to run. I imagine it will be a bit of a process and maybe I need to do a pre-workout snack or post-workout shake. It is really sort of a downer though because I would really love to just eat what I eat, exercise and be fine. I have a Drs appointment in the morning for other stuff but I am gonna mention it to him and see what he says. He'll probably tell me I'm stupid for not eating according to food pyramid, but maybe I will concern him enough to do some blood work so I can at least be sure I am not deficient in anything.
I will end today's entry with a picture of my kids lunches for tomorrow. Preparation is key when trying to eat well and I have already learned if i don't wanna send the rugrats off with Nutella sandwiches and cheese puffs I gotta do the whole lunch thing the night before.They just got to try almond butter and loved it, I like to wrap the frogs on logs (celery) in foil so it doesn't roll all around and mess itself up in their Bento boxes.

Yeah I know, rice cakes. Get off me they aren't wheat and my kids really like them. Baby steps people. As you can see, I really am, as above mentioned, a totally alternative mom. Granola even. In the outskirts, the fringes. Fightin the good fight. I'm a loner Dotty, a rebel.

The Sinful Delight of Snack Sized Trail Mix.

For the past two days I have succeed in the Paleo plan as well as humanly possible having not actually gone grocery shopping yet. Pay day is tomorrow and I am SO ready to get things that I can eat! Don't get me wrong, I have had some amazing food but it has all been some random egg or modge podge stir fry based on what I had left in the fridge from juicing, which by the way cost close to $200 for 12 days just for me. YIKES. That to say, I have used every last veggie and fruit scrap available to get me through till I can shop.
I have been sort of grumpy the past two days, which I think is partially due to wanting something other than egg scramble and stir fry surprise. This way of eating doesn't really cater to snacks unless of course you have pre-made raw energy bars or veggie chips. I have not had anything to snack on and have sat stoically, (teeth clenched, eye twitching), as my family munched everything from popcorn to truffle bread and pizza to french fries. I think this situation would make anyone a little grouchy. I didn't even have some raw almonds to sooth the need for chewing. I finally grabbed a snack sized bag of trail mix, (not the M&M kind but there were dark chocolate chips), and I felt like I was indulging in some sinful desire. A PALM SIZED SERVING OF GENERIC TRAIL MIX.
The other part of the grouchy is the fact that I have a minor (coughcough) shopping habit (addiction) and due to some budget decisions we have made I have had to trade my overwhelming desire to spend 2 hours at the Goodwill with reading a book or something. It has been really difficult. I am not sure what that says about me, other than that I need a hobby. I am not some huge spender and I don't get a high from just buying whatever. What I DO get a high from is treasure hunting. I am a treasure hunter. Look I have proof:

This basically means I can walk into a thrift store and within an hour walk out with anything awesome and or vintage that they have. Now because I am a treasure hunter I am also a collector. I love all things old and kitschy. I collect salt and pepper shakers, vintage owls (ACTUAL vintage owls not the ones from Target, and I have been doing it for like 10 years so take that trendsters), awesome mustache memorabilia, afghans, old clocks, embroidery art, Babushka dolls, vintage books and so on and so forth. This is not counting the fact that I collect old Avon bottles on behalf of my daughter, (a collection she grows to appreciate more and more each day), as well as my husbands problem with tools and Cadillac matchbox cars and my sons issue with old photos and Coke memorabilia. SO, as you can see a thrift store is a really great place for me and I haven't been there in weeks and it's making me grouchy.
Back to health and eating and stuff though, I have been going to the gym which is both good and bad. Good because it makes my heart happy, bad because I hate exercise. I have started running again which is also good and bad. Good because YAY and bad because I am starting all over. I cannot believe I was running a 10k 2 years ago, 11min mile the whole way, no issues and now I am gasping through a 12min mile and walking after that. BUT I am there, I am doing it, it's good for me, hoorah.
Working on not weighing myself or thinking to much about that other than I am eating better than I have EVER. I even figured out that a cup of coffee with a little almond milk and spoonful of raw sugar isn't as bad as I thought. Again, it's probably the same as the sinful trail mix phenomenon in that any minor amount of richness feels like German chocolate cake. Unacceptable, really. I am making raw carrot cake balls, apple nachos and a handful of other delights promptly after grocery shopping. I will let you know how that goes....I am nervous about the financial aspect of whole shopping as well as how many places I will have to go to acquire what I need. Stay tuned for that as well as recipes! I will be cooking a ton of new things this week and if they are delicious I will make sure you know how to make them!

Old Habits Die Hard.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Some people say that and they mean that they have been overweight their entire life and never been able to control it. What I mean is that I have always perceived my weight to be an issue, even when it isn't. This way of thinking has led me to starving myself, binging and purging, reckless eating and over exercising. I don't like to say I have eating disorders, because I imagine "real anorexia" looks like a tiny, frail ballerina pushing peas around a plate. "Real bulimia" is the person who eats a whole pizza and a whole pack of Oreos and a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips and then throws up and eats more. "Real reckless eating" is the already morbidly obese person who hides candy bars in their underwear drawer and shovels pounds of fast food into their mouths every day. I was not the extreme of any of these things, but have certainly fit into the category of all of them on and off throughout my life. Family and friends never knew because my weight never fluctuated enough to become noticeable. I have never in my life been "noticeably thin". I have come out later in life and honestly shared some of the struggles with people who I thought might benefit from hearing my story, but I don't consider myself to be a "recovering" anything. Maybe that is naive of me. It probably is, but I am the master of minimization and like it that way. If I wasn't as good at minimizing as I am, I am certain the weight of the world would have crushed me by now.
*This is a total downer so far, sorry. Don't give up on me yet!
I say all of that because here I am, not far removed from any of it, trying really hard to get on the right track. The track that isn't any of the above but involves caring about my health far more than what a scale says. I want the road less taken; the one that curves away from self destruction and fad diets in the name of "skinny" and into the horizon of "whole, healthy, strong". This seems like a no brainer, you just gotta change your habits! Pick the right thing instead of the wrong thing! Eat the good stuff not the bad stuff! Right? Easy peasy. SO NOT easy peasy. See my problem lies not in initially picking the right things, but when I have to compromise, or have a moment of weakness I feel like such a failure I wanna dump the whole idea because it seems easier to go back to eating the pizza and heading to the bathroom. I know DAMN well that comes with its own guilt, which may actually be worse than eating a cookie when I've sworn off cookies. It all goes back to that extremist side of me that I seem to constantly have to reign in.
So here I am, this is my 2nd full day of eating since the juice ended and I am already worried about what eating is going to do to my weight. I lost just under 10lbs juicing, which was stellar and I definitely needed it. My body looks better (which is apparent in the before and after undies picture I took that I am totally never posting!), and I feel really good. However, coming off a fast means putting a few of those pounds back on, not even in a bad way just the nature of eating anything after not eating anything. Water, fat, muscle, whatever- it is just how it goes. I have been eating REALLY well especially compared to prior to the fast. I am avoiding processed food altogether, any wheat products as well as sugar. Most of what I have eaten has been fresh produce and protein. If this change had been made a month ago I would have been SO proud of myself. And, I am, sort of. The problem is that I just keep thinking about how if I  was only juicing I would still lose more weight. Basically I am reverting back to the same old unhealthy, scale based, eating disorder based way of thinking I have always functioned in. It would be SO easy for me to use "juicing" as a way to avoid food, cleverly disguised as a healthy cleanse. I am still thinking back to the scale. I am still more concerned about being skinny than being healthy and I don't know if that will ever really go away. I want it to, but I feel like no matter how much I know, (and I know A LOT, I am REALLY smart *wink*), this thought process will forever be my baseline.
I am the girl who appreciates EVERY body type on EVERYONE other than herself. I am the mom who encourages her children to think about health and NEVER about body types. I am the wife who recognizes that her husband of 10 years really finds her drop dead gorgeous, (even naked after 2 kids *miracle*).  I am the daughter who preaches against all of this to her mom when she gets stuck in the same rut. I am the friend who reminds you that who you are is beautiful and fat days don't actually mean you are fat. I am the stranger comparing myself to you inch by inch and ALWAYS finding something to appreciate about you.
This is the story of my life, and I am working SO hard at changing my story. We ate out today at lunch and I was hard pressed to find the "right" foods for my new eating plans. So I ate a salad with balsamic, chili, (small bowl), which is not Paleo because beans are evil. I also had a gluten free coconut muffin which is not Paleo because rice flour is evil. AND beets, which are high starch and meant to be avoided except for every now and then. I AM A COMPLETE LOSER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Is what I am saying to myself. Normally, at this restaurant I would have had a cream based soup (probably 2 bowls), a plate of 4+ different types of breads, a cream based high calorie dressing (because you're eating lettuce and that means you can use as much blue cheese as you want), and dessert. Clearly today I did really well. Yes, I had to bend a few rules, but at this point baby steps are a big deal, especially for such a huge lifestyle change. I KNOW that, and yet I still allow myself to feel like I have somehow failed.

This is RETARDED. I am too smart to be this DUMB. It is time to adopt POSITIVITY for, to and about me. It is time to put the scale in the motherfarking DUMPSTER. It is time to eat well and live well because I am worth it regardless of what size pants I wear. This is my new day and I may have had a million of them so far but I got a million more to go and I plan to take advantage of every single one of them.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am more valuable than rubies, made in the image of the Creator of the whole universe. I was made with purpose and destiny to do things far bigger than myself. Before I was born He knew me, every hair on my head. This life is not about how I look and one of the greatest tricks the devil has ever played is convincing me and everyone else that ANYTHING about ascetics matters to ANYONE. This world has it so backwards, and it has influenced so much of my own self worth. I will not do it anymore. I simply, will, not.
SO- Cheers to an amazing start to 2014, the ability to be honest with yourself, take care of the only body that you have the best way you know how, and share your story and struggles with others so that NO ONE is left feeling alone because THAT is what it is about. Everything used for the good.

Nina Simone, Avocado Angels and Blue Haired Zumba.

 So eating is AWESOME. Especially because after my juicing fruits and veggies are more delicious than ever. I have no desire to have anything that I know is icky for me. EXCEPT Starbucks, which I partook in today. However, you have to realize that before the juicing I literally had a Venti of whatever mocha latte syrup dolce whip sugar probably twice a week if not more, on top of whatever coffee I had at home with chemical creamer. I know I know I know- everything about that is terrible for both my health and my bank account. I don't even drink caffeine so everything I have is decaf which seems idiotic to those of you who need the caffeine but I just really enjoy the taste of creamer with a bit of coffee. So today I googled (SURPRISE!), the most Paleo version of Starbucks I could get which was nothing I wanted but I did learn that the mocha flavoring they use is the only flavor that is not in syrup form but comes from a cocoa packet which has way less additives. I also read whole milk or heavy whip cream was the way to go if I had to have it. I got a tall (which is SO tiny I used to believe only children and Santas elves would want it), and it was really good. Before I would have needed like 4 sugar packets but today it was perfectly sweet enough and the tall was a perfect serving. I really enjoyed it until about 30min afterwards when I thought my guts were gonna explode. Pretty sure it was the caffeine/milk combo disagreeing with me. I didn't get decaf because apparently the decaffeinating process involves icky chemicals. Learning this was super sad because my anxiety issues do not mix well with caffeine so I won't be having nearly as much coffee.
Other than that I have been eating all produce, some cooked some not and eggs. I ate chicken, (a very small portion), tonight and my tummy seems to be okay with it. I will say though, cooking it wasn't super appetizing and it took a few bites for me to appreciate it. Not the case with the veggies! I have never enjoyed lightly cooked veggies with a little salt and pepper so much in my life. And OH avocado! Lord have mercy those things are straight from the heavens.

So I decided that Paleo is gonna be the way I go. I cannot get down with the no meat thing. I get it if you have animal cruelty issues, but there is so much info on the benefits of eating meat, provided it is grass fed and what not. (NOTE: I am totally against animal cruelty, however I don't think raising farm animals in a HEALTHY environment in order to eat them is cruel. I don't think chickens have feelings and a family that will miss them when they are gone.) I am much more worried about the grain/gluten thing than meat. I have been researching like a fiend trying to find recipes that are kid friendly. My daughter will be an easier sell than my son. She is super carnivorous and LOVES raw veggies. My son pretty much likes pizza and cheeseburgers. I have always been good about "You eat it or you are hungry", particularly at dinner time because I swore I would never be the mom that made Kraft dinner because her kids wouldn't eat what she cooked. That to say, they are accustomed to eat it or starve and I think we will be okay. Stellar parenting skills I know.
I also ventured back to the gym today since I had energy. I took a Zumba class I hadn't taken before because normally at 10am I am in school. I will call it, "Blue Hair Zumba" in acknowledgement of the fact that myself and maybe 5 other people were under 60. I wish I had had a GoPro on my head because it was pretty epic. The instructor was older too and not as rhythmic as most of them so that was awesome. Also, the woman in front of me who I ended up talking to after class was 62 and had a better body than I do. She probably could have out-Zumbad me as well. I asked her what her secret was and she told me "Never stop moving and eat what they tell you to eat", which I found out was mostly fruit and veggies coupled with Wheaties and soy milk. Her husband eats Cheerios for cholesterol but she doesn't like them, plus Wheaties have less additives. The funny thing is that soy is horrible for you, as is wheat, and this woman is healthy as a horse. Just goes to show that no one way of eating has all the answers for every person. My Nanny lived to be almost a zillion and all she ate was meat cooked in lard, veggies cooked in bacon fat and sweet tea. She also smoked like a chimney for 20 years and never exercised. Why did she live so long but Joe down the street is dying of cancer at 40? There is no answer to this question people!! The key is to do your research, figure out what makes sense to you and what works for your body and then live it out while INFORMING others but not shoving it down throats.
Off my soapbox I go!

Day Twelve.

There has been a breach.

So I was saying yesterday my blood sugar seems to be dipping low, which is super unnerving when it happens and I couldn't really pinpoint why it was happening other than maybe I wasn't drinking enough. Last night after I posted I had to take my son to an appointment. I had a big juice about 2 hours prior and by the time I got there I had to ask his Doc if she had anything to eat because the room was a little spinny. THANKFULLY she had some grapes, which was light years better than something processed, which I would have had to accept to avoid passing out. Point being I ate some grapes. When I got home about an hour later I also drank a bit of a Bolthouse brand premade protein shake, which isn't something I wanted but I needed a quick fix to make sure all was good before bed.

I don't understand what is going on. None of it makes sense because I am juicing a ton of greens, which provide protein, as well as fruits which provide sugar- but not too many fruits because I know I don't want too much sugar. I am also not exercising because after the Iron Mountain attempt it was clear that juicing and exercise was not in my personal cards. I am hydrated, drinking tons of water as well as tea and I am also well rested. Just don't make no kinda sense and it is highly frustrating being as how I am SO CLOSE to my goal!!! I feel like I have even avoided some of the Joe Cross recipes because they are super high in sugar. BAH. All that to say I am listening to my body and if I feel like I need to eat something I will. I had my juice this morning and within an hour and a half felt badly so I cooked up two eggs and some cherry tomatoes which seemed to level things out.

I don't think it is wise of me right now to go from this straight into the Master Cleanse though. I feel confident that for whatever reason my body is responding in a way that is not conducive to hopping on the only water, lemon and syrup train directly after this. I also spent some time talking to one of my most best friends in the whole world who just happens to be studying nutrition and she informed me that her opinion of the Master Cleanse is not good. I totally respect her understanding of health so I am gonna take it all in as wisdom and not do it. She also has some really thoughtful things to say about cleansing in general, particularly in correlation to faith. She mentioned that she felt like a lot of people, who don't know Jesus, spend a huge amount of time and energy on "removing toxins", (generally nameless ones), maybe partially because they recognize a sense of uncleanliness about themselves, but neglect to recognize that no amount of lemon water or coffee enema is going to reach or cleanse it. Jesus is the one who cleans house. Jesus takes the mistakes, pain, sadness, fear etc and makes you whole, not a diet. Don't get me wrong, I am still all for a healthy fast and I am SO glad I have done this for myself to start off the year, but like everything else, there has to be BALANCE.

At the end of the day our bodies are self healing. Can that be interrupted by not taking care of them? Of course!! If you have a cut on your hand and chose not to clean it well and then allow it to continue to get dirty would you expect anything other than infection? Probably not. That same cut, cleaned and taken care of will heal because that is what your body was made to do. Your insides are no different. Yes, I have years of unhealthy eating under my belt, but that is of little significance if I chose to change NOW. My healthy choices now will not only help prevent any further sickness or deterioration but also help reverse damage that has been done. Everyday is new my friends.

So, I am not beating myself up about eating prior to the end goal of my juicing, and I am also not saying there is anything wrong with juicing for as long as you feel well doing it. I am actually proud of myself for listening to my body and responding rather than pushing through it to stubbornly reach a goal or because maybe that two more days would have been two more pounds gone. I have spent my whole life looking at pounds instead of what is actually nourishing my body, so if feels good spend a moment, (and hopefully a LOT more moments), on the other side.

PS. Just because the juicing is ending doesn't mean my blog is! I hope you continue to follow me as I share recipes, frustrations and ideas about a healthier lifestyle!

Day Eleven.

Well at this point I am totally capable of throwing whatever is in my fridge in the juicer, squeezing half a lemon on it and drinking it without gagging. I decided last night to just make enough for my breakfast and lunch today cause I am SO tired of cleaning my juicer 3+ times a day. I was running low on produce so I grabbed whatever I had left and juiced it. Pretty sure it was something along the lines of red cabbage, cauliflower, celery, spinach, kale, cucumber a pear and a quarter of a pineapple. Red cabbage is really strong in flavor when you juice it, not something I would recommend to the faint of heart. I have tried to really keep my juices as low in sugar as possible, which is hard because the fruit and sugary veggies are what level out the green taste. Even veggies like carrots and beets are super high in sugar. Granted, the sugar you are getting from fruit and veggies is obviously better than processed, I am just a stickler about things. If I am gonna drink juice for 14 days to kick start my health, I am gonna drink the healthiest juice possible which in all actuality is whatever I can concoct with as little sugar as possible. I do have to also say though, I can pretty much stomach anything. If you put it in front of me and tell me its dinner most likely I will just choke it down and I know many people aren't able to do that. ALL THAT TO SAY, if you are juicing, really do try to not live on carrots and fruit as the base of your juices. For a great list of veggies and their benefits, click here.

I have found that my energy level is not as high as it was in the beginning. I definitely feel a little low in the blood sugar department if I don't drink 4 juices a day minimum, which is hard because I am just not hungry and they fill me right up. I think I took for granted how important it is to really have 4-6 glasses and it seems to be showing yesterday and today. For the rest of this ride I am certainly going to be more deliberate in my drinking instead of waiting to feel like I want something. The issue makes me a little nervous about the Master Cleanse. I tried explaining what my plan was to my Dad and he could not wrap his head around lemon water and syrup for 10 days. He told me to just go get a colonic and be done with it which is good advice, only you don't get the full cleanse in terms of toxins from throughout your ENTIRE body being removed. I am still gonna give it a go....much to my Dads dismay.

I think I am PMSing which is a crappy place to be on a juice fast. Pretty much been grouchy and wanting pizza and ice cream all day. Also having moments of "I cannot eat right forever, what am I doing, I should just throw it all out and get a Costco hotdog immediately." I think its the hormones but it sure is a far cry from my "YES WE CAN!" post yesterday.

 

Being a woman is dumb. The garlic seems to have worked as I have had no symptoms since yesterday when I finished the second round. I may never look at garlic bread the same again, but it was worth it. I'm gonna go mope now.