I Take Myself Real Serious- ESPECIALLY on Chemical Thursdays.

I wish I had the cojones to take a picture of my sad bloated abdomen for you. Not only do I not have cojones of a large enough persuasion but quite frankly, ain't nobody got time for that.

I didn't intend for today to be a "cheat" day, as I really have had no desire to eat anything other than what I have been eating. My cravings for junk have completely subsided and small portions fill me up. I have actually been eating to live rather than living to eat, which had you told me I would have accomplished this a month ago I would have laughed at you and then cried at my assumed lack of self control.

It started at breakfast. I need groceries really bad and didn't wanna feed the kids Nutella toast so we went to a little cafe. I had an egg and some bacon- no biggie, but they didn't have raw sugar. I had to use processed sugar in my coffee. I use the term "had to" loosely here, clearly I didn't HAVE to have coffee at all. So that is what started it. Then I had to buy lunch at school. My school actually makes a wicked good salad for cheap so I wasn't concerned about it until the salad maker man couldn't hear me when I said "STOP" on the blue cheese crumbles. Pretty sure it was a 2lb salad and at least half of that was in blue cheese alone. I left a lot of it but it was there so I "had" to have a little. Fast forward to dinner, still haven't grocery shopped, no time, we go to Panda Express. I have a veggie bowl with some spicy chicken which seems innocent enough if we ignore the whole MSG thing. I was FREAKING STUFFED and so was my family but we just happened to have gift cards to Coldstone and there just happened to be one right next door to Panda Express. I didn't get anything but I definitely ate some of Presley's cotton candy with Oreo and Travis' death by chocolate with extra chocolate in a chocolate waffle bowl.

Can I just tell you I feel like a TOTAL trashcan? I look like I am 5 months pregnant, my stomach is upset, and I am disappointed in myself. I'm not all, "ERMEHGEHRD ER SERK ERT LERF" because I know I could have made WAY worse choices, but my streak was pretty epic. Now I feel like I need to run a marathon and drink juice only for two days to clear my system of what shall forever be remembered as "Chemical Thursday".

So I took this job as a TA right? Well the professor I am working for is pretty much always 5 to 10min late to her first class. No biggie, but it puts me in the front of the room staring out at 60 college students who are staring back at me for what feels like an awfully long time. The first day no one spoke, it was just silent until the teacher arrived. The next day I was letting them know what they would be doing, writing some crap on the board for them blah blah blah, and I make a joke, (which typically I am witty enough that someone at least smirks), NOTHING. 60 blank faces.

And then it occurs to me- they are all scared of me. I briefly spoke about this problem of mine here. So I stand up and say:

"Okay so I typically find out much after the fact that people are really intimidated by me because they think I am "hardcore" or whatever. I need you all to know that I am about as far from hardcore as one could possibly get. I did not take this job for the teeny amount of money I make, I took it because I really liked the class and I want to help you. That to say, please do not be scared to talk to me. I am not mean and I am not going to hit you." 

I swear on magic carpets ya'll, there was an AUDIBLE sigh of relief and people immediately pepped up and even joked with me. It was a very strange experience because I say I know people are intimidated by me, but now there is no doubt, it is just the truth and it is SO bizarre. I feel like I should just walk around with a disclaimer sign around my neck so people will be friends with me. OR I could just walk around with only this face always:

The food in my teeth is a total bonus- it's a Panda Express/Coldstone combo. Shame my nose ring post isn't fully hanging out because then it would look like I had boogers too. I suppose this look wouldn't make me many friends either, but at least I wouldn't be taken so damn seriously. My mom loves when I make this face. It's her favorite.

Just Stuff.

Well, life just went from 0 to 100 quicker than lickety-split. School has officially begun and I am already feeling a little bit frantic. I am taking 5 classes on top of being a teachers assistant for my cultural anthropology professor from last semester. I have class M-Th and the TA position requires me to sit in on at least one of her classes. I don't know why I feel the need to stretch myself as far as humanly possible, but I did it last semester too. I guess it doesn't feel overwhelming in a bad way; I really like being busy and productive. I spent so long at home with babies that having something to do, even if it is a lot, feels really good...most of the time. That to say blogging will not be occurring perhaps as frequently as it was.

So I have had nightmares every night for over a week. I couldn't really understand why this is occurring because I have never had issues with frequent nightmares. They aren't wake up crying and screaming sort of dreams, but they are pretty violent and personal in nature. Turns out this is a common symptom associated with SSRI withdrawal. So in about a 3 week period I have gone from 100mg of Zoloft to 40mg. Along with the nightmares I have also had the very typical "brain zaps" that occur when lowering or discontinuing SSRI's. I am all too familiar with this particular symptom because I had them REALLY bad coming off Paxil about 8 years ago. It sort of feels like someone is randomly administering a mini electric shock to your brain. More annoying than anything else, but if you aren't familiar with them they can be pretty alarming. Along with nightmares and shocks, here are some other awesome things someone looking to come off meds may need to prepare for:

• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Depression and mood swings
• Light-headedness
• Dizziness and balance problems
• Electric shock sensations
• Fatigue
• Flu-like symptoms
• Headache
• Loss of coordination
• Muscle spasms
• Nausea
• Nightmares
• Tremors
• Trouble sleeping
• Vomiting

Wait a minute....you mean to say that I am going to experience worse symptoms coming off medicine than I was experiencing prior to even taking it? YES! 

Typical pharmaceutical nightmare. I could go on and on but I am not even gonna get myself started. Prayerfully the minimal side effects I am dealing with will subside sooner rather than later and if not I will at least have the perseverance to get through them.

Update on the church situation- the one I wrote about here. I ended up speaking to the pastor and he was super apologetic so I gave the church another shot the following Sunday and I am SO glad I did! Not only was the teaching great, but the people were out of this world nice. Weird nice. I had more conversations that one morning than I have had in 2 years of Sundays looking for a church. Not to mention that when I introduced myself to the pastor he was again, more than apologetic and totally glad I was there. He even emailed me again later in the week and thanked me for coming. I have been for 3 Sundays now and I have totally committed myself to stay there the rest of our time in California. I have already made some friends that I have seen outside of church and am getting myself involved in serving. I feel like this place is definitely something special and considering the circumstances, exactly where God wants me. I am actually excited about Sunday mornings again and I haven't felt that way since Washington.

AND before I go, I got a letter from my school in the mail informing me that I was on some Vice Presidents list for maintaining a 3.5 or above GPA with 12 or more units last semester. I was pretty stoked being as how I am the chick who in high school wrote a whole paper on why I wasn't going to write the paper I was actually supposed to write. True story- I still have it. Hoping I can live up to my accomplishments this coming semester! 

My BFF Kale.

If you had told me a month ago that kale would be a staple in my diet I would have made the crazy face at you. Like this:

But as it turns out, kale is awesome and not just when it's made into wanna be chips, (which I haven't actually ever had but am willing to bet are no substitute for Lays). I actually originally purchased it to make chips with, but ended up using it in my Carcass Soup and really liked it. Since then I have made sure to keep it on hand, (it is super cheap which is a huge deal), and have used it as the base of pretty much every lunch I have had for weeks. All that to say, today I want to share with you what has become my go-to lunch. It is quick, easy, delicious and really good for you.

First of all, you have to have some basic produce in the fridge. I try to buy produce that is on sale rather than what I would prefer because living and eating in California is a huge expense. However, carrots, onions, apples, oranges, cucumbers and now kale are always things because I know if all else fails my kids will eat something in that list. So other than those few staples I buy whatever is being promoted by the store. Recently I have had sugar snap peas, baby eggplant, brussels and cauliflower. You also need a clean soy sauce of your choice or if you want to use meat fat or butter to cook it in the soy sauce may not be needed. I prefer a little bacon grease as a stick repellant for the pan as well as flavor in the food. (I think saving bacon grease may be a southern thing, so if you are unfamiliar with this concept, basically all you do is when you cook bacon, pour the grease in a metal container and throw it in the fridge. When you are cooking veggies or whatever later, instead of using oil or butter use bacon grease.) So without further ado, here is my super formal and complicated lunch recipe:

Veggie Pan Mess

Handful or two of whatever vegetables you have

1.5-ish TSP butter, ghee, meat fat, oil (whatever you choose)

Leftover meat (or not)

Egg (or not)

Soy sauce/spices of your choice

Chop up veggies and meat

Throw in with melted fat/oil/ghee

Cook till veggies are soft but not mushy

Top with fried egg if desired

OR top with nut of choice, raisins or cranberries

EAT!

If I don't use cranberries or whatever I will sometimes couple this with a piece of fruit. I seriously have had this everyday for lunch, and sometimes dinner for more than 2 weeks. The coolest part is it always tastes a little different depending on what grease you use and what veggies you have on hand.

ALSO, I finally got to the top of Iron Mountain yesterday! Third time is a charm! I even had the pleasure of hiking up with this awesome chick I met recently. I wish I had met her 2 years ago when we first planted ourselves here, but I will take and be happy with what I get. It was a pretty legit hike, about 3miles up and then back down, with some momentarily rough terrain. I was super proud of us for not dying AND getting out of bed this morning. I really enjoyed being outside and I certainly wouldn't mind spending more time on things like hiking.

I have no clue why I look ripped in this picture, it is completely misrepresenting reality.

 Today is the first day of spring semester for me and I am gonna be really busy, taking mostly all classes I don't want to take. I am sitting here as we speak with fresh blue dye in my hair, (foiled  cause I am awesome like that), thinking about how much I don't want to go get in the shower and get on with the day. I am so comfy in my routine right now, I feel so good, I am eating well and doing all the right things and I worry the moment my feet hit campus I am gonna rush to the bookstore and start eating Doritos and being sedentary. It is ridiculous, I know. Anyhow, I do actually have to get to the business of being grown, so I wish you all a happy Monday! 

PS. God is good ALL THE TIME!

Mustard Seed Faith.

Went to my psychiatrist. Last time I was there she upped me to a higher dose, (which I never started taking) and I showed up this time telling her I was coming off. I wish I had been able to capture the look on her face when I said it, it was pretty priceless. It was a lot like this:

Only she didn't have a mic and shes Russian and a she. After her moment of bewilderment she flipped through my file reminding me of the multiple emotional disorders I have as well as the 80% fail rate particularly based on my "genetic machinery". Then she told me she had to tell me all that but the choice was mine. So I asked what the next step was. She wrote me a prescription for the lowest dose and told me to take one and a half for the first week, then just one, followed by just half and then none at which point I am to report back to her. She said the fact that I hadn't had any withdrawal symptoms having cut back on my own was a good sign. So I am officially in it guys. I stepped off the sand, into the water and I am wading out.
What is really awesome is that since I started juicing which is almost a month ago now, I have not had to take a Xanax. I have had two instances when I felt super anxious and had to get inside my head and calm myself down, but did so totally without the help of medicine. This is HUGE for me, because typically I would struggle with anxiety throughout every day. I may not need to take narcotics for it but I am generally constantly staving off a panic attack. The whole issue is just a daily struggle even being on meds so the fact that I have felt as good as I have is almost alarming. It makes me nervous, like this is some calm before the storm, which is dumb considering I really do believe God is taking care of it. I guess I am only human and doubt is to be expected, even when there has yet to be a good reason for it.
Doubt is so funny in terms of faith, though. I was watching this televangelist that I actually really like named Jesse Duplantis. He's an older, straight outta Louisiana, full of faith and funny as can be sort of preacher. I had him on the TV mostly as background noise while I was doing something on the computer so I wasn't listening intently but I heard him say "Faith is so powerful that God had to put a dimension on it..." He was talking about a mustard seed. God had to literally size faith down to a tiny little seed in order for us wrap our silly little heads around its power. If faith as small as a mustard seed can literally move mountains imagine what faith the size of a peach pit might do.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

I have a ton of other things to write about tonight but my family has started a movie so I have to run. Till next time friends.

Scales are stupid, the media is killing us, here- listen to Tori Amos and cook chicken.

I have to start by making sure that everyone reading this understands that this blog is recording real life. I have in no way shape or form figured "it" out yet and a lot of what I write is a way to help me work out my own thoughts and struggles. I do this publicly because I fully believe someone will benefit or at least be left feeling less alone than before. That being said, I am pretty discouraged today.
I have actually gained weight in the past weeks. I lost some from juicing and then gained a little back which is to be expected, but I am still gaining. I know I know, muscle ways more than fat and blah diddy blah, but my clothes aren't fitting differently and I don't look any different either. I have been eating completely whole and 99% Paleo friendly as well as exercising 3 to 4 times a week. I want so much for this not to be about weight, because I really do want to be healthy, but it would seem losing some weight should be a delightful symptom of such huge lifestyle changes.
This is par for the course in my life. Even when I was exercising vigorously and eating low calorie and in the best shape I have ever been in as far as endurance and strength, I still was not losing weight. I don't get it and frankly it sort of pisses me off. There is no medical issue, nothing I can blame it on. And it isn't even that I am super unhappy with my weight I just don't understand WHY it seems an impossibility to actually drop pounds unless I am actively involved in an eating disorder.
I have read the research and I feel like I am honestly doing everything right.
"What is it that your want Brooks?" is what you may be asking yourself, in your head, right now. Lets talk about ideals. Bare with me while I sort this out for myself, as well as you. I tend to live predominantly in a sort of purgatory where body positivity and unrealistic goals are constantly at war with each other. For instance, I try to encourage myself with things like this:

I follow body positive Instagramers as well as seeking this sort of imagery when I am pooping around online. I feel like ANY sort of body positive imagery be it fat, skinny, black, white, handicapped or disfigured people, is such a far cry from what we see all day everyday in advertisement and really important in helping to keep me grounded. I love that there is even a small percentage of people who are so honestly and unapologetically comfortable in their own skin. I am in awe of them, actually. I wonder how it is that they have managed to make it through life thus far without allowing the world to tell them who they are is not enough. Furthermore, how do I teach my OWN daughter that when I can't even figure it out? I do all that I can to tell her she is enough, beautiful, funny, smart, creative and created in the image of God. I consciously keep my mouth shut about my own issues around her because I know first hand the effects of that. I talk about health and not "diet", strong and not skinny, but I would be lying if I said I believed that was enough to keep her out of the mess I have spent so much of my life in.
The reality is that I can seek out body positive stuff all day long, but as soon as I turn on the TV or drive down the highway or stand in line at the grocery store or go to the gym, this is what surrounds me:

Clothes for real Americans.

They love their bodies. I can't imagine why.

Forget the image, lets just talk about the fact that my 9 year old, who can read, sees this anytime we are at a store.

"Real" Housewives. Right.

Clearly we all "know" what NONSENSE this is and how it in NO WAY actually represents reality. However, it is all we see. Worse than that, it is what our children see. Your sons see what their future wives should look like and your daughters see who they should become physically. Think I may be exaggerating? Take a trip back in time with me real quick so I can give you some visuals as to what our little girls are being sold. I took a moment to create side by side imaging of original versions of toys/characters vs current ones:

Regular Lego/Girls Only Lego

Original My Little Pony Cartoon/Current

Original Candyland Princess/Current

As if Barbie wasn't bad enough- Original/Bratz/Monster High

Original Strawberry Shortcake/Current

Tell me I am crazy. These FEW examples barely scratch the surface of not only the inaccurate representation of what it means to be a woman or female in general but also, (especially with the Lego), the widening gender gap pushed on our kids.
I feel like I am really far off the topic of being pissed at my scale numbers at this point, and much more pissed at the fact that I am pissed at my scale numbers because I am so aware of their insignificance. I have not had a thigh gap since I was a fetus. My hips are wide. I have carried and bore two healthy children leaving my stomach scarred and stretchy. My boobs were at one point swollen with milk and fed little bodies leaving them soft and low. THIS HAS GOT TO BE OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I AM PHYSICALLY AND IT HAS TO BE OKAY. It has to be MORE than okay. I do not want to just tolerate my body, I want to be proud of it, all it is and all it isn't. And more that ANYTHING in the WHOLE world, I want my little girl to be proud of her own body as an extension of her mind and her soul and her REAL self.
Clearly I'm preaching to myself to here people, I hope someone else is hearing it. Really hearing it.

PS. I realize these thoughts are scattered and that was an abrupt ending so please go listen to this amazing song that is in no way affiliated with anything I just said but I love it and Tori Amos is awesome so enjoy.

PSS. Lets make this as random as possible by adding a recipe plug! Best wings ever- recipe could also be used on larger pieces of chicken. Check out the recipe here.

Click Here For Bacon.

Keepin it short today but wanted to share an awesome dinner idea! Tonight I made Bacon Wrapped Chicken with Maple Parsnips and both were delicious. The smallest child was not a fan of the parsnips which is beyond me because they are cooked in coconut oil and syrup. (RIGHT!) However the meaty entree was a hit all around.
You can get the recipe for the chicken here. It isn't totally Paleo as it uses brown sugar, but it IS totally good and worth the little cheat. I cut the chili powder in half so my kids wouldn't complain, and I was short on bacon so a few of them cooked sans pork and still turned out super yummy.
The maple parsnips are here. I had never had parsnips but they were a lot like a mild carrot and once you cook them in all that coconut and maple they pretty much taste like dessert.
Both of these recipes are super good, however I wouldn't pair them again based on the fact that they are both pretty sweet. I will definitely make both again but pair each with something much more savory.

I also made what turned out to be a really good gluten free, dairy free, vegan friendly "bread/cake". I felt certain while I made it that my kids would not be fooled but was pleasantly surprised when they both moaned about how delicious it was and asked if they could PLEASE take some in their lunch tomorrow! The coconut flour and lack of "real sugar" certainly makes it apparent that it is not the kind of cake I grew up eating. BUT, it is really flavorful, moist and will fill any carb/bread craving you have. If you would like to make it check out the recipe here. The website you will be linked to has a TON of really good recipes like the Cranberry Orange Loaf I just told you about.

I used a LOT of coconut oil tonight and it never occurred to me to check the nutrition label. ACK! It is really high in fat. I know that it is good fat and I get the science behind Paleo and yada yada but it freaked me out to see 14g of fat in TWO tablespoons after I used like 10. Changing your eating habits is hard but changing your MIND about what is good for you is even harder. I needed to remind myself about the science behind Paleo so I went here. I suppose I will just keep reading stuff like this till it is as ingrained in me as my backwards idea of health.

Other than that I have been feeling really good!! My mood has actually been better than usual which I really have to credit to my clean diet and (more importantly) the continued prayer and support from my family and friends and a God who sees my beginning from end and is faithful! I haven't lost more weight but I am trying not to think about it. I have been going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week and really enjoying my workouts for the most part. I think I figured out what to eat to maintain my energy during exercise so that is a huge relief. I am proud of all that I have worked to accomplish for myself and my family so far this year and I have really high hopes for the rest of 2014, which is both exciting and scary. I am definitely not a "aim for the stars" type so aiming for the stars is really intimidating. Plus, school starts in a week and I know that will disrupt my new routine in a major way. I plan on being as intentional as possible in food and exercise and time management, but I know a full class load will certainly manage to rain on that parade a little. Ah well, hope for the best prepare for the worst? I suppose that really isn't hope at all but it seems fitting.

In Regards To My Blatancy.

I realize that last post was a little on the heavy side, sorry if I scared you, I can't help but be me and sometimes me is a lot. I think many people have a hard time figuring out what to do with me. Making friends hasn't come naturally to me in my adult life, which is really funny from where I am standing because myself as well as people who do know me know that I am nice to the core. Perhaps too nice sometimes. I love people, I love learning all about them (my inner Freud), I genuinely want to hear your story and process it and come back and help you pick apart things. This is of course why I am studying psychology, but it really is just what I LOVE. However, I suppose to a lot of people I probably look a little intimidating. I have a mohawk and face metal and quite a few tattoos. I am pretty into clothes and fashion so I am generally pretty well put together in my own eccentric way. I have also been told that I have a "bitch" face. 'Scuse my french but it is what it is. It is the face of "Don't talk to me", even though that is NEVER what I am thinking....well maybe sometimes but not often. I have had employers get frustrated with me because I don't look cheerful enough. Apparently my normal, taking it all in face, looks evil and scary.
I guess all of these things together leave people at a loss as to how to approach or communicate with me. I find this is especially true for people who are less "out there" than myself. You know, the blue jean, Old Navy T wearing, sports watching, Olive Garden dining kind of folks. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with any of those things, Olive Garden has the best salad ever, but that person is on the surface very different from what I am on the surface and it is those sorts of people who I assume feel the most at a loss when trying to converse with me. I feel like there is all sorts of awkward pauses and then I say something meant to be funny and they don't get it which just makes them think I am even weirder then they thought followed by more silence and then some comment about the weather. This sort of thing happens to me OFTEN. I cannot tell you how many people who become acquaintances or friends tell me later on how intimidated they were by my presence or how mean they expected me to be.
Couple ALL OF THAT with the fact that when you DO finally have a conversation with me I am transparent to a fault. I just don't have a good small talk gene I guess. I like roots. I like people stripped down to the bone so I can really see all the good and bad, and expose those things about myself as well. I feel like that is how you REALLY connect and REALLY grow both within yourself and in relationships. I don't have trust issues. Nothing about my life is a secret. Mostly. I mean, clearly there are some things, usually whatever may be a current issue, that I don't wanna verbally spew all over you because I am still figuring it out myself, but everything else IS WHAT IT IS. My truth is my testimony and as graphic and weird and frustrating and embarrassing as it may be, it is what God has used to make me who I am today and generally speaking I am pretty proud of that person.
So look, I need you to not be scared of me. I respect your trust issues and the fact that you don't want to tell me the most traumatic thing you have ever experienced during a meet and greet. I get that maybe you don't care about my story, and that is okay too, (we won't ever be really great friends and I think you should really consider what you DO care about in your relationships with people if it isn't roots), but I am not judging your disinterest. I just need you to know that I don't need to trust you to tell you all the awesome things God has shown me and done in my life because I trust God and the fact that regardless of whether or not I come off as too open or too raw or scary or whatever, he is totally gonna use all of that for SOMEONES redemption.
Myself, my metal, my tattoos and my mohawk are really very nice people. We like what we like and that may seem abnormal to you but it is to no ones benefit to assume anything about us based on a visual. I work really hard not to assume you and your artificial blonde hair and Old Navy T-shirt aren't boring and stuck up and sometimes it is really hard, so I get that the opposite is too. I am rambling now but my point is:

LESS OF THIS

MUCH MUCH MORE OF THIS

You are welcome for the most awesome visual possible by the way, I am pretty much a master graphic artist now. 

Before I go I have to share with you that my "Made From Carcass Soup" mentioned here, should actually be called "Throw In Leftovers of Any Variety and Enjoy" soup. I discovered that you can pretty much take any leftover meat or cooked veggie about to disintegrate in its Tupperware, throw it in the soup,heat it up and it becomes even more delicious than it was prior. Not only have I done this with cauliflower rice and Greek meatballs, but today I threw in leftover beef/bacon/fat awesomeness along with a baked sweet potato and it was RIDICULOUS how yummy it was. We were also blessed enough to get to pick some fresh oranges for free at a friends yesterday and they are SO good. I cannot understand why there are starving people anywhere when fruit trees produce more than any family could possibly harvest or eat. The hungry need to come to Lakeside CA with a garbage bag and collect oranges. I am for real, based on produce trees alone there is NO reason for people to not be eating. Anyhow, here is my soup in all its glory as well as the BEST WORSHIP SONG EVER. Happy Sunday! 

I Am Afraid.

Before I go into what is sure to be a wordy blog (but worth it- don't give up), I am proud to announce that I was a featured blogger over on my awesome friend Randi's website Beautifully Bohemian! I spoke mostly about my juice journey, including tips for those looking to try a juice fast. If you are interested in learning more about things like home schooling, breastfeeding, natural birth, self love, growth and vegan eating please hop on over there. This woman is amazing. She also has ebooks available covering everything from vegan cooking to projects for kids. Randi is my oldest friend and I have had the pleasure of being a part of her life through both good and bad. I have never known someone so strong, so determined and so full of positive energy. SO GO LEARN MORE ABOUT ALL THINGS GRANOLA ON HER SITE!

Shameless plug, check.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16. That is like, 15 years, AKA literally half of my life so far. I was a kid with serious issues when I was first diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder as well as depression and instead of serious therapy I was given Paxil and Xanax to take as needed. By 16 I had a decent amount of trauma under my belt and high school was the perfect straw for the camel. The meds helped, I guess. I was able to not cry ALL the time and had limited panic attacks instead of constant ones. I was still completely self destructive in every sense of the word. I got involved with all the wrong guys, physically harmed myself as well as the occasional partaking of substance abuse. I have to say though, my friends were pretty hardcore into drugs, (the older we got the harder the drugs got), and because of my anxiety issues I was always too nervous about the affects of being high to really get high. I consider this a total blessing because, and I am not exaggerating here, almost every close friend I had got into meth, some of them coming very close to destroying their lives with it. I suppose you could say that lives have been destroyed and that the early years of addiction were catalyst for some really terrible behaviors that continued later in their lives, but that is a whole other blog. What I am getting at is that I was on meds that did a decent job of bandaiding some really large problems but they were just that, bandaids.
I got myself into therapy on a bunch of occasions, mostly based on circumstantial stuff that I knew I needed help working through right then. I also have attempted to come off of medicine completely, never successfully doing so long term. I am not totally sure why that is, but I have some ideas:
1. I am afraid to feel. I felt a lot from a very young age, and a lot of it did not feel good. By the time I was a teenager feeling things was debilitating. I didn't have the coping skills or anyone to tell me that feelings were part of life. Enter a little mental breakdown and a trip to the psychiatrists office where he too tells me what I am feeling isn't okay and that they make pills for that. So not knowing any better I accepted that whatever emotions I was dealing with were somehow abnormal and needed to be fixed not felt. This way of thinking has become so engrained in me that I don't even realize I actually believe it, but I do. I know I do because I really believe it is Gods will for me to be medicine free and I am TERRIFIED of what I might feel and who is going to tell me that what I feel isn't okay.
2. I am afraid of who I might be while my head straightens itself out. My brain functions differently having been dependent for so long which will cause, like quitting any drug, withdrawal. That could look a lot of different ways, none of which are good and it could take a lot of time for my natural chemicals to re-balance themselves. Not only is this scary for me physically and emotionally but also for my family. It could be a lot to deal with and I HATE to think for a moment that my trying to be better could have a negative (short or long term) effect on my kids and husband.
3. I am afraid to fail again. I have ridden this ride. I have stood in front of the giant ready to throw my stone and his glare has caused me to back down every time. It is exhausting on so many levels, and not just for me but for my family too. It is so much easier to just fill the script, even though I know it is dumbing me down emotionally. Medicine works well to keep you flat lined, but more often than not you are just that, flat lined. Anger, sadness and joy in their purest form have not existed in my life for a very very long time....and that is just not okay.
Don't get me wrong- there is a place for medicine and I believe all good things come from God and if medicine is saving lives God is in it. What I just cannot get okay with is the amount of dependency we have on things like mental health pharmaceuticals. It seems like every year that goes by more and more people feel something they don't like based on the normal brokenness that comes along with living and instead of being directed to feel it and work through it with someone they just get medicine. And let me just say here, in case you didn't know, there is NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF "CHEMICAL IMBALANCES". There is a TON of medical and scientific articles on this, click here for something written in laymen terms. That said, basically they are handing out medicine like candy based on a theory that has never been proven. YIKES. Furthur more, if there is no actual "imbalance" in your brain, what is the medicine actually doing other than causing your brain to stop functioning normally and become dependent on it for normalcy? It all comes back to money and Big Pharma and the fact that

But that too is a whole other blog.

What I am getting at is this: about two weeks ago, a little into my juicing, I cut my medicine in half. I have done the research as far as how greatly diet can affect mental health and since I am working so hard to cut out all things icky, I figured there was no better time to also try and get myself off drugs. I have actually felt really good on the half dose, and haven't had to take a narcotic for panic ONE time since I started juicing, which is really encouraging. The sad thing is that as soon as I feel agitated or sad for a moment I get a little panicky because I am not supposed to feel those things and it must be my meds and what am I thinking coming off of them? Really- I miss someone and it makes me a little watery in the eyes and I immediately think something is wrong with me. I know this is ridiculous but you have to understand, this stuff has permeated the very fiber of my being.
I have an appointment with my crazy monitoring Dr next week, at which point I will tell her I want to start to ween off meds completely, something she has already told me she doesn't think is a good idea based on my history. I am hoping she will be supportive enough and I plan to see her often while in process. I am also gonna do some therapy during this time so I can get everything out and sift through it rather than feel like everything is wrong which means there is something innately wrong with me.
I am scared guys. I am searching for my faith, mustard seed or mountain. I know God has my back, I know He is alive in me and I know that I know that I know this is His will more than mine. He wants me out of the boat and I know it...it's just that the water is SO choppy and on my own I'm not a good swimmer. I am scared to lean into Him, to fully trust Him rather than myself or my feelings. I am scared of all of it.

Spendin Money, Cookin Treats, Being Awesome.

Well I went grocery shopping. We now have lots of healthy food items but not so much money. I went pretty far over my budget, (which is already RIDICULOUS living in the state of California). I would prefer not to discuss how much money I actually spent, but I will say that my budget for 2 weeks of groceries is $250. This is usually what I spend give or take a little, and that is shopping sales and ads. If you are really curious about the cost of this grocery trip take into account the fact that the $250 has previously been spent on Walmart brand everything. I am sure if you have ever walked in a whole foods store you can approximate close to how far over budget I went, especially because I had to replace staple stuff. I had to buy almond flour, coconut flour, spices, coconut oil, coconut aminos (a product of which I had no idea what it was till I miraculously found it among the oils), bulk raw almonds and other nuts ect ect. Look I even have ghee, (another product of which I had little to no understanding as to what it was or why I needed it)! I am pretty much totally alternative now. On the fringe.

Not only did I go over budget, it also took me about 5 hours to get it all done. I went to four different stores to get all the things I needed. Trader Joes was first, then Sprouts Farmers Market (they had what Joes didn't plus cheaper produce), followed by Costco to get some meat (and a $12 bag of pork jerky that is the most delicious dehydrated treat I have EVER had), and finally Target which was really for bathroom crap but I grabbed some odds and ends. I literally shopped the entire time my kids were in school. It was awful and I am really hoping now that I have a feel for who has what and where it is located next time won't feel so much like a marathon. Anyways, I got it done like a boss. A money spending boss. I didn't cook yesterday because I was tired of looking at food, but today I made two new things!
First I undertook the Raw Carrot Cake Balls. Carrot Cake is my second favorite dessert of all time and the idea of a health AND raw version was super exciting. I have never been a baker/dessert maker type but the recipe was easy and because they were raw I didn't have to turn on my oven in these disgusting and unnatural California winter temperatures, (85 today. It's January.). They called for Medjool dates, which I had purchased and tried in process of making the carrot balls. OMG its like eating nature candy. Seriously, they are pecan pie without pie or pecans. I could have eaten the whole tub of them, but I didn't. If I had I may have gone into a sugar coma because they are like 27grams per 2!!! I only have a mini food processor which made it not as easy because I couldn't just dump everything in, I had to do a little at a time and then hand mix. I know, rough life. They turned out really yummy. The kids were asking for them after dinner and preferred them over ginger cookies we have left from Christmas!

You can find the recipe here. Next time I would cut the almonds in half, add more dates and cinnamon, but that is my taste. It was super duper easy and a great little grab and go snack.
I also ventured into the world of made from scratch soup. My mom recently made some chicken soup and said it was the most delicious thing she has ever concocted so I figured I better follow suit. I got a rotisserie chicken from Costco, (I know I know not organic but freaking delicious and cheap as crap), took the meat off and boiled the carcass (SUCH a better word than bones) for awhile. After it had been simmering for over an hour I let it sit, mostly because I had to take my tiny child for a root canal and crown because her teeth are made of dust and we can't make them stop disintegration to save our lives, or our bank accounts. I digress. So when I got home I cut up carrots, onions, celery and kale and after straining the broth dumped it back in with all the chicken meat. I let that cook for about 30min, added some salt, pepper, poultry and Italian seasoning and bowled up. It was pretty good. I am not a huge soup person, but in the way of chicken soups that are broth based it was the best I have had. I prefer creamy soups with lots of fat and dairy but this will be great to have in the fridge and there was enough to freeze some as well.

That is all I got in the way of food ideas today, more tomorrow I am sure. I am also having some issues with figuring out exactly what my body needs to exercise without feeling like I might die afterwards. I seem to be fine during my workout (I am mostly all cardio right now), but when I finish it is like both my blood sugar and blood pressure plummet. I am weak, shaky and a little disoriented. Today I had to chug a gas station orange juice before I even got home. I didn't eat a ton today, and I know if I am gonna completely cut out carbs I need to be eating fattier meats. It seems like produce and lean protein just aren't going to cut it on the days I want to run. I imagine it will be a bit of a process and maybe I need to do a pre-workout snack or post-workout shake. It is really sort of a downer though because I would really love to just eat what I eat, exercise and be fine. I have a Drs appointment in the morning for other stuff but I am gonna mention it to him and see what he says. He'll probably tell me I'm stupid for not eating according to food pyramid, but maybe I will concern him enough to do some blood work so I can at least be sure I am not deficient in anything.
I will end today's entry with a picture of my kids lunches for tomorrow. Preparation is key when trying to eat well and I have already learned if i don't wanna send the rugrats off with Nutella sandwiches and cheese puffs I gotta do the whole lunch thing the night before.They just got to try almond butter and loved it, I like to wrap the frogs on logs (celery) in foil so it doesn't roll all around and mess itself up in their Bento boxes.

Yeah I know, rice cakes. Get off me they aren't wheat and my kids really like them. Baby steps people. As you can see, I really am, as above mentioned, a totally alternative mom. Granola even. In the outskirts, the fringes. Fightin the good fight. I'm a loner Dotty, a rebel.

The Sinful Delight of Snack Sized Trail Mix.

For the past two days I have succeed in the Paleo plan as well as humanly possible having not actually gone grocery shopping yet. Pay day is tomorrow and I am SO ready to get things that I can eat! Don't get me wrong, I have had some amazing food but it has all been some random egg or modge podge stir fry based on what I had left in the fridge from juicing, which by the way cost close to $200 for 12 days just for me. YIKES. That to say, I have used every last veggie and fruit scrap available to get me through till I can shop.
I have been sort of grumpy the past two days, which I think is partially due to wanting something other than egg scramble and stir fry surprise. This way of eating doesn't really cater to snacks unless of course you have pre-made raw energy bars or veggie chips. I have not had anything to snack on and have sat stoically, (teeth clenched, eye twitching), as my family munched everything from popcorn to truffle bread and pizza to french fries. I think this situation would make anyone a little grouchy. I didn't even have some raw almonds to sooth the need for chewing. I finally grabbed a snack sized bag of trail mix, (not the M&M kind but there were dark chocolate chips), and I felt like I was indulging in some sinful desire. A PALM SIZED SERVING OF GENERIC TRAIL MIX.
The other part of the grouchy is the fact that I have a minor (coughcough) shopping habit (addiction) and due to some budget decisions we have made I have had to trade my overwhelming desire to spend 2 hours at the Goodwill with reading a book or something. It has been really difficult. I am not sure what that says about me, other than that I need a hobby. I am not some huge spender and I don't get a high from just buying whatever. What I DO get a high from is treasure hunting. I am a treasure hunter. Look I have proof:

This basically means I can walk into a thrift store and within an hour walk out with anything awesome and or vintage that they have. Now because I am a treasure hunter I am also a collector. I love all things old and kitschy. I collect salt and pepper shakers, vintage owls (ACTUAL vintage owls not the ones from Target, and I have been doing it for like 10 years so take that trendsters), awesome mustache memorabilia, afghans, old clocks, embroidery art, Babushka dolls, vintage books and so on and so forth. This is not counting the fact that I collect old Avon bottles on behalf of my daughter, (a collection she grows to appreciate more and more each day), as well as my husbands problem with tools and Cadillac matchbox cars and my sons issue with old photos and Coke memorabilia. SO, as you can see a thrift store is a really great place for me and I haven't been there in weeks and it's making me grouchy.
Back to health and eating and stuff though, I have been going to the gym which is both good and bad. Good because it makes my heart happy, bad because I hate exercise. I have started running again which is also good and bad. Good because YAY and bad because I am starting all over. I cannot believe I was running a 10k 2 years ago, 11min mile the whole way, no issues and now I am gasping through a 12min mile and walking after that. BUT I am there, I am doing it, it's good for me, hoorah.
Working on not weighing myself or thinking to much about that other than I am eating better than I have EVER. I even figured out that a cup of coffee with a little almond milk and spoonful of raw sugar isn't as bad as I thought. Again, it's probably the same as the sinful trail mix phenomenon in that any minor amount of richness feels like German chocolate cake. Unacceptable, really. I am making raw carrot cake balls, apple nachos and a handful of other delights promptly after grocery shopping. I will let you know how that goes....I am nervous about the financial aspect of whole shopping as well as how many places I will have to go to acquire what I need. Stay tuned for that as well as recipes! I will be cooking a ton of new things this week and if they are delicious I will make sure you know how to make them!

Old Habits Die Hard.

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Some people say that and they mean that they have been overweight their entire life and never been able to control it. What I mean is that I have always perceived my weight to be an issue, even when it isn't. This way of thinking has led me to starving myself, binging and purging, reckless eating and over exercising. I don't like to say I have eating disorders, because I imagine "real anorexia" looks like a tiny, frail ballerina pushing peas around a plate. "Real bulimia" is the person who eats a whole pizza and a whole pack of Oreos and a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips and then throws up and eats more. "Real reckless eating" is the already morbidly obese person who hides candy bars in their underwear drawer and shovels pounds of fast food into their mouths every day. I was not the extreme of any of these things, but have certainly fit into the category of all of them on and off throughout my life. Family and friends never knew because my weight never fluctuated enough to become noticeable. I have never in my life been "noticeably thin". I have come out later in life and honestly shared some of the struggles with people who I thought might benefit from hearing my story, but I don't consider myself to be a "recovering" anything. Maybe that is naive of me. It probably is, but I am the master of minimization and like it that way. If I wasn't as good at minimizing as I am, I am certain the weight of the world would have crushed me by now.
*This is a total downer so far, sorry. Don't give up on me yet!
I say all of that because here I am, not far removed from any of it, trying really hard to get on the right track. The track that isn't any of the above but involves caring about my health far more than what a scale says. I want the road less taken; the one that curves away from self destruction and fad diets in the name of "skinny" and into the horizon of "whole, healthy, strong". This seems like a no brainer, you just gotta change your habits! Pick the right thing instead of the wrong thing! Eat the good stuff not the bad stuff! Right? Easy peasy. SO NOT easy peasy. See my problem lies not in initially picking the right things, but when I have to compromise, or have a moment of weakness I feel like such a failure I wanna dump the whole idea because it seems easier to go back to eating the pizza and heading to the bathroom. I know DAMN well that comes with its own guilt, which may actually be worse than eating a cookie when I've sworn off cookies. It all goes back to that extremist side of me that I seem to constantly have to reign in.
So here I am, this is my 2nd full day of eating since the juice ended and I am already worried about what eating is going to do to my weight. I lost just under 10lbs juicing, which was stellar and I definitely needed it. My body looks better (which is apparent in the before and after undies picture I took that I am totally never posting!), and I feel really good. However, coming off a fast means putting a few of those pounds back on, not even in a bad way just the nature of eating anything after not eating anything. Water, fat, muscle, whatever- it is just how it goes. I have been eating REALLY well especially compared to prior to the fast. I am avoiding processed food altogether, any wheat products as well as sugar. Most of what I have eaten has been fresh produce and protein. If this change had been made a month ago I would have been SO proud of myself. And, I am, sort of. The problem is that I just keep thinking about how if I  was only juicing I would still lose more weight. Basically I am reverting back to the same old unhealthy, scale based, eating disorder based way of thinking I have always functioned in. It would be SO easy for me to use "juicing" as a way to avoid food, cleverly disguised as a healthy cleanse. I am still thinking back to the scale. I am still more concerned about being skinny than being healthy and I don't know if that will ever really go away. I want it to, but I feel like no matter how much I know, (and I know A LOT, I am REALLY smart *wink*), this thought process will forever be my baseline.
I am the girl who appreciates EVERY body type on EVERYONE other than herself. I am the mom who encourages her children to think about health and NEVER about body types. I am the wife who recognizes that her husband of 10 years really finds her drop dead gorgeous, (even naked after 2 kids *miracle*).  I am the daughter who preaches against all of this to her mom when she gets stuck in the same rut. I am the friend who reminds you that who you are is beautiful and fat days don't actually mean you are fat. I am the stranger comparing myself to you inch by inch and ALWAYS finding something to appreciate about you.
This is the story of my life, and I am working SO hard at changing my story. We ate out today at lunch and I was hard pressed to find the "right" foods for my new eating plans. So I ate a salad with balsamic, chili, (small bowl), which is not Paleo because beans are evil. I also had a gluten free coconut muffin which is not Paleo because rice flour is evil. AND beets, which are high starch and meant to be avoided except for every now and then. I AM A COMPLETE LOSER. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. Is what I am saying to myself. Normally, at this restaurant I would have had a cream based soup (probably 2 bowls), a plate of 4+ different types of breads, a cream based high calorie dressing (because you're eating lettuce and that means you can use as much blue cheese as you want), and dessert. Clearly today I did really well. Yes, I had to bend a few rules, but at this point baby steps are a big deal, especially for such a huge lifestyle change. I KNOW that, and yet I still allow myself to feel like I have somehow failed.

This is RETARDED. I am too smart to be this DUMB. It is time to adopt POSITIVITY for, to and about me. It is time to put the scale in the motherfarking DUMPSTER. It is time to eat well and live well because I am worth it regardless of what size pants I wear. This is my new day and I may have had a million of them so far but I got a million more to go and I plan to take advantage of every single one of them.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am more valuable than rubies, made in the image of the Creator of the whole universe. I was made with purpose and destiny to do things far bigger than myself. Before I was born He knew me, every hair on my head. This life is not about how I look and one of the greatest tricks the devil has ever played is convincing me and everyone else that ANYTHING about ascetics matters to ANYONE. This world has it so backwards, and it has influenced so much of my own self worth. I will not do it anymore. I simply, will, not.
SO- Cheers to an amazing start to 2014, the ability to be honest with yourself, take care of the only body that you have the best way you know how, and share your story and struggles with others so that NO ONE is left feeling alone because THAT is what it is about. Everything used for the good.

Nina Simone, Avocado Angels and Blue Haired Zumba.

 So eating is AWESOME. Especially because after my juicing fruits and veggies are more delicious than ever. I have no desire to have anything that I know is icky for me. EXCEPT Starbucks, which I partook in today. However, you have to realize that before the juicing I literally had a Venti of whatever mocha latte syrup dolce whip sugar probably twice a week if not more, on top of whatever coffee I had at home with chemical creamer. I know I know I know- everything about that is terrible for both my health and my bank account. I don't even drink caffeine so everything I have is decaf which seems idiotic to those of you who need the caffeine but I just really enjoy the taste of creamer with a bit of coffee. So today I googled (SURPRISE!), the most Paleo version of Starbucks I could get which was nothing I wanted but I did learn that the mocha flavoring they use is the only flavor that is not in syrup form but comes from a cocoa packet which has way less additives. I also read whole milk or heavy whip cream was the way to go if I had to have it. I got a tall (which is SO tiny I used to believe only children and Santas elves would want it), and it was really good. Before I would have needed like 4 sugar packets but today it was perfectly sweet enough and the tall was a perfect serving. I really enjoyed it until about 30min afterwards when I thought my guts were gonna explode. Pretty sure it was the caffeine/milk combo disagreeing with me. I didn't get decaf because apparently the decaffeinating process involves icky chemicals. Learning this was super sad because my anxiety issues do not mix well with caffeine so I won't be having nearly as much coffee.
Other than that I have been eating all produce, some cooked some not and eggs. I ate chicken, (a very small portion), tonight and my tummy seems to be okay with it. I will say though, cooking it wasn't super appetizing and it took a few bites for me to appreciate it. Not the case with the veggies! I have never enjoyed lightly cooked veggies with a little salt and pepper so much in my life. And OH avocado! Lord have mercy those things are straight from the heavens.

So I decided that Paleo is gonna be the way I go. I cannot get down with the no meat thing. I get it if you have animal cruelty issues, but there is so much info on the benefits of eating meat, provided it is grass fed and what not. (NOTE: I am totally against animal cruelty, however I don't think raising farm animals in a HEALTHY environment in order to eat them is cruel. I don't think chickens have feelings and a family that will miss them when they are gone.) I am much more worried about the grain/gluten thing than meat. I have been researching like a fiend trying to find recipes that are kid friendly. My daughter will be an easier sell than my son. She is super carnivorous and LOVES raw veggies. My son pretty much likes pizza and cheeseburgers. I have always been good about "You eat it or you are hungry", particularly at dinner time because I swore I would never be the mom that made Kraft dinner because her kids wouldn't eat what she cooked. That to say, they are accustomed to eat it or starve and I think we will be okay. Stellar parenting skills I know.
I also ventured back to the gym today since I had energy. I took a Zumba class I hadn't taken before because normally at 10am I am in school. I will call it, "Blue Hair Zumba" in acknowledgement of the fact that myself and maybe 5 other people were under 60. I wish I had had a GoPro on my head because it was pretty epic. The instructor was older too and not as rhythmic as most of them so that was awesome. Also, the woman in front of me who I ended up talking to after class was 62 and had a better body than I do. She probably could have out-Zumbad me as well. I asked her what her secret was and she told me "Never stop moving and eat what they tell you to eat", which I found out was mostly fruit and veggies coupled with Wheaties and soy milk. Her husband eats Cheerios for cholesterol but she doesn't like them, plus Wheaties have less additives. The funny thing is that soy is horrible for you, as is wheat, and this woman is healthy as a horse. Just goes to show that no one way of eating has all the answers for every person. My Nanny lived to be almost a zillion and all she ate was meat cooked in lard, veggies cooked in bacon fat and sweet tea. She also smoked like a chimney for 20 years and never exercised. Why did she live so long but Joe down the street is dying of cancer at 40? There is no answer to this question people!! The key is to do your research, figure out what makes sense to you and what works for your body and then live it out while INFORMING others but not shoving it down throats.
Off my soapbox I go!

Day Twelve.

There has been a breach.

So I was saying yesterday my blood sugar seems to be dipping low, which is super unnerving when it happens and I couldn't really pinpoint why it was happening other than maybe I wasn't drinking enough. Last night after I posted I had to take my son to an appointment. I had a big juice about 2 hours prior and by the time I got there I had to ask his Doc if she had anything to eat because the room was a little spinny. THANKFULLY she had some grapes, which was light years better than something processed, which I would have had to accept to avoid passing out. Point being I ate some grapes. When I got home about an hour later I also drank a bit of a Bolthouse brand premade protein shake, which isn't something I wanted but I needed a quick fix to make sure all was good before bed.

I don't understand what is going on. None of it makes sense because I am juicing a ton of greens, which provide protein, as well as fruits which provide sugar- but not too many fruits because I know I don't want too much sugar. I am also not exercising because after the Iron Mountain attempt it was clear that juicing and exercise was not in my personal cards. I am hydrated, drinking tons of water as well as tea and I am also well rested. Just don't make no kinda sense and it is highly frustrating being as how I am SO CLOSE to my goal!!! I feel like I have even avoided some of the Joe Cross recipes because they are super high in sugar. BAH. All that to say I am listening to my body and if I feel like I need to eat something I will. I had my juice this morning and within an hour and a half felt badly so I cooked up two eggs and some cherry tomatoes which seemed to level things out.

I don't think it is wise of me right now to go from this straight into the Master Cleanse though. I feel confident that for whatever reason my body is responding in a way that is not conducive to hopping on the only water, lemon and syrup train directly after this. I also spent some time talking to one of my most best friends in the whole world who just happens to be studying nutrition and she informed me that her opinion of the Master Cleanse is not good. I totally respect her understanding of health so I am gonna take it all in as wisdom and not do it. She also has some really thoughtful things to say about cleansing in general, particularly in correlation to faith. She mentioned that she felt like a lot of people, who don't know Jesus, spend a huge amount of time and energy on "removing toxins", (generally nameless ones), maybe partially because they recognize a sense of uncleanliness about themselves, but neglect to recognize that no amount of lemon water or coffee enema is going to reach or cleanse it. Jesus is the one who cleans house. Jesus takes the mistakes, pain, sadness, fear etc and makes you whole, not a diet. Don't get me wrong, I am still all for a healthy fast and I am SO glad I have done this for myself to start off the year, but like everything else, there has to be BALANCE.

At the end of the day our bodies are self healing. Can that be interrupted by not taking care of them? Of course!! If you have a cut on your hand and chose not to clean it well and then allow it to continue to get dirty would you expect anything other than infection? Probably not. That same cut, cleaned and taken care of will heal because that is what your body was made to do. Your insides are no different. Yes, I have years of unhealthy eating under my belt, but that is of little significance if I chose to change NOW. My healthy choices now will not only help prevent any further sickness or deterioration but also help reverse damage that has been done. Everyday is new my friends.

So, I am not beating myself up about eating prior to the end goal of my juicing, and I am also not saying there is anything wrong with juicing for as long as you feel well doing it. I am actually proud of myself for listening to my body and responding rather than pushing through it to stubbornly reach a goal or because maybe that two more days would have been two more pounds gone. I have spent my whole life looking at pounds instead of what is actually nourishing my body, so if feels good spend a moment, (and hopefully a LOT more moments), on the other side.

PS. Just because the juicing is ending doesn't mean my blog is! I hope you continue to follow me as I share recipes, frustrations and ideas about a healthier lifestyle!

Day Eleven.

Well at this point I am totally capable of throwing whatever is in my fridge in the juicer, squeezing half a lemon on it and drinking it without gagging. I decided last night to just make enough for my breakfast and lunch today cause I am SO tired of cleaning my juicer 3+ times a day. I was running low on produce so I grabbed whatever I had left and juiced it. Pretty sure it was something along the lines of red cabbage, cauliflower, celery, spinach, kale, cucumber a pear and a quarter of a pineapple. Red cabbage is really strong in flavor when you juice it, not something I would recommend to the faint of heart. I have tried to really keep my juices as low in sugar as possible, which is hard because the fruit and sugary veggies are what level out the green taste. Even veggies like carrots and beets are super high in sugar. Granted, the sugar you are getting from fruit and veggies is obviously better than processed, I am just a stickler about things. If I am gonna drink juice for 14 days to kick start my health, I am gonna drink the healthiest juice possible which in all actuality is whatever I can concoct with as little sugar as possible. I do have to also say though, I can pretty much stomach anything. If you put it in front of me and tell me its dinner most likely I will just choke it down and I know many people aren't able to do that. ALL THAT TO SAY, if you are juicing, really do try to not live on carrots and fruit as the base of your juices. For a great list of veggies and their benefits, click here.

I have found that my energy level is not as high as it was in the beginning. I definitely feel a little low in the blood sugar department if I don't drink 4 juices a day minimum, which is hard because I am just not hungry and they fill me right up. I think I took for granted how important it is to really have 4-6 glasses and it seems to be showing yesterday and today. For the rest of this ride I am certainly going to be more deliberate in my drinking instead of waiting to feel like I want something. The issue makes me a little nervous about the Master Cleanse. I tried explaining what my plan was to my Dad and he could not wrap his head around lemon water and syrup for 10 days. He told me to just go get a colonic and be done with it which is good advice, only you don't get the full cleanse in terms of toxins from throughout your ENTIRE body being removed. I am still gonna give it a go....much to my Dads dismay.

I think I am PMSing which is a crappy place to be on a juice fast. Pretty much been grouchy and wanting pizza and ice cream all day. Also having moments of "I cannot eat right forever, what am I doing, I should just throw it all out and get a Costco hotdog immediately." I think its the hormones but it sure is a far cry from my "YES WE CAN!" post yesterday.

 

Being a woman is dumb. The garlic seems to have worked as I have had no symptoms since yesterday when I finished the second round. I may never look at garlic bread the same again, but it was worth it. I'm gonna go mope now.