Because it is Necessary.

Apparently my last blog was more controversial than even I imagined it would be. I understand that no one likes to be called names, especially when the context hits very close to home. Perhaps as valid as I feel my argument is, it fell on deaf ears solely because of delivery. I wrote the blog and I was seriously frustrated in those moments. Wisdom would have told me to wait it out until I wasn't actually angry and THEN make my case. Clearly, that is not what I did, my bad, I missed the mark.

Prior to about 11 years ago I was not a nice person. I was a bitch, and I was proud of it and I wore it like a medal because it meant something to me that I held enough power to hurt people. It disgusts me to write that, but it is the truth and the handful of people who have known me for a long time would certainly vouch for that. However, it has been about 11 years since ANYONE, (that I know of) has accused me of being thoughtless, ugly, arrogant, bitchy or the sort of person who goes out of her way to tear people down. Until today, because of my last blog. I am sure you can imagine how hurtful that was being as how I have worked so tirelessly to constantly give people support, encouragement, listen and  advise. Obviously I am not delusional about my generally kind nature because people constantly come to me when they DO need someone to listen and lift them up and give them honest advice- without catering to what they want to hear. Most people in my life use me as a sound board and I don't think that would be the case if I was so harsh and was looking to tear people down. I am saying all of this in order to remind myself that one or two peoples opinion about who I am- none of whom REALLY know me, does not have the right to cause me to second guess what I know is GOOD nature in me.

Now, because I am writing this I also have to say again, I HAVE NOT ARRIVED. I think people may have read that last blog and because my execution so quickly put them on the defense they neglected to hear all those parts in which I ADMIT how FLAWED I am. I fall short constantly, I miss the mark more often than not, I can be arrogant and vain and prideful and whatever else negative you want to add. I am NOT ABOVE ONE PERSON. In some areas, maybe- but that is the whole point of relationships....you hope that those who love you "get it" in the areas you don't, thus iron sharpens iron. I have no problem humbling myself because I have no right to be anything but.

HOWEVER

I will not apologize for what I said in that blog. My delivery? Yes, I should have stepped back, calmed down and then spoken in a way that could not be construed as attack. I believe every bit of what I stated there to be true. Do people want to hear that their constant selfies, and self acknowledging Facebook status lead back to vanity? Nope. I don't like it either because again, I LOVE A GOOD SELFIE. However just because you don't like it doesn't make it false. Why do we feel the need to take countless pictures of ourselves? We know what we look like, mirrors are everywhere. Why do we feel the need to struggle and stress about how much we weigh or what size our pants are? Is it because it REALLY matters? Is it because the world will benefit so greatly by our ability to fit into a size 3? No. We care because we live in a world where almost all of our personal value is based in how we look. Not only how we look, but our determination and ability to look like whoever is considered pretty at the time.

I read this book years ago called "Unsqueezed" by Margot Starbuck. (Check out her site for more). It is this AMAZING book that really dives into just how far removed we are from Gods idea about what our body is for. In our culture our body is meant to be pleasing when viewed, whether by our partner, potential partner, strangers- whomever, all the emphasis is on whether or not we are physically pleasing enough to others, and if not how far we are willing to go to fix it. I won't go hardcore into plastic surgery here, (another area that I have struggled with and about and over through the years), but I will say if you look at something like breast augmentation or a tummy tuck from an outside perspective, say as a woman from a remote tribe in Africa, it would seem INSANE. Why would you need to fix something that isn't broken? Loose skin and wrinkly tummies are the result of the bodies AMAZING and RESILIANT ability to bear and feed babies. Will you look like you're 20 afterwards? No, probably not, but you aren't supposed to have the body of a 20 year old forever. And, if you feel as though your body is broken and needs repair after breastfeeding when your breasts will natually hang lower and lose volume, why is it that you feel that way? Who taught you that your breasts now are not just as acceptable as your breast prior? This world told you. Media told you. Models told you. "Medical advancement" told you. Lots and lots and lots of people and places and things have told you since before you were even old enough to think about your breasts.

You know who didn't tell you that? Who has never had any expectation about what breast type is most beautiful or even cared to think that breasts mattered aside from nourishing babies? God. The only thing He has ever said is that you are made in His image. That if He clothes the flowers of the field why then do you worry about what you will wear? He never cared about the nose you hate or that your laugh lines are deep and if Joan Rivers can be practically 100 and not have laugh lines then you shouldn't either. This problem is so much bigger than personal vanity. The vanity and need to be pretty enough, (whatever that means) are symptoms of a much bigger and much more deeply rooted lie and the lie is that you aren't good enough AS IS, whatever AS IS looks like for you. If as is means overweight, scarred by injuries or carrying babies, underweight because your body metabolizes too quickly and all you want is to have curves, big feet, little feet, small nose, thin lips, big nose, full lips.....WHATEVER that is IT IS ENOUGH.

I am not there. I beat myself up ALL THE DAMN TIME because I have been fed the same lies as everyone else my whole life about how I am not SOMETHING enough.  BUT I do see the flaws. I see the lies and I will not stop outing all of it even if and when I finally convince myself. If you love to eat, eat! But eat in a way that nourishes the inside of your body, and keeps that healthy rather than eating to maintain a certain weight. There is a fine line here I get it. Your body is a temple and it is the only one you get so you SHOULD take care of it the best way you know how, but if you are a curvy girl who loves chocolate, embrace the curves and let yourself have chocolate while at the same time doing what you need to to maintain health, not weight. If you love to work out because it relieves stress and gives you a rush, then by all means work out! Be fit! But please don't promote your body in a way that causes others to feel less than. If a six pack is important to you, work for it and be proud when you achieve it, but realize it isn't necessary to make sure the world knows you have it, that is taking what matters to you to another level. If you have a big nose learn to flare your nostrils and make people laugh. If you have big thick lips slather them in red lipstick and leave kisses on walls. If you have a tiny chest take advantage and never wear a bra! I could go on and on but hopefully at this point someone is understanding what I really should have said the first go round.

It was mentioned that this "motivation" that I ragged on so hard in that last blog was all about "empowerment" and "confidence". I can see that I guess. Running a mile when you couldn't even walk a full one is empowering. Losing the 10lbs you've carried for a year longer than you wanted will boost your confidence. But here is what I really want anyone who has made it to this sentence to read: What is your motive, and why? Why did it take loosing weight to get confidence? Why is proving to yourself that you can run empowering? Is who you are- who you really are at your core not enough to promote those feelings and if not, why is that????

That is all I got folks. Again, my apologies if my delivery last post was offensive or hurtful, if you know me you know that is NEVER EVER EVER my intention. I understand that my views are extreme and raw and progressive and perhaps push you to look at things you would rather not look at which is fine. If you don't wanna look or you wanna ignore me, you have that right. However, do not misconstrue my understanding of what is true and willingness to say it as being bitchy, or mean or arrogant. I cannot be arrogant if in the same sentence as I speak what I believe to be true, I tell you how far I am from it.