You may have noticed I changed my blog title. I figured since this became less and less about juicing I should change the title. I really love this song by Tori Amos called Silent All These Years, about realizing that you always had a voice, even when you didn't think you did, or didn't use it. This season of coming off of meds and realizing there have been times when I have remained silent and did not only myself a huge injustice but also those around me, keeps leading me back to that song, and those words. So there you have it, in case it mattered.
The Infinite Sadness has reared her head these past few days. For the past months I have certainly been much more emotional than I am accustomed to, but not in a good way these past few days. I am sure it is partially due to mother nature and her "one unfertilized egg play" (Cactus), which seems to trump any amount of normalcy I have fought to establish over the weeks prior. It may also be the fact that I have moved further and further away from the clean eating I KNEW I would need to really stick to in order to be successful coming off meds. I am sure I don't have to explain why sticking to that routine is so difficult, especially when I am the only one in my house doing it. So, slowly but surely the caffeine, sugar and wheat moved back into my diet. Not nearly as much as it was prior to this year but more than what it should be if I plan to win this war with my brain. All that to say, I am back at day one of no caffeine or sugar or wheat. This means I am tired and grouchy, but I DID really enjoy my veggie/protein hash lunch.
I haven't blogged about it, because frankly I don't want to, but I have had some major hurtles to jump in my home situation which led to dropping 3 classes and beginning therapy with my husband. The hurtles aren't new, I just decided I didn't want to jump over them anymore and in order to stay in the marriage race, my husband was gonna have to move them. I am being light here because first of all, what else can I be, secondly things ARE moving in a positive direction but only after my life spent about 2 weeks in complete implosion. I say this because I am sure it too is playing a part in my mental health.
Also, I have really amazing kids but parenting is hard. When you throw the pressure to always meet my kids halfway and do right by them so they don't ever end up where I have been on the pile of crap I just laid out for you, it is no surprise I may have shed a tear over a sink full of dirty dishes this morning.
I don't think the problem is that I cried because of dishes, (obviously that isn't normal, or something that happens often), I think my problem is that I do not want to allow myself to feel sad at all. I am still so convinced that sadness is weakness and it means I am crazy and if I need to cry for a reason that doesn't seem to make sense then something is wrong with me and I am destined to a life of medication in order to be normal. And not even just to be normal but to not be a nuisance to everyone in my life. I really believe that getting frustrated or sad and my reaction to those feelings is just bothersome to everyone. And I don't know where the middle ground is. I don't know because I never had anyone show me.
I am scared the mess I may make while figuring out life without medicine is going to negatively effect my kids. I am scared my being irrational sometimes or crying because I can't understand why after a week of asking them to PLEASE STOP FIGHTING, I am woken Friday morning by a fight, is going to do something terrible to them. I am scared that if I am not even keel all the time I am screwing them up. I know this is illogical thinking. I know that no one is always okay, (except me for the past 16 years), and there in lies the problem. My kids get so upset when I am clearly upset because they have never really seen me emotional about anything. I have set them up to believe I am always okay and nothing they say or do or anyone else says or does really effects me at all. So now that I am clearly not functioning that way at all, I am worried that somehow the "real me" is not a good thing to be, particularly in front of my kids.
UUUUGGGHHHHH. Life is hard. Life is so freaking hard.
I am pushing. I am reminding myself of all the truth I know is true and trying to read the right things and listen to the right things and lean into God and all that stuff, it's just really freaking hard.
Please don't misconstrue this as a personal need for reassurance, I just needed to work some things out in my own head and this is how I do it.
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