First things first, it is Eating Disorder Awareness Week so
if you are someone who struggles or has struggled with an eating disorder, from
over eating to under eating and everything in between, please take a moment to
evaluate where you are concerning those things and PLEASE reach out for help if
you need it! For those of you who don’t struggle, it is highly likely that
someone around you does so take the time to observe and reach out to those who
you feel like may need help or even to just extend a compliment to someone who
looks like they need it. Eating disorders only exist because of our cultures
unrealistic and unreachable beauty standards. PLEASE keep that fact knocking
around in your brain as you watch TV, see advertisements, etc. Be an advocate
for working towards change and growth on the INSIDE not struggle and shrinking
on the outside. Go here for more info.
Moving on from that, I am 6 days fully off medicine and I
don’t feel so hot. I have had what I can only assume are withdrawal symptoms
because I am not otherwise ill. My head has bothered me on and off, I have felt
dizzy and a little out of it. I am also struggling with learning what it means
to deal with “regular” emotions. For most of my life I have been regulated by
medicine. Things both little and big really did not make me feel anything, I
just figured out how to deal with the issue rather than having to deal with
feeling the issue.
This weekend my kids were REALLY on it. By on it I mean they
were bickering constantly and not listening to me and whining and all the other
things kids do on a regular basis that generally have had little to no effect
on my mood. Not so yesterday. I really thought I was going to cry and then have
to pick up my exploded head off the kitchen floor at one point. I was so exhausted
with telling them to stop it or don’t or asking why they couldn’t just >fill
in blank<. It really upset me and that is not something I am accustomed to
dealing with. I am so hyper aware of my emotions right now too because I am
trying to make sure that I am regulating them in a “normal” manner, but the
truth is that I really don’t know what that means. I had to ask a friend if my
feeling like I needed to cry and scream was okay or if something was wrong with
me.
It makes me so sad to think that at 31 years old I am really
terrible behind on the emotional understanding learning curve. I have been told
or assumed for so long that emotions are bad and too much of them are even
worse that I just genuinely don’t know how to be okay with feeling. I am going
to get myself into counseling so I can hash all of this out once this week
(which is really stressing me out because I feel like I have SO much going on I
don’t have time to breath- another thing I am not accustomed to feeling), is
over.
I jokingly told my mom that being off meds has helped me
understand why people do drugs. Life and feelings are hard, which makes weed
and wine seem like not such a bad idea. Obviously I have no plans to switch
from pharmaceuticals to wine in order to cope but I certainly understand the
appeal right now. I have never understood addiction because I have never needed
coping tools outside of my legal drugs, but even 5 days out of the med loop I
can say that I should not be so judgey towards people get caught in a cycle of
substance abuse as a way to deal with life. I know that is technically what I
have been doing for 15 years but no one calls that addiction we just call that
normal.
The bottom line is that I have signed up for a war. It may
only be against myself but I actually think that may be the worst kind. At least
when you are against someone you know your enemy and can run or hide or chose
to fight. When you are fighting against yourself there just isn’t anywhere to
go. I fully realize, as I have a few days into quitting meds every time I have
tried, that I am SO incapable of doing this on my own. The ONLY hope I have is
in a God who I believe is with me and keeps his promises.
Clearly I am not fit to handle life all by myself. I am
incapable of joy and peace as well as management of reality at the same time. I am in a place
right now where I believe God would have all of us be all the time, and that is
a place of complete dependence on Him. I wake up knowing the day will not be
well if He isn’t fully in it with me. I know I will lose my grip on any chance
at peace and joy if I for one moment assume those things will occur in my life
by my own works. I am completely dependent and it is hard.
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