You may have noticed I changed my blog title. I figured since this became less and less about juicing I should change the title. I really love this song by Tori Amos called Silent All These Years, about realizing that you always had a voice, even when you didn't think you did, or didn't use it. This season of coming off of meds and realizing there have been times when I have remained silent and did not only myself a huge injustice but also those around me, keeps leading me back to that song, and those words. So there you have it, in case it mattered.
The Infinite Sadness has reared her head these past few days. For the past months I have certainly been much more emotional than I am accustomed to, but not in a good way these past few days. I am sure it is partially due to mother nature and her "one unfertilized egg play" (Cactus), which seems to trump any amount of normalcy I have fought to establish over the weeks prior. It may also be the fact that I have moved further and further away from the clean eating I KNEW I would need to really stick to in order to be successful coming off meds. I am sure I don't have to explain why sticking to that routine is so difficult, especially when I am the only one in my house doing it. So, slowly but surely the caffeine, sugar and wheat moved back into my diet. Not nearly as much as it was prior to this year but more than what it should be if I plan to win this war with my brain. All that to say, I am back at day one of no caffeine or sugar or wheat. This means I am tired and grouchy, but I DID really enjoy my veggie/protein hash lunch.
I haven't blogged about it, because frankly I don't want to, but I have had some major hurtles to jump in my home situation which led to dropping 3 classes and beginning therapy with my husband. The hurtles aren't new, I just decided I didn't want to jump over them anymore and in order to stay in the marriage race, my husband was gonna have to move them. I am being light here because first of all, what else can I be, secondly things ARE moving in a positive direction but only after my life spent about 2 weeks in complete implosion. I say this because I am sure it too is playing a part in my mental health.
Also, I have really amazing kids but parenting is hard. When you throw the pressure to always meet my kids halfway and do right by them so they don't ever end up where I have been on the pile of crap I just laid out for you, it is no surprise I may have shed a tear over a sink full of dirty dishes this morning.
I don't think the problem is that I cried because of dishes, (obviously that isn't normal, or something that happens often), I think my problem is that I do not want to allow myself to feel sad at all. I am still so convinced that sadness is weakness and it means I am crazy and if I need to cry for a reason that doesn't seem to make sense then something is wrong with me and I am destined to a life of medication in order to be normal. And not even just to be normal but to not be a nuisance to everyone in my life. I really believe that getting frustrated or sad and my reaction to those feelings is just bothersome to everyone. And I don't know where the middle ground is. I don't know because I never had anyone show me.
I am scared the mess I may make while figuring out life without medicine is going to negatively effect my kids. I am scared my being irrational sometimes or crying because I can't understand why after a week of asking them to PLEASE STOP FIGHTING, I am woken Friday morning by a fight, is going to do something terrible to them. I am scared that if I am not even keel all the time I am screwing them up. I know this is illogical thinking. I know that no one is always okay, (except me for the past 16 years), and there in lies the problem. My kids get so upset when I am clearly upset because they have never really seen me emotional about anything. I have set them up to believe I am always okay and nothing they say or do or anyone else says or does really effects me at all. So now that I am clearly not functioning that way at all, I am worried that somehow the "real me" is not a good thing to be, particularly in front of my kids.
UUUUGGGHHHHH. Life is hard. Life is so freaking hard.
I am pushing. I am reminding myself of all the truth I know is true and trying to read the right things and listen to the right things and lean into God and all that stuff, it's just really freaking hard.
Please don't misconstrue this as a personal need for reassurance, I just needed to work some things out in my own head and this is how I do it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Because it is Necessary.
Apparently my last blog was more controversial than even I imagined it would be. I understand that no one likes to be called names, especially when the context hits very close to home. Perhaps as valid as I feel my argument is, it fell on deaf ears solely because of delivery. I wrote the blog and I was seriously frustrated in those moments. Wisdom would have told me to wait it out until I wasn't actually angry and THEN make my case. Clearly, that is not what I did, my bad, I missed the mark.
Prior to about 11 years ago I was not a nice person. I was a bitch, and I was proud of it and I wore it like a medal because it meant something to me that I held enough power to hurt people. It disgusts me to write that, but it is the truth and the handful of people who have known me for a long time would certainly vouch for that. However, it has been about 11 years since ANYONE, (that I know of) has accused me of being thoughtless, ugly, arrogant, bitchy or the sort of person who goes out of her way to tear people down. Until today, because of my last blog. I am sure you can imagine how hurtful that was being as how I have worked so tirelessly to constantly give people support, encouragement, listen and advise. Obviously I am not delusional about my generally kind nature because people constantly come to me when they DO need someone to listen and lift them up and give them honest advice- without catering to what they want to hear. Most people in my life use me as a sound board and I don't think that would be the case if I was so harsh and was looking to tear people down. I am saying all of this in order to remind myself that one or two peoples opinion about who I am- none of whom REALLY know me, does not have the right to cause me to second guess what I know is GOOD nature in me.
Now, because I am writing this I also have to say again, I HAVE NOT ARRIVED. I think people may have read that last blog and because my execution so quickly put them on the defense they neglected to hear all those parts in which I ADMIT how FLAWED I am. I fall short constantly, I miss the mark more often than not, I can be arrogant and vain and prideful and whatever else negative you want to add. I am NOT ABOVE ONE PERSON. In some areas, maybe- but that is the whole point of relationships....you hope that those who love you "get it" in the areas you don't, thus iron sharpens iron. I have no problem humbling myself because I have no right to be anything but.
HOWEVER
I will not apologize for what I said in that blog. My delivery? Yes, I should have stepped back, calmed down and then spoken in a way that could not be construed as attack. I believe every bit of what I stated there to be true. Do people want to hear that their constant selfies, and self acknowledging Facebook status lead back to vanity? Nope. I don't like it either because again, I LOVE A GOOD SELFIE. However just because you don't like it doesn't make it false. Why do we feel the need to take countless pictures of ourselves? We know what we look like, mirrors are everywhere. Why do we feel the need to struggle and stress about how much we weigh or what size our pants are? Is it because it REALLY matters? Is it because the world will benefit so greatly by our ability to fit into a size 3? No. We care because we live in a world where almost all of our personal value is based in how we look. Not only how we look, but our determination and ability to look like whoever is considered pretty at the time.
I read this book years ago called "Unsqueezed" by Margot Starbuck. (Check out her site for more). It is this AMAZING book that really dives into just how far removed we are from Gods idea about what our body is for. In our culture our body is meant to be pleasing when viewed, whether by our partner, potential partner, strangers- whomever, all the emphasis is on whether or not we are physically pleasing enough to others, and if not how far we are willing to go to fix it. I won't go hardcore into plastic surgery here, (another area that I have struggled with and about and over through the years), but I will say if you look at something like breast augmentation or a tummy tuck from an outside perspective, say as a woman from a remote tribe in Africa, it would seem INSANE. Why would you need to fix something that isn't broken? Loose skin and wrinkly tummies are the result of the bodies AMAZING and RESILIANT ability to bear and feed babies. Will you look like you're 20 afterwards? No, probably not, but you aren't supposed to have the body of a 20 year old forever. And, if you feel as though your body is broken and needs repair after breastfeeding when your breasts will natually hang lower and lose volume, why is it that you feel that way? Who taught you that your breasts now are not just as acceptable as your breast prior? This world told you. Media told you. Models told you. "Medical advancement" told you. Lots and lots and lots of people and places and things have told you since before you were even old enough to think about your breasts.
You know who didn't tell you that? Who has never had any expectation about what breast type is most beautiful or even cared to think that breasts mattered aside from nourishing babies? God. The only thing He has ever said is that you are made in His image. That if He clothes the flowers of the field why then do you worry about what you will wear? He never cared about the nose you hate or that your laugh lines are deep and if Joan Rivers can be practically 100 and not have laugh lines then you shouldn't either. This problem is so much bigger than personal vanity. The vanity and need to be pretty enough, (whatever that means) are symptoms of a much bigger and much more deeply rooted lie and the lie is that you aren't good enough AS IS, whatever AS IS looks like for you. If as is means overweight, scarred by injuries or carrying babies, underweight because your body metabolizes too quickly and all you want is to have curves, big feet, little feet, small nose, thin lips, big nose, full lips.....WHATEVER that is IT IS ENOUGH.
I am not there. I beat myself up ALL THE DAMN TIME because I have been fed the same lies as everyone else my whole life about how I am not SOMETHING enough. BUT I do see the flaws. I see the lies and I will not stop outing all of it even if and when I finally convince myself. If you love to eat, eat! But eat in a way that nourishes the inside of your body, and keeps that healthy rather than eating to maintain a certain weight. There is a fine line here I get it. Your body is a temple and it is the only one you get so you SHOULD take care of it the best way you know how, but if you are a curvy girl who loves chocolate, embrace the curves and let yourself have chocolate while at the same time doing what you need to to maintain health, not weight. If you love to work out because it relieves stress and gives you a rush, then by all means work out! Be fit! But please don't promote your body in a way that causes others to feel less than. If a six pack is important to you, work for it and be proud when you achieve it, but realize it isn't necessary to make sure the world knows you have it, that is taking what matters to you to another level. If you have a big nose learn to flare your nostrils and make people laugh. If you have big thick lips slather them in red lipstick and leave kisses on walls. If you have a tiny chest take advantage and never wear a bra! I could go on and on but hopefully at this point someone is understanding what I really should have said the first go round.
It was mentioned that this "motivation" that I ragged on so hard in that last blog was all about "empowerment" and "confidence". I can see that I guess. Running a mile when you couldn't even walk a full one is empowering. Losing the 10lbs you've carried for a year longer than you wanted will boost your confidence. But here is what I really want anyone who has made it to this sentence to read: What is your motive, and why? Why did it take loosing weight to get confidence? Why is proving to yourself that you can run empowering? Is who you are- who you really are at your core not enough to promote those feelings and if not, why is that????
That is all I got folks. Again, my apologies if my delivery last post was offensive or hurtful, if you know me you know that is NEVER EVER EVER my intention. I understand that my views are extreme and raw and progressive and perhaps push you to look at things you would rather not look at which is fine. If you don't wanna look or you wanna ignore me, you have that right. However, do not misconstrue my understanding of what is true and willingness to say it as being bitchy, or mean or arrogant. I cannot be arrogant if in the same sentence as I speak what I believe to be true, I tell you how far I am from it.
Prior to about 11 years ago I was not a nice person. I was a bitch, and I was proud of it and I wore it like a medal because it meant something to me that I held enough power to hurt people. It disgusts me to write that, but it is the truth and the handful of people who have known me for a long time would certainly vouch for that. However, it has been about 11 years since ANYONE, (that I know of) has accused me of being thoughtless, ugly, arrogant, bitchy or the sort of person who goes out of her way to tear people down. Until today, because of my last blog. I am sure you can imagine how hurtful that was being as how I have worked so tirelessly to constantly give people support, encouragement, listen and advise. Obviously I am not delusional about my generally kind nature because people constantly come to me when they DO need someone to listen and lift them up and give them honest advice- without catering to what they want to hear. Most people in my life use me as a sound board and I don't think that would be the case if I was so harsh and was looking to tear people down. I am saying all of this in order to remind myself that one or two peoples opinion about who I am- none of whom REALLY know me, does not have the right to cause me to second guess what I know is GOOD nature in me.
Now, because I am writing this I also have to say again, I HAVE NOT ARRIVED. I think people may have read that last blog and because my execution so quickly put them on the defense they neglected to hear all those parts in which I ADMIT how FLAWED I am. I fall short constantly, I miss the mark more often than not, I can be arrogant and vain and prideful and whatever else negative you want to add. I am NOT ABOVE ONE PERSON. In some areas, maybe- but that is the whole point of relationships....you hope that those who love you "get it" in the areas you don't, thus iron sharpens iron. I have no problem humbling myself because I have no right to be anything but.
HOWEVER
I will not apologize for what I said in that blog. My delivery? Yes, I should have stepped back, calmed down and then spoken in a way that could not be construed as attack. I believe every bit of what I stated there to be true. Do people want to hear that their constant selfies, and self acknowledging Facebook status lead back to vanity? Nope. I don't like it either because again, I LOVE A GOOD SELFIE. However just because you don't like it doesn't make it false. Why do we feel the need to take countless pictures of ourselves? We know what we look like, mirrors are everywhere. Why do we feel the need to struggle and stress about how much we weigh or what size our pants are? Is it because it REALLY matters? Is it because the world will benefit so greatly by our ability to fit into a size 3? No. We care because we live in a world where almost all of our personal value is based in how we look. Not only how we look, but our determination and ability to look like whoever is considered pretty at the time.
I read this book years ago called "Unsqueezed" by Margot Starbuck. (Check out her site for more). It is this AMAZING book that really dives into just how far removed we are from Gods idea about what our body is for. In our culture our body is meant to be pleasing when viewed, whether by our partner, potential partner, strangers- whomever, all the emphasis is on whether or not we are physically pleasing enough to others, and if not how far we are willing to go to fix it. I won't go hardcore into plastic surgery here, (another area that I have struggled with and about and over through the years), but I will say if you look at something like breast augmentation or a tummy tuck from an outside perspective, say as a woman from a remote tribe in Africa, it would seem INSANE. Why would you need to fix something that isn't broken? Loose skin and wrinkly tummies are the result of the bodies AMAZING and RESILIANT ability to bear and feed babies. Will you look like you're 20 afterwards? No, probably not, but you aren't supposed to have the body of a 20 year old forever. And, if you feel as though your body is broken and needs repair after breastfeeding when your breasts will natually hang lower and lose volume, why is it that you feel that way? Who taught you that your breasts now are not just as acceptable as your breast prior? This world told you. Media told you. Models told you. "Medical advancement" told you. Lots and lots and lots of people and places and things have told you since before you were even old enough to think about your breasts.
You know who didn't tell you that? Who has never had any expectation about what breast type is most beautiful or even cared to think that breasts mattered aside from nourishing babies? God. The only thing He has ever said is that you are made in His image. That if He clothes the flowers of the field why then do you worry about what you will wear? He never cared about the nose you hate or that your laugh lines are deep and if Joan Rivers can be practically 100 and not have laugh lines then you shouldn't either. This problem is so much bigger than personal vanity. The vanity and need to be pretty enough, (whatever that means) are symptoms of a much bigger and much more deeply rooted lie and the lie is that you aren't good enough AS IS, whatever AS IS looks like for you. If as is means overweight, scarred by injuries or carrying babies, underweight because your body metabolizes too quickly and all you want is to have curves, big feet, little feet, small nose, thin lips, big nose, full lips.....WHATEVER that is IT IS ENOUGH.
I am not there. I beat myself up ALL THE DAMN TIME because I have been fed the same lies as everyone else my whole life about how I am not SOMETHING enough. BUT I do see the flaws. I see the lies and I will not stop outing all of it even if and when I finally convince myself. If you love to eat, eat! But eat in a way that nourishes the inside of your body, and keeps that healthy rather than eating to maintain a certain weight. There is a fine line here I get it. Your body is a temple and it is the only one you get so you SHOULD take care of it the best way you know how, but if you are a curvy girl who loves chocolate, embrace the curves and let yourself have chocolate while at the same time doing what you need to to maintain health, not weight. If you love to work out because it relieves stress and gives you a rush, then by all means work out! Be fit! But please don't promote your body in a way that causes others to feel less than. If a six pack is important to you, work for it and be proud when you achieve it, but realize it isn't necessary to make sure the world knows you have it, that is taking what matters to you to another level. If you have a big nose learn to flare your nostrils and make people laugh. If you have big thick lips slather them in red lipstick and leave kisses on walls. If you have a tiny chest take advantage and never wear a bra! I could go on and on but hopefully at this point someone is understanding what I really should have said the first go round.
It was mentioned that this "motivation" that I ragged on so hard in that last blog was all about "empowerment" and "confidence". I can see that I guess. Running a mile when you couldn't even walk a full one is empowering. Losing the 10lbs you've carried for a year longer than you wanted will boost your confidence. But here is what I really want anyone who has made it to this sentence to read: What is your motive, and why? Why did it take loosing weight to get confidence? Why is proving to yourself that you can run empowering? Is who you are- who you really are at your core not enough to promote those feelings and if not, why is that????
That is all I got folks. Again, my apologies if my delivery last post was offensive or hurtful, if you know me you know that is NEVER EVER EVER my intention. I understand that my views are extreme and raw and progressive and perhaps push you to look at things you would rather not look at which is fine. If you don't wanna look or you wanna ignore me, you have that right. However, do not misconstrue my understanding of what is true and willingness to say it as being bitchy, or mean or arrogant. I cannot be arrogant if in the same sentence as I speak what I believe to be true, I tell you how far I am from it.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
To Rant Is To Realize.
I just have to get this off my chest, because I have a feeling that I am not a minority here.
I am so tired of seeing "no excuse" weight loss/muscle building motivational posters. Here, lets look at some:
Disclaimer: The idea of "no excuses" in and of itself is not inherently bad. What I am taking issue with is the constant plastering of this form of "motivation" in terms of "fitness".
First off, being strong and fit has little to nothing to do with how ascetically pleasing you look based on cultural beauty standards. You do not have to lift and have major muscle definition to be strong, you do no have to spend your life on a treadmill to be fit. Some people don't care about muscle definition and their lack of concern does not equate to an excuse.
EXAMPLE: I am not a toned individual. I hate the gym. I hate it with a passion. Would I take a gift offered to me by the magical over night toning fairy? Sure, but my hating the gym and every moment I spend there trumps my concern for being ripped. I am not willing to be miserable in order to reach an unnecessary fitness goal that in all actuality can only be traced back to my own personal vanity. That is not an EXCUSE it is a personal choice.
This leads me to second point, vanity. I don't care what you say, or how long you try to argue with me about what you say, your desire to look like a Barbie/Ken, or super toned Barbie/Ken, or >insert beauty ideal here< Barbie/Ken, has NOTHING TO DO with health. NOTHING. Health = 30min a day with your heart rate up. 30min a day with your heart rate up will never = Barbie/Ken in any form, unless you have genetics MAJORLY on your side. This means if I play 30 min straight of Just Dance with my kids on the "sweat setting" at least 4 times a week, I am doing reasonably well maintaining heart health. Anything beyond this is a personal preference that again has NOTHING to do with excuses.
I can say all this because I have been on EVERY SIDE of this fence. I have eaten, thrown up, not eaten, over exercised while under eating, under exercised while overeating- I GET IT. I have EARNED my right to this opinion. I am just SO tired of "fitspiration" that consists of some 8 packed individual exercising half naked. That is no kind of inspiration, that is vanity and it only serves to make people feel like that is the only ideal there is, and if they can't attain that then something is inherently wrong with them. It is an excuse for people who DO care more than what I would consider normal about body type, to show off and quite frankly it is bullshit. You want to spend 4 hours a day exercising- good for you, great, awesome, but when someone else doesn't which means they won't ever look like you, don't call their reasons excuses. AND STOP TAKING SELFIES IN YOUR DAMN SPORTS BRA. GET OVER YOURSELF. You're VAIN, the end.
NOW, do I deal with vanity? Yes. More so than I would like sometimes. I am certainly a fan of a flattering selfie, because, and I am about to quote my pastor here, "On some level we are ALL just living for the 'like' button." It's true. If we weren't things like Instagram and Facebook wouldn't be what they are. Generally every time we post to social media we are saying "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look what my friends can do! I am awesome! You should like me!" It is at epidemic level and I struggle with it just like everyone else. What I don't do is take pictures or post things that would in anyway make others feel like they are less than because of who I am. If I had a 6 pack maybe I wouldn't be able to say that. I am not immune. But I am AWARE and I feel like that is much more rare than it should be.
Vanity generally stems from insecurity. "If I can only LOOK perfect enough, who I am will be less significant." "If I am pretty/handsome people will like me." This is not truth. You want to be inspirational??? Post a picture of yourself on your WORST day, and be secure enough in who you are to laugh at it. Post or talk about things that DON'T revolve around your workout or what you ate for dinner. I AM PREACHING TO MYSELF HERE. Please don't get it twisted I am guilty of ALL OF THESE THINGS but I am trying to convince myself of these truths that I share with anyone who will listen. I am not holier than thou, I can be vain and arrogant and proud like everyone else but I know the damage it is causing not only to myself but to the people watching me.
I know this went from a rant to an admission of wrongs to I don't know what and if you have stuck out to the end, I really hope some portion of what I said makes sense to you. Being healthy and happy are different for everyone. If for you that looks like a ton of gym time and rock hard abs, fine, but stop pushing it and flaunting it because you are only serving to make others MORE insecure. You know what, (lightbulb JUST went off):
Good grief, life has nothing to do with how you look. The end.
I am so tired of seeing "no excuse" weight loss/muscle building motivational posters. Here, lets look at some:
Disclaimer: The idea of "no excuses" in and of itself is not inherently bad. What I am taking issue with is the constant plastering of this form of "motivation" in terms of "fitness".
First off, being strong and fit has little to nothing to do with how ascetically pleasing you look based on cultural beauty standards. You do not have to lift and have major muscle definition to be strong, you do no have to spend your life on a treadmill to be fit. Some people don't care about muscle definition and their lack of concern does not equate to an excuse.
EXAMPLE: I am not a toned individual. I hate the gym. I hate it with a passion. Would I take a gift offered to me by the magical over night toning fairy? Sure, but my hating the gym and every moment I spend there trumps my concern for being ripped. I am not willing to be miserable in order to reach an unnecessary fitness goal that in all actuality can only be traced back to my own personal vanity. That is not an EXCUSE it is a personal choice.
This leads me to second point, vanity. I don't care what you say, or how long you try to argue with me about what you say, your desire to look like a Barbie/Ken, or super toned Barbie/Ken, or >insert beauty ideal here< Barbie/Ken, has NOTHING TO DO with health. NOTHING. Health = 30min a day with your heart rate up. 30min a day with your heart rate up will never = Barbie/Ken in any form, unless you have genetics MAJORLY on your side. This means if I play 30 min straight of Just Dance with my kids on the "sweat setting" at least 4 times a week, I am doing reasonably well maintaining heart health. Anything beyond this is a personal preference that again has NOTHING to do with excuses.
I can say all this because I have been on EVERY SIDE of this fence. I have eaten, thrown up, not eaten, over exercised while under eating, under exercised while overeating- I GET IT. I have EARNED my right to this opinion. I am just SO tired of "fitspiration" that consists of some 8 packed individual exercising half naked. That is no kind of inspiration, that is vanity and it only serves to make people feel like that is the only ideal there is, and if they can't attain that then something is inherently wrong with them. It is an excuse for people who DO care more than what I would consider normal about body type, to show off and quite frankly it is bullshit. You want to spend 4 hours a day exercising- good for you, great, awesome, but when someone else doesn't which means they won't ever look like you, don't call their reasons excuses. AND STOP TAKING SELFIES IN YOUR DAMN SPORTS BRA. GET OVER YOURSELF. You're VAIN, the end.
NOW, do I deal with vanity? Yes. More so than I would like sometimes. I am certainly a fan of a flattering selfie, because, and I am about to quote my pastor here, "On some level we are ALL just living for the 'like' button." It's true. If we weren't things like Instagram and Facebook wouldn't be what they are. Generally every time we post to social media we are saying "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look what my friends can do! I am awesome! You should like me!" It is at epidemic level and I struggle with it just like everyone else. What I don't do is take pictures or post things that would in anyway make others feel like they are less than because of who I am. If I had a 6 pack maybe I wouldn't be able to say that. I am not immune. But I am AWARE and I feel like that is much more rare than it should be.
Vanity generally stems from insecurity. "If I can only LOOK perfect enough, who I am will be less significant." "If I am pretty/handsome people will like me." This is not truth. You want to be inspirational??? Post a picture of yourself on your WORST day, and be secure enough in who you are to laugh at it. Post or talk about things that DON'T revolve around your workout or what you ate for dinner. I AM PREACHING TO MYSELF HERE. Please don't get it twisted I am guilty of ALL OF THESE THINGS but I am trying to convince myself of these truths that I share with anyone who will listen. I am not holier than thou, I can be vain and arrogant and proud like everyone else but I know the damage it is causing not only to myself but to the people watching me.
I know this went from a rant to an admission of wrongs to I don't know what and if you have stuck out to the end, I really hope some portion of what I said makes sense to you. Being healthy and happy are different for everyone. If for you that looks like a ton of gym time and rock hard abs, fine, but stop pushing it and flaunting it because you are only serving to make others MORE insecure. You know what, (lightbulb JUST went off):
The problem is not who thinks or does what about "physical fitness", the problem is that it is so insignificant in the learning, growing, uplifting, areas of ourselves and our relationships with others that it is a SHAME we talk or post pictures about it AT ALL. What are you doing
that means something to someone other than you???
Good grief, life has nothing to do with how you look. The end.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
PLEASE READ.
This is my first blog in a minute, and it has nothing to do with food, or my life or whatever else I usually choose to write about. PLEASE take 5 (okay maybe 10) minutes to read this, and consider what I am saying. I don't care what your faith or religious ideas are, I care that you are a HUMAN and that you should have compassion and conviction about things that are happening on the same planet as you and whatever comfortable life you are living. I am going to say things that may make you angry at me, and if they do it is probably a strong indicator that I am right. See, you already didn't like that.
Ever since I really started learning about Jesus, my heart has continually grown larger than my wallet. Have I always tithed properly? No. Have I always given when I could? No. However I do consider myself to be highly compassionate as well as giving, regardless of circumstance. I rarely pass a homeless person without emptying my pockets of whatever change or small bills I have. I don't smell the alcohol and walk by them righteously thinking to myself, "Ha. If they think I am gonna give them MY money so they can blow it on booze they are sorely mistaken!" What I do is recognize the flawed person in front of me, begging for money to spend on whatever, is not so far removed from who I am- I have just been a whole lot luckier. (Not really lucky, blessed, but I don't want the fact that I believe in Jesus to turn you off from what I am saying). Because lets be real here, there were PLENTY of times that my bad choices could have landed me in a place in which I was dependent on someone for something or everything, and you would be lying to yourself to say otherwise. The money I give isn't about what they do with it, it's about my compassion towards them without any judgement because judging is not my place. BUT this is not about me. This is about YOU.
First lets look at some statistics from the World Food Programme
842 million people in the world do not have enough to eat. This number has fallen by only 17 percent since 1990.
The vast majority of hungry people (827 million) live in developing countries, where 14.3 percent of the population is undernourished.
Poor nutrition causes nearly half (45%) of deaths in children under five - 3.1 million children each
year.
One out of six children -- roughly 100 million -- in developing countries is underweight.
One in four of the world's children are stunted. In developing countries the proportion can rise to one in three.
80 percent of the world's stunted children live in just 20 countries.
WFP calculates that US$3.2 billion is needed per year to reach all 66 million hungry school-age children.
I WANT YOU TO READ THAT LAST ONE AGAIN. $3.2 billion is a big number isn't it? Does it feel as big when I tell you that DESPITE a decrease in sales, America spent "$57.4 billion during the four days beginning with the Nov. 28 Thanksgiving holiday, according to a survey commissioned by the National Retail Federation." according to bloomburg.com.
I am not even going to do the math there as to how many years worth of food could be provided with the money we spend on wrapping paper and sweaters and toys and whatever else it is we want. Don't get me wrong here, wants are not bad. What is bad is that our sense of entitlement to have what we want comes at a great cost to others.
You cannot UNSEE the truth I just laid in front of you, and you are now therefor responsible for what you do with that truth. Here in America we like to think things like "Well, that isn't my problem, someone should tell those people to stop having babies," and "Those people need to just pull themselves up by the boot straps cause I am a self made man and they should be too!" OR, maybe you are just thinking, "That is so awful and I wish there was something I could do, but I just can't because the little bit I could give just won't do anything....and how do I even know where my money is going anyway??" Both of those ways of thinking are WRONG. (Here is where you get mad at me, maybe.) First off, here in the good ol USA our version of a problem is a huge fall in economy leading to homelessness, which is a HUGE problem, (please do not think I don't recognize that). However (comma), we offer shelters, warm meals, underpasses, sidewalks teeming with people who will usually toss a quarter in the bucket. We have trash cans full of discarded food because we were SO FREAKING FULL from the enormous portion size we were served at lunch we didn't even want to have to carry the LEFTOVERS to our CAR. Being homeless in America does not come close to the poverty people are living in other countries. At our very worst we are STILL DOING BETTER than the faces behind the statistics I just gave you.
I could go on and on and on but really I just gave you MORE than enough reasons to DO SOMETHING. My family and I have supported a child through World Vision for about 5 years. We pay $35 a month (tax deductible if you are so inclined), automatically removed from our account and used in order to give this particular child food and education, which may seem menial to us but is ABSOLUTELY LIFE ALTERING FOR HIM. We get pictures, updates, can send cards, packages as well as buying things for his family like chickens for eggs or goats for milk through the website, at a very small price to us, (or you can do none of that and still support the child). World Vision has been around for a long time and is a legit humanitarian organization, click here to learn more.
Today Presley and I attended a Ugandan Children's Choir performance and had the blatant and obvious opportunity to change a life by sponsoring another child. I thought it would be cool for her to pick out a girl, the same way I encouraged Jesiah to pick a boy his own age 5 years ago. Today we adopted our second sponsor child through Childcare Worldwide, another legitimate organization (site here).
Now, not only have I shared with you the reality of hunger and poverty facing children across the globe, I have also spared you the work of having to dig up some hopefully legitimate organization. Unfortunately that is all I can do. From here YOU have to do the rest. YOU have to choose to let go of your weekly Starbucks or Cosmo subscription or gym membership you don't even use or the $50 dinner check you cover every week even though there is food at home. I am talking to myself here too- I am not judging your Cosmo subscription (well maybe I am judging that one), I am just trying to paint a picture of what ALL of us look like. You cannot tell me you don't have $35 a month, because if you are sitting at computer in your house, bag of Lays next to you right now, stuffed from the pizza you ordered combined with the Coke bubbles fizzing in your stomach while you debate which of your 450 channels to watch before you fall fast asleep in your pillow topped bed, YOU HAVE $35 a month.
So most likely you can't use money as your excuse. You wanna shrug it off as not your problem, as if a child has ANY say in the world they are brought into, and you can live with that, go ahead. But let me remind you whether you call it "reaping and sowing" or "karma" or "what goes around comes around", IT DOES and YOU WILL. You get what you give and if there has EVER been a reason to give here it is. If you want to use the "one person can't change anything" excuse, you can do that too, only I am one person and I am changing the lives of TWO people as we speak which I think is pretty freaking significant. One baby with hope is more than NO babies with hope.
PLEASE CONSIDER WHAT I AM SAYING HERE. IT COSTS YOU SO LITTLE. IT IS NOT A SCAM OR A PLOY IT IS LIVES. You do not even have to write a monthly check you can automate it! If you are my friend or family, I am challenging you right now, ONE KID. Go and pick ONE kid from one of these sites, (web address listed above). Commit to a year and if it is breaking the bank then end it after that but for GODS SAKE TRY TO DO SOMETHING.
Acknowledge this world is bigger than your own backyard and YOU ARE NEEDED.
If you accept this challenge PLEASE contact me because it is a prayer answered and I would love to know. You can email me at abdecker82@yahoo.com- you don't even have to tell me anything other than "I am sponsoring a child!" in the subject line. If this moves you, don't just sponsor a child, encourage your friends and family (link this blog on your FB, tweet it, whatever). Our nation alone is capable of ending world hunger and it CAN start with YOU.
Lastly, and I promise I am done after this, here are some progression photos of our World Vision child, (we lost one or two along the way), as well as a photo of the child we just signed up to help; both are in India.
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PS. If the animal cruelty commercials seem to have more of an effect on you than what I have just presented, you may want to begin to ask yourself some serious questions about your priorities. JS.
Ever since I really started learning about Jesus, my heart has continually grown larger than my wallet. Have I always tithed properly? No. Have I always given when I could? No. However I do consider myself to be highly compassionate as well as giving, regardless of circumstance. I rarely pass a homeless person without emptying my pockets of whatever change or small bills I have. I don't smell the alcohol and walk by them righteously thinking to myself, "Ha. If they think I am gonna give them MY money so they can blow it on booze they are sorely mistaken!" What I do is recognize the flawed person in front of me, begging for money to spend on whatever, is not so far removed from who I am- I have just been a whole lot luckier. (Not really lucky, blessed, but I don't want the fact that I believe in Jesus to turn you off from what I am saying). Because lets be real here, there were PLENTY of times that my bad choices could have landed me in a place in which I was dependent on someone for something or everything, and you would be lying to yourself to say otherwise. The money I give isn't about what they do with it, it's about my compassion towards them without any judgement because judging is not my place. BUT this is not about me. This is about YOU.
First lets look at some statistics from the World Food Programme
842 million people in the world do not have enough to eat. This number has fallen by only 17 percent since 1990.
One in four of the world's children are stunted. In developing countries the proportion can rise to one in three.
80 percent of the world's stunted children live in just 20 countries.
WFP calculates that US$3.2 billion is needed per year to reach all 66 million hungry school-age children.
I WANT YOU TO READ THAT LAST ONE AGAIN. $3.2 billion is a big number isn't it? Does it feel as big when I tell you that DESPITE a decrease in sales, America spent "$57.4 billion during the four days beginning with the Nov. 28 Thanksgiving holiday, according to a survey commissioned by the National Retail Federation." according to bloomburg.com.
I am not even going to do the math there as to how many years worth of food could be provided with the money we spend on wrapping paper and sweaters and toys and whatever else it is we want. Don't get me wrong here, wants are not bad. What is bad is that our sense of entitlement to have what we want comes at a great cost to others.
You cannot UNSEE the truth I just laid in front of you, and you are now therefor responsible for what you do with that truth. Here in America we like to think things like "Well, that isn't my problem, someone should tell those people to stop having babies," and "Those people need to just pull themselves up by the boot straps cause I am a self made man and they should be too!" OR, maybe you are just thinking, "That is so awful and I wish there was something I could do, but I just can't because the little bit I could give just won't do anything....and how do I even know where my money is going anyway??" Both of those ways of thinking are WRONG. (Here is where you get mad at me, maybe.) First off, here in the good ol USA our version of a problem is a huge fall in economy leading to homelessness, which is a HUGE problem, (please do not think I don't recognize that). However (comma), we offer shelters, warm meals, underpasses, sidewalks teeming with people who will usually toss a quarter in the bucket. We have trash cans full of discarded food because we were SO FREAKING FULL from the enormous portion size we were served at lunch we didn't even want to have to carry the LEFTOVERS to our CAR. Being homeless in America does not come close to the poverty people are living in other countries. At our very worst we are STILL DOING BETTER than the faces behind the statistics I just gave you.
I could go on and on and on but really I just gave you MORE than enough reasons to DO SOMETHING. My family and I have supported a child through World Vision for about 5 years. We pay $35 a month (tax deductible if you are so inclined), automatically removed from our account and used in order to give this particular child food and education, which may seem menial to us but is ABSOLUTELY LIFE ALTERING FOR HIM. We get pictures, updates, can send cards, packages as well as buying things for his family like chickens for eggs or goats for milk through the website, at a very small price to us, (or you can do none of that and still support the child). World Vision has been around for a long time and is a legit humanitarian organization, click here to learn more.
Today Presley and I attended a Ugandan Children's Choir performance and had the blatant and obvious opportunity to change a life by sponsoring another child. I thought it would be cool for her to pick out a girl, the same way I encouraged Jesiah to pick a boy his own age 5 years ago. Today we adopted our second sponsor child through Childcare Worldwide, another legitimate organization (site here).
Now, not only have I shared with you the reality of hunger and poverty facing children across the globe, I have also spared you the work of having to dig up some hopefully legitimate organization. Unfortunately that is all I can do. From here YOU have to do the rest. YOU have to choose to let go of your weekly Starbucks or Cosmo subscription or gym membership you don't even use or the $50 dinner check you cover every week even though there is food at home. I am talking to myself here too- I am not judging your Cosmo subscription (well maybe I am judging that one), I am just trying to paint a picture of what ALL of us look like. You cannot tell me you don't have $35 a month, because if you are sitting at computer in your house, bag of Lays next to you right now, stuffed from the pizza you ordered combined with the Coke bubbles fizzing in your stomach while you debate which of your 450 channels to watch before you fall fast asleep in your pillow topped bed, YOU HAVE $35 a month.
So most likely you can't use money as your excuse. You wanna shrug it off as not your problem, as if a child has ANY say in the world they are brought into, and you can live with that, go ahead. But let me remind you whether you call it "reaping and sowing" or "karma" or "what goes around comes around", IT DOES and YOU WILL. You get what you give and if there has EVER been a reason to give here it is. If you want to use the "one person can't change anything" excuse, you can do that too, only I am one person and I am changing the lives of TWO people as we speak which I think is pretty freaking significant. One baby with hope is more than NO babies with hope.
PLEASE CONSIDER WHAT I AM SAYING HERE. IT COSTS YOU SO LITTLE. IT IS NOT A SCAM OR A PLOY IT IS LIVES. You do not even have to write a monthly check you can automate it! If you are my friend or family, I am challenging you right now, ONE KID. Go and pick ONE kid from one of these sites, (web address listed above). Commit to a year and if it is breaking the bank then end it after that but for GODS SAKE TRY TO DO SOMETHING.
Acknowledge this world is bigger than your own backyard and YOU ARE NEEDED.
If you accept this challenge PLEASE contact me because it is a prayer answered and I would love to know. You can email me at abdecker82@yahoo.com- you don't even have to tell me anything other than "I am sponsoring a child!" in the subject line. If this moves you, don't just sponsor a child, encourage your friends and family (link this blog on your FB, tweet it, whatever). Our nation alone is capable of ending world hunger and it CAN start with YOU.
Lastly, and I promise I am done after this, here are some progression photos of our World Vision child, (we lost one or two along the way), as well as a photo of the child we just signed up to help; both are in India.
PS. If the animal cruelty commercials seem to have more of an effect on you than what I have just presented, you may want to begin to ask yourself some serious questions about your priorities. JS.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Momentary Treasures
There will always be a seat for you here
There will always be an ear
Followed by an empty glass
And the presentation of a full one
There will always be a way to forget
For a moment
The moment
Here
You may pleasantly backstroke
In the midst of a glistening sea
Seeing only the moon above
Full and smiling
Blissfully unaware
That the blood stained mouths
Of hungry sharks
Circle below
Here
You may find a great many things
Momentary treasures
Never hidden away
To be searched for
But spilling over the sides
Of an unlocked chest
Just waiting to be had
Love
Acceptance
Friendship
Happiness
Beautiful reproductions
Of what is precious
And requires mining
At the tireless, calloused hands
Of black faced men
---
What you will not find here
Is yourself
Or whatever it is
You were looking for
To begin with
You will wake up
From this joyous occasion
In your same bed
In your same clothes
In your same head
Surrounded by
Gumball machine treasures
Whose presence cost you more quarters
Than they were worth
My life has been greatly affected by alcohol. Add the -ism, don't add the -ism, honestly it makes no difference when it is causing those who you love and who love you to suffer. Sorry to be Debbie Downer today, but I needed to work this out with words and as always, I can only hope my words mean something to someone else.
There will always be an ear
Followed by an empty glass
And the presentation of a full one
There will always be a way to forget
For a moment
The moment
Here
You may pleasantly backstroke
In the midst of a glistening sea
Seeing only the moon above
Full and smiling
Blissfully unaware
That the blood stained mouths
Of hungry sharks
Circle below
Here
You may find a great many things
Momentary treasures
Never hidden away
To be searched for
But spilling over the sides
Of an unlocked chest
Just waiting to be had
Love
Acceptance
Friendship
Happiness
Beautiful reproductions
Of what is precious
And requires mining
At the tireless, calloused hands
Of black faced men
---
What you will not find here
Is yourself
Or whatever it is
You were looking for
To begin with
You will wake up
From this joyous occasion
In your same bed
In your same clothes
In your same head
Surrounded by
Gumball machine treasures
Whose presence cost you more quarters
Than they were worth
My life has been greatly affected by alcohol. Add the -ism, don't add the -ism, honestly it makes no difference when it is causing those who you love and who love you to suffer. Sorry to be Debbie Downer today, but I needed to work this out with words and as always, I can only hope my words mean something to someone else.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Six Days Med Free- The Struggle is Real
First things first, it is Eating Disorder Awareness Week so
if you are someone who struggles or has struggled with an eating disorder, from
over eating to under eating and everything in between, please take a moment to
evaluate where you are concerning those things and PLEASE reach out for help if
you need it! For those of you who don’t struggle, it is highly likely that
someone around you does so take the time to observe and reach out to those who
you feel like may need help or even to just extend a compliment to someone who
looks like they need it. Eating disorders only exist because of our cultures
unrealistic and unreachable beauty standards. PLEASE keep that fact knocking
around in your brain as you watch TV, see advertisements, etc. Be an advocate
for working towards change and growth on the INSIDE not struggle and shrinking
on the outside. Go here for more info.
Moving on from that, I am 6 days fully off medicine and I
don’t feel so hot. I have had what I can only assume are withdrawal symptoms
because I am not otherwise ill. My head has bothered me on and off, I have felt
dizzy and a little out of it. I am also struggling with learning what it means
to deal with “regular” emotions. For most of my life I have been regulated by
medicine. Things both little and big really did not make me feel anything, I
just figured out how to deal with the issue rather than having to deal with
feeling the issue.
This weekend my kids were REALLY on it. By on it I mean they
were bickering constantly and not listening to me and whining and all the other
things kids do on a regular basis that generally have had little to no effect
on my mood. Not so yesterday. I really thought I was going to cry and then have
to pick up my exploded head off the kitchen floor at one point. I was so exhausted
with telling them to stop it or don’t or asking why they couldn’t just >fill
in blank<. It really upset me and that is not something I am accustomed to
dealing with. I am so hyper aware of my emotions right now too because I am
trying to make sure that I am regulating them in a “normal” manner, but the
truth is that I really don’t know what that means. I had to ask a friend if my
feeling like I needed to cry and scream was okay or if something was wrong with
me.
It makes me so sad to think that at 31 years old I am really
terrible behind on the emotional understanding learning curve. I have been told
or assumed for so long that emotions are bad and too much of them are even
worse that I just genuinely don’t know how to be okay with feeling. I am going
to get myself into counseling so I can hash all of this out once this week
(which is really stressing me out because I feel like I have SO much going on I
don’t have time to breath- another thing I am not accustomed to feeling), is
over.
I jokingly told my mom that being off meds has helped me
understand why people do drugs. Life and feelings are hard, which makes weed
and wine seem like not such a bad idea. Obviously I have no plans to switch
from pharmaceuticals to wine in order to cope but I certainly understand the
appeal right now. I have never understood addiction because I have never needed
coping tools outside of my legal drugs, but even 5 days out of the med loop I
can say that I should not be so judgey towards people get caught in a cycle of
substance abuse as a way to deal with life. I know that is technically what I
have been doing for 15 years but no one calls that addiction we just call that
normal.
The bottom line is that I have signed up for a war. It may
only be against myself but I actually think that may be the worst kind. At least
when you are against someone you know your enemy and can run or hide or chose
to fight. When you are fighting against yourself there just isn’t anywhere to
go. I fully realize, as I have a few days into quitting meds every time I have
tried, that I am SO incapable of doing this on my own. The ONLY hope I have is
in a God who I believe is with me and keeps his promises.
Clearly I am not fit to handle life all by myself. I am
incapable of joy and peace as well as management of reality at the same time. I am in a place
right now where I believe God would have all of us be all the time, and that is
a place of complete dependence on Him. I wake up knowing the day will not be
well if He isn’t fully in it with me. I know I will lose my grip on any chance
at peace and joy if I for one moment assume those things will occur in my life
by my own works. I am completely dependent and it is hard.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Photo Graphy- Arizona Desert, Butterflies and Space Age Hotels!
I apologize to all of my avid readers, (HAHA) for my absence. I have been super busy with school and sick and on a mini vacation to see my personal Peter Pan in Never Never Land (aka Tasha in Tucson).
Most of this blog is really just for me to post the photos I took during my trip because I got some really amazing ones, but I will give a quick update for those interested. I had a 2 week virus turned sinus infection that really knocked me on my butt, so exercise has pretty much been out of the question. Eating well has continued to go smoothly, although I did have some questionable meals on my vacation which had me in the bathroom for 3 days afterwords. That could also have been partially due to antibiotics but either way, pizza is not worth the mess created in my intestines at this point. I am also officially OFF MEDS! Only 3 days so far, but I am still on a just over 2 month NO PANIC ATTACK streak which is beyond amazing. I cannot even describe how amazing. I have had a few moments, mostly associated with being sick, but I handled them without medication and without it being a whole day ordeal. The lifestyle changes are NO DOUBT where credit is due and I couldn't be more pleased! Other than that school is bonkers, much more busy work than last semester, on top of the fact that Jesiah is in a major production and has dress rehersals for the next week straight followed by 6 performances, all of which I have to attend because I am in charge of makeup for all 120 kids. AND my inlaws will be here next week which I am super stoked about however my baseboards are grimey and laundry never stops and dust is everywhere and I have no time to think about or deal with any of it. Wishing for magical baseboard cleaning fairies to arrive. I think they're called maids and will do a great job at a semi reasonable price.
Okay so here are the photos. Some are from the drive and then an assortment are from the botanical gardens in Tucson which has a butterfly exhibit. Butterflies are some of my most favorite little things and it was beyond enchanting to spend over an hour searching for them and watching them surrounded by beautiful plants. As I have said before, nature and its constant creating of the most beautiful things that exist really move me AND I really love taking pictures, so when I get to combine the two I am pretty much in heaven. ENJOY!
So these cactus plants are called Saguaro and only grow in the Sonoran Desert which is located in southern AZ and northern Mexico. There are SO cool and HUGE. They can live to be 150-200 years old and the largest ones are about that. The more arms the older they are. I was totally enthralled by these things. In some areas they went on for miles like a cactus forest- SO COOL!
As I got to the end of the desert and nearer to the city the moon was ENORMOUS. I felt like I could reach out and grab it.
Here come the butterflies!
The last of the photos will be of this completely random motel I found after stopping for gas in the middle of nowhere. It is a Best Western Space Age Lodge built in 1968. There is a restaurant which burned in 1998 so it had been redone but the signage and other aspects are original. It was so random and wonderful I had to stop for photos. There are a few other sign type pics from that some little town, population 1700, as well as the giant solar wind maker things in the mountains that make me feel like I live on mars.
If any of you know a big boss man at Nat Geo and wanna drop my name as a potential freelance nature photographer accepting free trips to Africa and what not, lemme know. ;)
Most of this blog is really just for me to post the photos I took during my trip because I got some really amazing ones, but I will give a quick update for those interested. I had a 2 week virus turned sinus infection that really knocked me on my butt, so exercise has pretty much been out of the question. Eating well has continued to go smoothly, although I did have some questionable meals on my vacation which had me in the bathroom for 3 days afterwords. That could also have been partially due to antibiotics but either way, pizza is not worth the mess created in my intestines at this point. I am also officially OFF MEDS! Only 3 days so far, but I am still on a just over 2 month NO PANIC ATTACK streak which is beyond amazing. I cannot even describe how amazing. I have had a few moments, mostly associated with being sick, but I handled them without medication and without it being a whole day ordeal. The lifestyle changes are NO DOUBT where credit is due and I couldn't be more pleased! Other than that school is bonkers, much more busy work than last semester, on top of the fact that Jesiah is in a major production and has dress rehersals for the next week straight followed by 6 performances, all of which I have to attend because I am in charge of makeup for all 120 kids. AND my inlaws will be here next week which I am super stoked about however my baseboards are grimey and laundry never stops and dust is everywhere and I have no time to think about or deal with any of it. Wishing for magical baseboard cleaning fairies to arrive. I think they're called maids and will do a great job at a semi reasonable price.
Okay so here are the photos. Some are from the drive and then an assortment are from the botanical gardens in Tucson which has a butterfly exhibit. Butterflies are some of my most favorite little things and it was beyond enchanting to spend over an hour searching for them and watching them surrounded by beautiful plants. As I have said before, nature and its constant creating of the most beautiful things that exist really move me AND I really love taking pictures, so when I get to combine the two I am pretty much in heaven. ENJOY!
So these cactus plants are called Saguaro and only grow in the Sonoran Desert which is located in southern AZ and northern Mexico. There are SO cool and HUGE. They can live to be 150-200 years old and the largest ones are about that. The more arms the older they are. I was totally enthralled by these things. In some areas they went on for miles like a cactus forest- SO COOL!
As I got to the end of the desert and nearer to the city the moon was ENORMOUS. I felt like I could reach out and grab it.
Here come the butterflies!
The last of the photos will be of this completely random motel I found after stopping for gas in the middle of nowhere. It is a Best Western Space Age Lodge built in 1968. There is a restaurant which burned in 1998 so it had been redone but the signage and other aspects are original. It was so random and wonderful I had to stop for photos. There are a few other sign type pics from that some little town, population 1700, as well as the giant solar wind maker things in the mountains that make me feel like I live on mars.
If any of you know a big boss man at Nat Geo and wanna drop my name as a potential freelance nature photographer accepting free trips to Africa and what not, lemme know. ;)
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